Hello....My Name Is NOT Marvin!

I have a confession.......My name is NOT Marvin. I am NOT a 68 year old pedophile stalking the internet trying to lure you in. Are you shocked? Yeah I was too, but its true! I'm NOT sitting here at my computer in my beer stained wife beater and jockey shorts looking for kiddy porn sites. I am NOT now, nor will I EVER be online trying to seduce young men into meeting me...with the intention having my way with them.

Ok well maybe ONE young man...but that's another story all together. *smile*

So .....WHY is it then that this is the first reaction my friends get when telling others about meeting me online? I can understand the need for caution. Meeting someone on the web can have certain pitfalls. I'm not denying the obvious concerns anytime you meet someone online.

But computers are a fact of life. Everyone from your Grandma to small children are using them and surfing the internet. They have become as common as the mircrowave or TV. It stands to reason that with all the limitless places a person can now travel via the internet...that you also automatically open yourself up to a larger group of people you can now interact with. So maybe its time we started to change our thinking about what is normal a little.

Anytime you meet someone new its a risk. This is true no matter if you meet them online or on the sidewalk of your hometown. If you think its safer meeting people because they may live next door, then you obviously don't watch the news. Or you've never checked out the local sex offender websites. Because if you did, I think you would be extremely surprised as to who some of your neighbors are.

I will concede that the world can be a very scary place. Because of technology we have all gone from being in this very small pond of people we DO know.....to a very large ocean of people we COULD know. Are there more predators in this deep water? Yes probably so. But Id be willing to bet that there are also far more people just like YOU and ME that are just decent, semi-normal people, who live healthy normal lives.

If the question is can someone deceive you when meeting them online? Then the answer is yes they can. More easily than in person? Maybe so. But isn't it also true that you can and probably have been deceived in the past by people you actually knew face to face too?

I think its all about using common sense. You have to take the time to get to know someone, no matter how or where you meet them...You have to be willing to ask the all important questions. You have to be willing to listen for the answers to those questions. And when I say listen...I mean really listen not just hearing what you want to hear.

The internet has opened up the world and its people to you. For me that means learning that other people in the world are a lot more like me than they are different from me. The world is a much smaller place than I had ever imagined. To me that's a comforting thought..not one that scares me.

I have met some really great people on the internet. People who I can say without a doubt I consider to be my friends. People that I have yet to meet face to face and maybe never will. Does that make them any less of a friend?...NO not to me it doesn't. Because its not always about meeting someone face to face in order to become friends with them.

Its time to stop making the HOW we meet people more important than the PEOPLE we meet themselves.

That's Going To Leave A Mark

My friend came to me with a problem. Normally Id be able to give her an opinion...I am usually loaded with those. Dr Jen is always on duty. But this time..I don't know what to say. That all by itself bothers me. Not just because I cant help a friend who's asked...but because I don't have a clear answer.

Sam..is trying to decided if she can trust the man she loves. He's away at school right now. Not to far away only a few hours by car...but far enough. It seems that her guy has developed this friendship with a girl there at school. This by itself isn't unusual. Matt is a very friendly easy going kind of guy. He makes friends easily and has always had equal female and male friendships.

Matt has told Sam about the girl...and explained that they just have things in common and like hanging out..She also has a lot of classes in the same areas on campus there for it puts them in the same place at the same time quite often. It should be said that Matts not a liar. He's never been a cheat. He's the kind of guy whose word means something. Having said that...though..I cant ignore Sam's fears over this..because even though the evidence is circumstantial...it all points in the wrong direction.

The girl in question..is very friendly...and calls or texts frequently. She stops by Matts apartment to hang out with him and his roommate. They all share mutual friends. She buys and gives him gifts out of kindness. She does small little tasks for him..choirs as a favor.

Ok I understand where Sam is getting worried about this girl...Here where I come from we have a name for girls like that. They are called GIRL FRIENDS. But even so I am reluctant to condemn Matt on this purely circumstantial evidence alone. Although...the last thing in this puzzle bothers me alittle more......Matt had given Sam access to his passwords...They had traded those a long time ago..He had hers..she his. Until Matt changed his..with no explanation..and no warning. He only did it to one of his accounts...One he hardly ever used. Sam thinks its because Matts emails and conversations with this girl took place on this Messenger and this account and he didn't want Sam seeing it.

Maybe so....I do see Sams point and why she's worried. Matt is a good guy but he's human..and humans screw up. That whole thing about absence making the heart grow fonder...doesn't really play out long term in most cases. So Sam worrying about Matt finding someone nice to spend his time with isn't so far fetched.

I just don't know what to tell her. Normally Id say open your eyes. Look at all the red flags! You may not have any real proof...but it has feathers...webbed feet..likes the water...and quacks...It looks like we have a duck here.

Yet still...I have been dropped on my butt way to many times by the people I choose to give my trust to. Sometimes when that happens to you often enough it tends to leave a mark. A mark that no amount of optimism or looking for that silver lining can quite erase. So right now I don't know if I can trust my judgment or my instincts.

I realize let downs are a part of life.....I know I am not unique to this problem my friend Sam is proof of that. Its just that I have always told myself that I wouldn't let the bad behavior of other people change me. If they screw me over..I'm not going to let that change who I am or how I conduct myself and my life.

The thing I've started to see though, is that when those changes happen, it's not like being hit by lightening. The changes aren't immediate or automatic. Its something more like the tide eroding a beach. Its the small grains of sand that get washed away from you each day....slowly...little by little. Until one day you just realize you are afraid of it happening again. You are wary and a little mistrustful of the next person who comes into your life.

So what's the answer? Do you just sleep with a nightlight on for the rest of your life so that no monsters can ever climb into your closet again? If so......how exhausting is that going to be, trying to shine a light on every corner of a new relationship trying to make sure nothing is being hidden from you in the shadows? You would have to examine and analyze each thing making sure you're blind heart isn't missing any of those all too important red flags you should be seeing.

Or do you just blindly.....hold your nose and jump into the deep water? Not knowing what's under you..or if you will be able swim, and then just hope for the best. Hmmmm, seems like that sort of thinking is what got me knocked on my butt to begin with.

So tell me, do I tell Sam to go on her hearts blind faith, ignoring the shadows in the room and just try and believe that there are no more monsters? I want to. Id like to. Not just for her sake but for myself too.

This time, I dont think I can offer advise to my friend. Because inside I just know that if I'm wrong again.....This time its going to leave a really big mark.

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover

Dear Anonymous,

I have not been blogging long..alittle over a year at best. But one of the things I have loved about writing a blog is that it allows me to express myself. Whether that expression comes in the form of a family story, a commentary on a current event, or maybe just venting about things in my life that I feel strongly about.

I have never minded if someone had a different view point than my own. In fact I am a very opinionated individual. So it would be very surprising to me if out of all the people who read my blog, each and every one of them agreed with me totally 100% of the time. I have never minded someone expressing their point of view on my blog, whether those points of view coincided with mine or not.

I can take criticism as well as the next person. In fact if it's done in a civil way I appreciate another person's view and their honesty in expressing it.

However...this is where I have a problem with your approach. First of all, you appear as Anonymous. So for whatever reason you have chosen to keep your name, age, gender and any other details of who you are a secret. Ok...that is your prerogative.

But from now on when you comment to me...Please do so on the subject I have written about. If you don't agree with my point of view its ok to say so. But do not judge the validity of what I have said on the basis that I am 20 years old, a female; or, as you put it, "too inexperienced to spout such opinions".

I realize you don't really know me...If you read my blog further you might get to know me better. But this is something I'd like to know about me. I do not smoke...or take drugs...I do drink but only in moderation...I do not have multiple sex partners...In fact, I do not have any at all at this point in my life. Having said that, I do not feel the need to go out and experience any of these things first hand to be able to comment on the fact that I feel they aren't right for me. Or, for that matter, pretty much anyone else participating in them. Nor do I think age will change my thinking.

Yes its just my opinion...and only mine. I speak now and will continue to speak in the future only for myself. If you have a problem with what I've said..because you disagree with my thinking that's fine. But don't dismiss what I have said because you think I am too young or inexperienced to have such thoughts or opinions.

You should judge a book by its contents...not by the age of its cover.

Homesick For Places I Have Never Been

I have never made any secret of the fact that I'm a dreamer. This past year I have been extremely restless. I feel like there is something missing. But I have no idea exactly what it is. That all by itself leaves me feeling anxious and a little frustrated. Its like having something you want to say on the tip of your tongue and not being able to think of what it is. Does that make any sense?

Today I was looking at photos again and I started day dreaming. I was thinking of all the places I want to go. Of the people I miss and want to see. I've been having these long detailed day dreams where I am actually getting on a plane and starting my life over in a new place.

Maybe its a question of the grass always looking greener on the other side of the fence. Or maybe because I'm so restless that to me even the small things would seem like an adventure right now. When I start these day dreams, I can picture everything about them. I can imagine where I'm going, what I will be doing...who I will be with. I can see it all so clearly, just as if it were happening.

Some might say that day dreams and reality are two different things. That reality is never as good as the fantasy you imagine. Maybe this is true.

All I know is that lately when I think of those people and places and things that I day dream about..It makes me feel as if I were homesick.

But how can you be homesick for places you have never been?

What No Pictures?

Except for this last Monday being a holiday.....This week has pretty much sucked. Its been raining almost all week long. Normally I like rainy days. I suppose with my mood being what it was though, the rain just seemed to make it worse. Besides it wasn't one of those crisp cold rains that smell good. It was the hot humid dreary type of rain. The kind that makes the air feel like its thick and sticks to you.

I managed to make it through the week pretty much unscathed and now here I am. Its Saturday morning. I have consumed the required two cups of coffee.....

I have already received several text messages from the UK.
(Happy face)

A few emails and some new pictures.
(Bigger happy face)

ANDDD.....Its no longer raining. Or at least not at the moment. Things maybe looking up.
(Almost ready for the happy dance...but not quite)

I have stalked all my regulars blogs and done all my required reading and commenting for today.....By the way you people need to get on the ball and post...I'm dying here!

Now...Its time for my project of the day. I'm still not sure I should attempt this. Because I hate to screw it up and then be with out a computer.....On the other hand I am sort of a compulsive geek....And this is just too tempting for me on a day like today, when the house is quiet and I am left to my own devices.

Soooo I am going to go get out my old computer tower, and do a techno version of Hannibal Lector....And cannibalize it. I'm going to rip out the memory cards....And the two hard drives and anything else that looks interesting and see if I can reinstall them into my current system.

The old computer got zapped by lightening a year or so ago....When it happened I never really tried to find out how much of it was still functioning. It wouldn't turn on...and that's pretty much where I stopped looking. If it just took out my mother board...Then the other things might actually have some use...If it fried the whole enchilada...Well then its going to be a waste of time. But I wont know that until I open the bad boy up.

And before you say it...I am the one who installed the extra hard drive and memory cards in the old computer...So its not like I don't have some clue as to what I'm doing. Still, it has been a while since I have done any of that sort of thing...

Now if I can only remember how to change the the old hard drives from master to slave.....Hmmmmmm I guess I'm actually going to have to read some instructions. NOOOOOO please not that!

I basically come from the Sesame Street school of computer learning...... Where we the self taught, if given plenty of pictures, can disassemble and reassemble anything.

But if I actually have to read the instructions....

Ohhh dear lord help us all.

Does The Label Really Matter?

Feminism : The doctrine that maintains equality for the sexes; advocacy for women's rights.

If I go by the above definition I have to ask myself am I a feminist? I cant honestly say that I feel men and women are completely equal. I think there are some pretty big differences between us and to that I say GOOD!

I have never felt the desire to burn my bra or smoke a cigar. I have never wanted to be a man or man like. There's probably a few people out there right now breathing a sigh of relief over that statement.. I like being female and I like being feminine. While I can never claim to be the girlie girl type.... I do like to watch and play some sports. I like to fish and play poker...I also like being treated like a lady. I like a man to be polite to me. I like it when he speaks to me with respect. I like it if he wants to use manners and open my door or pull out a chair. Its called being polite. I like it...I appreciate it. Unfortunately I rarely see it and I don't expect it.

I see nothing wrong with a man being Chivalrous..I wish there were more chivalrous men in the world. I don't mean the Knight in Shining Armor type who wants to rescue me and fix all my problems. I can do that for myself.

Having said that...I do not want things to go back to the way they were when women were only one step above slavery. When we weren't able to vote..Or own property or allowed to do a lot of things that gave us equal footing in society. So in that way I suppose I am in favor of equality. But then as I see it..Those things are more human rights than a male/female issue.

I believe if you do a job..And you have the physical and the intellectual skill to perform that job, then you get paid for that job. The pay you receive should not be based on your gender or your race. It should be based on the job. Its simple....You work....You get paid.

I have never felt a woman is less if she chooses home and family over that of a career outside the home. The choice to stay home and raise a family is probably one of the hardest jobs any person can do. I say person because in this day and time a lot more men are making the choice to be stay at home dads while the wife works outside the home. I see nothing wrong with that..If it works I say go for it.

Besides that...I think if you're going to have children you should stick around to raise them. Its the biggest responsibility you are ever going to have. You are molding the next generation, who will one day be running things. So it would probably be a good idea to take the job seriously and not screw it up.

I believe that a person should strive to be independent and self reliant. I believe self reliance and independence brings freedom and a confidence in knowing you can take care of yourself. You then know that any choices you make are done so because you do have a choice, not because you have no options and cant survive any other way.

Do I want to share my life with someone someday? Yes I do. Do I hope he helps me solve problems? Yes I do. Just as I hope he will value me, my thoughts and my abilities enough that he wants me to help him as well. We will do it together.

Am I a feminist, a humanist...Or just feminine? If so how bad is that? Does the label really matter?

To All Knights In Shining Armor....

To those of you thinking you might like to apply for the job of Knight in Shining Armor...

STOP! This message is for you.

First of all I have to ask you why would you even want this job? Do you realize exactly what it is you'll be doing?

You will be climbing up to the tower, and rescuing the Damsel that's in Distress. Maybe slaying the odd dragon for her too. Whatever the situation requires. All because you decided that you are her champion and that is what they do.

So when its all said and done...She gets all her problems taken care of, but what exactly do you get out of it? Is it the gratitude from the Damsel? I suppose that could be sort of nice. A little boost to the ego. However, long term I don't see that being enough to make it worth it for you. You realize too, that rescuing a Damsel in Distress is sort of like feeding a stray dog. Once you do it, you can never get rid of them. They are then your responsibility for life. YES LIFE... That's a long time to be constantly having to fix things and pulling someone else's butt out of trouble.

While I'm sure it feels all Nobel and good in the beginning....Is that really the life you want forever? You could ask yourself this.....How did she get up in that tower in need of rescuing to begin with? Could it be that her trouble was of her own making? Hmmm now there's a thought.

Lets even take that one step further..If she is up there because she screwed up and deserves to be.....Why do you want to get her down? Because when you go and rescue a Damsel in Distress the only thing your left with is a Distressed Damsel. In my way of thinking that's not a real prize worth the trouble of climbing a tower or slaying a dragon. I don't care how cute she is when she's got that needy, eye lash batting, pouty face. That stuff only takes you so far.... I say leave her butt up there..Let her find her own way down.

Maybe its time to find a girl with her feet firmly planted on the ground. One who knows what she wants and can handle her own problems for herself. One that might even be able to lend you some assistance should you ever be in need of some dragon slaying yourself. One who might be a partner when building a castle instead of another burden to carry.

Maybe its time to take off the Armor and stop trying fix things. Maybe its time to be a regular man and find a regular woman you can share your life with. One that you like as is, no modifications needed.

Castles can be fixer uppers.....The partners we choose should be no assembly required.

The Devil Wears Lip Gloss

In case you had any doubts let me put them to rest. The Devil is very much alive here in the South and she wears lip gloss. When you first see her, you don't really notice anything notably different about her. In fact she could even be thought of as friendly and beautiful.

But make no mistake my friend, she is indeed a bunny boiler. Not just any ordinary bunny boiler. NOOO! She is what every other bunny boiler aspires to become. From her angelic batting of eye lashes, to her pouty glossed lips. She is perfumed, polished and perfectly clothed. No, she is not just any bunny boiler. She is their queen.

With her chameleon like personality, she adapts to her surroundings and to the people around her drawing them close to her. They feel they need to protect her, to do for her, to worship her. Because just as with every queen, she requires subjects or minion if you will. And as with every bunny boiler, she needs complete and total adoration from her friends and followers. As long as she is being adored and taken care of...You are one of the chosen. Should you stop fulfilling her constant need for attention, you will be cast aside and forgotten. If you're lucky.

If you should be unfortunate enough to fall in love with her. Just know there is no cure for her. No vaccine to make you immune to her self serving ways. So if you decide to become involved understand this...She is self centered, manipulative and at times vindictive. She is the human equivalent to tic tac toe....The only way to win is never to play the game.

If you see her coming your way do not be decieved into thinking she is just a harmless girl. If you refuse to listen to the warnings. Decide to ignore the lessons learned from the others that have come before you. Then do not be surprised when blinded by what you think is love turns out to be just another one of her manipulations and deceptions.

When you find yourself being run down, reduced to just another road kill. You dont have to ask who was driving the car that did you in. You will know.

If not, let me give you a hint....She was wearing lip gloss.

Predator Or Prey?

I read in the news paper that recently a local 14 year old boy had been arrested. His charges were:

• Soliciting to bring a 12 year old girl to town for the purposes of having sex with her.
• Possession of child pornography
• Transmitting child pornography over the internet.

With me so far?

Now the boy who thought he was speaking on the internet to a producer of pornographic films. He wasn't...He was in fact talking to an undercover police officer in the state of Pennsylvania.

The boy thought he was sending the 65 pornographic photos to this producer.

He also thought that he was negotiating with this said producer to be in one of his films. He had negotiated a price for his participation in the film and agreed that he would have sex with what he thought was the producers 12 year old niece. None of which was true obviously because this was really a undercover police officer.

The police officer..Who's job it is to monitor this type of behavior on the internet...Talking with the boy..At the time thought the boy was 20 years old. Because that's what the boy told him. He also knew there was no 12 year old girl because he had made that part up to go along with his cover story. He did receive the pornographic photographs from the boy...Who had in turn received them from an unknown source in England.

The undercover officer thinking that the boy is an adult and is using a home computer to contact him, contacts local law enforcement to set up a meet. To arrest what they thought to be 20 year old man at a local hotel. The boy thinking he was going to meet this producer and his niece and be filmed having sex with her shows up and promptly gets arrested.

Ok now here's where some of this all sort of bugs me....

First of all..Not to cut the kid any slack..He was completely in the wrong here. However..He is 14.. And not the brightest bulb on the tree for a number of reasons. Using a public library computer being just one of them...But he is still in fact a stupid kid. Does he really have the mental thinking at this point in his life to understand the consequences of his actions? Part of me thinks yes and part says no.

Secondly..He isn't randomly seeking out 12 year old girls to entice them into have sex with him. The fictitious young girl was offered to him via the undercover officer. Was it still wrong to accept the deal? YES OF COURSE IT WAS. But would he have done so if not prompted by the officer? I don't know..Maybe so.

The young kid in question also received his pornographic photos from another source..Out of the country. Where are these people? Who are they?

I guess while I find the kids behavior wrong on so many levels and I am in no way trying to defend it..Because lets face it, there is something wrong with his moral compass to consider entering into this deal at all.

But after hearing the details of what transpired. I have to ask myself is he predator or prey?

Welcome To My World

I woke up this morning at 5:30 am. I lay there in the dark trying to figure out why I couldn't sleep and why I was feeling so restless. About 7:30 or so when the parental units leave for work..I decided to get up...Pour myself an industrial size cup of coffee and check the email. Read a few blogs.

Ok that took all of about 5 minutes...Because lets face it hardly anyone blogs or even emails on the weekends...

I turned on the TV.....Dear lord what has happened to Saturday morning cartoons? Between those and the bad TV infomercial's...There is nothing going on there. Id would have even settle for reruns of American Chopper or the Biker Build Offs right now. But no such luck there.

I decide to opt for some music. Cranked up a little CCR...(Creedence Clearwater Revival) Which while I enjoyed it......it has just made me more restless for something to do. Or maybe that was the 3 cups of coffee I've had so far.

Normally Id be munching on some Special K Red Berries cereal about now......But this morning that's not sounding so great. So I decided to nuke the left over fettuccini. YES.. For breakfast. I've never personally understood why people get so ridged with what can and can not be consumed for a breakfast food. I can eat ice cream for breakfast and cereal for a night time snack. And occasionally do.

Id call a friend...But everyone I want to talk to right now, is to far away on the other side of the world and probably at work. Helping misguided Americans onto a trains. Lucky Americans.

I've been invited to do the regular weekend thing on the river or out at the lake. But the weather is looking sort of iffy right now. Maybe in a few hours that will improve.

Besides that, none of my local friends will be up this early. Most of them are never up at this time of the morning. Unless they just haven't gone to bed yet from the night before. Which is a definite possibility.

So here I sit ....Trying to blog. Completely bored out of my brain. And now after reading this....So are you.

Welcome to my world.

Not A Keeper

To say that my Dad was a wild child is an understatement. From some of the stories I hear..The wild part didn't stop in his youth either. He's pretty much stayed that way all the way up to this present day. If anything has slowed him down at all....It is most likely age and maybe his health.

While I wont say I approve of all my Dads behavior..Some of it is pretty scandalous. Every now and then there is a story that is told that you cant help but chuckle over.

Before I was born when he and my mom were in the first years of marriage, to say that my dad enjoyed a party is putting it mildly. It wasn't unusual for him to leave the house for a loaf of bread and get "side tracked". My Mom would not see him again till the wee hours of the morning or the next day. This as you can probably imagine did not sit so well with my Mom.

Usually it was my Moms habit to make a lunch for my Dad each morning. He carried a small cooler with him everyday for that lunch, which conveniently doubled as a beer receptacle in the evening.

One evening.....Dad getting "side tracked" the way he did on occasion, decided that he and a buddy would go fishing. Tell some lies, drink a few cold ones. Normally Id say this was a pretty harmless activity. The thing is..Its a probably a good idea to inform the Mrs you wont be home anytime soon before she sits up all night worrying about your sorry butt.

Anyway......Dad rolls up in the early morning hours...Just before daylight...Mom is, as you can probably guess, livid. So she's not exactly in the frame of mind for packing him a tasty lunch. Dad barely having any sleep from the night before and having to get up in a few hours for work, decides not to pack one for himself. Instead opting for some additional sleep time.

When lunch time rolls around that day...Everyone's sitting around in a group in the grass. Popping open their lunch boxes and enjoying their mid day meal. My Dad opens his cooler....All that's in there is a half eaten bag of potato chips from the day before and some dead shiners (small silvery colored fish) that he had used for bait on the fishing excursion.

Sitting next to Dad was a laborer...That was notably pretty annoying to most everyone else on the crew. The guy was one of those know-it-alls...Who couldn't be told or taught anything. He continuously fabricated these elaborate stories of his exploits on and off the job site. I believe in an attempt to try and appear cooler in the eyes of the more seasoned men on the job.

Well my Dad being no stranger to a tall tale or two...Saw the laborer lean over and sneak a peek into his cooler.

The laborer making a face says "What is that"?

My Dad "Its lunch".

Laborer "You are going to eat that"?

My Dad "Heck yeah, these are great. Haven't you ever eaten sardines before"?

Laborer...Making a skeptical face.. "Yeah, I have".

My Dad "Well these are sort of like that only better".

At this point.....My Dad takes two potato chips out of his bag and one of the less slimy of the shiners out of the his cooler. Places said fish between the two potato chips and bites it in two.

The laborer...Completely grossed out that my Dad just did this, turns his head away. While doing so, my Dad spits the morsel into his napkin and then pops another potato chip in his mouth and pretends to continue chewing as though he's never eaten anything finer.

There are now a few half grins on the faces of some of the other men sitting around observing this fishing expedition....But no one laughs or says a word...They just watch.

The laborer....turns his head back to my Dad and sees my Dad happily chewing what he thinks is the shiner and chips. Now...He's got this look on his face as though...hmmmm maybe this guys for real. This is when my Dad gets ready to set the hook.....

My Dad says "Would you like to try one? I usually don't share them, because I don't get to have them that often. But Ill let you try one since you've never had one before".

Now normally a guy who is secure with himself and has nothing to prove would have said "Nah man..You enjoy those". And that would have been the end of it. But this guy, was so wrapped up in being the man and appearing cool in front of the other guys.....He just couldn't bring himself to back down and refuse my Dads offer.

My Dad lets him reach in the bag grab two potato chips. Then hands the laborer a shiner. The nastiest.....Most slimy shiner in the box. The laborer places the shiner between the two potato chips and bites down.

Dad said you could see imediately by the look on his face that he realized this is not something he wanted to do. At this point...any other guy would have just spit it out and taken the good natured teasing from the other men and that would have been the end of it. But not this guy. He sees all the other guys along with my Dad watching him.....He's committed himself now and realizes he cant loose face and has to actually chew and swallow.

My Dad said the more he chewed the more you could tell he was going to loose it. Sure enough....the guy jumps up.....runs off to the nearest bushes and begins gagging up the shiner and chips....coughing and spitting.

The other guys sitting around all start laughing and shaking their heads at the laborers stupidity. Knowing full good and well if the guy wasn't such a know-it-all butt kisser, that he would never have gotten himself into that spot to begin with.

The rest of that day...the story of what had happened at lunch with the shiner spread all over the job site....Later that day after work.....

One of the guys asked my Dad...." Hey John, You catch anything with those shiners"?

My Dad not missing a beat says "Yeah I caught a laborer...But I had to throw him back".

Fried Chicken Salvation

Being someone who's grown up in a family of primarily Southern Baptists and a few scattered Nazarines.....I am no stranger to the inside of a church. However having said that, I will also tell you that I'm not one of their best customers either.

This is not to say that I don't have faith. Or that I don't believe in worship or in god. I do. I'm just not really good about getting in there on Sundays to hear the sermon.

I cant say that in my family I'm alone in this bad behavior. But I will say that the upper branches of our family tree frown down heavily on all those who choose to practice this as a rule.

This brings me to Great Uncle Mack. Uncle Mack is what could only be thought of as a sport model. The man has personality to burn. And from the whispers I've heard on occasion around our family reunions, a pretty colorful past back in the day.

Uncle Mack would be someone that the Great Aunts and the Grandmothers felt needed to be in church on a daily basis, for the rest of his days on this earth, just to make up for his misspent youth. Although they would never come right out and say that. In our family its one thing to look disapprovingly at ones relatives because of past indiscretions, its another to talk about it openly and call attention to them.

Its not that Uncle Mack didn't go to church and attend services. He did. But Uncle Mack was selective about his attendance. It usually coincided with a church social or some sort of covered dish dinner being held after church was over. Uncle Mack used to say, that was one time you could have six deserts on your plate and nobody thought any less of you for having them. As a matter of fact it was sort of an insult to those fine ladies of the church if you didn't at least sample all the baked goods on the table.

My Great Grandmother was always beside herself over Great Uncle Macks hit and miss attendance at services on Sunday. It didn't help matters at all to know that on the days he wasn't at church he was probably out at one of the family ponds trying to drown a worm. Fishing on Sunday is a BIG NO NO....

Once during one of our many family encounters, I heard my Great Grandmother start once again on the subject of Uncle Macks salvation. She proceeded to tell Uncle Mack he wasn't getting any younger and one of these days, probably sooner than later, he would be standing in front of his maker. Then what excuse would he have for not taking hold of salvation?

Uncle Mack said he wasn't opposed to salvation and he'd get around to it directly. But we knew that the only thing that got him in the front door on Sunday mornings were the get togethers and the food.

I once asked Uncle Mack while we were eating dinner at one of our family reunions.....We were both outside under the big oak tree munching on a Southern Baptist staple, fried chicken.

I said "Uncle Mack are you ever going to give in and just do what they want you to do"?

He said "Well girl....Its like this.....The way I see it.....I'm just one fried chicken dinner away from it now".

The Crossroads

What would you do to get your hearts desire? I don't mean just your wants or simple cravings. I mean the thing you desire more than anything else in the world. The thing that you see as priceless to you.

I know I have on occasion asked myself that question. I think everyone has at one time said "I would give anything if only"....

There is a story in the south about blues guitarist Robert Johnson. The legend says that Johnson traded his soul to the devil at the crossroads of US Highway 61 and US Highway 49 in Clarksdale, Mississippi in exchange for the gift of being able to become a famous blues guitar player.

The legend says that if you go to the crossroads a little before midnight and begin to play the guitar, a large black man would come to you and retune your guitar and hand it back to you. At this point you are supposed to have traded your soul in exchange for your new musical abilities.

I dont think that I would go as far as to deal with the devil to acquire my hearts desire. But maybe that's because of the way I was raised...I am in the bible belt..Hip deep in Southern Baptist values. I was taught there is nothing in this world that is worth sacrificing your soul for. When your a little kid, fear of damnation is some pretty big stuff.

Or maybe there is nothing in this world that I have ever wanted badly enough to risk hell fire and brimstone for.

What about you? Is there something that you want so badly? Something you cant stop thinking about..that you want... you need.... you have to have... That one thing you would do anything for. And if so..How far do you go?

A lot of people compromise their principles on a daily basis for the simplest wants....What about the really big ones?

The devil comes in many forms children....

Feeling Sentimental

Yes I admit it I'm sort of sentimental about my blog. Go figure... I never saw that one coming either.

Its been 14 months since Adrian got me interested in blogging. It started out sort of on a whim...With the blogs title and even my profile being sort of an inside joke between friends... But over time, I guess it sort of feels like home to me. If that makes any sense at all.

I have also had the chance to meet some really great people who have become my blog friends and family. They have changed how I view the world. I used to think of it as a pretty big place. Now I realize that the world and its people are a lot more like me than I ever imagined.

I don't get to tell all of them often enough how much I've enjoyed reading their blogs or even how much I have enjoyed getting to know them on a personal level. (I know I'm terrible about email sometimes) But I have and I do. So to you the bloggers who make me laugh and smile...

To my Jenn with "two N's...
I'm sorry to hear the home computer has gone to cyber heaven. I know you have been busy with camp and concerts and of course that sweetie pie second grader of yours...But thanks so much for the emails. I love catching up. But I miss your posts too...So come back ok.
P.S wow second grade..You are going to have to beat those little girls off with a stick MOM...lol

To Hullabelly.... I am so happy to see you are not only feeling good inside..But outside too...Congratulations on the new place. I wish I could bring you the traditional Oreo's and Milk house warming gift. But I'm with you in spirit if that helps. I'm glad your back posting.

To Dreadcow...I have always enjoyed our talks and emails...You never stop surprising me. lol Thanks for all the great advise and common sense talk. I can always count on you to be straight with me no matter what. I love that about you. Thanks for letting me be a part of things with you too..It means a lot to me. Hang in there you are in the short rows now..And in a few short weeks Dorothy, you will be back in Kansas.....Now go forth and POST!
PS I love your Mom too..She's great!

To Rocket...I sure didn't see you coming. But It was a nice surprise. I know you have a long road ahead of you right now. But remember..Those first steps out the door aren't moving you further from home...They are the first steps to coming back to it. I know your going to find the answer your looking for. But Ill keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Goodluck with T Lee. I hope its the happy ending you wanted. Hugs and kisses to Miss Zoe. And thank you for all you've done for me.

To Stephan...You have been a good friend. Your kindness and patience has meant a lot to me. Thank you so much. I'm glad I have been able to catch up with you lately online..You always get what Im thinking...it must be that brother from another mother thing...lol. I'm glad your feeling better too! You need to post! I want to see the new pictures and you better take some on the island this weekend. :)

To Adrian....I'm glad your back blogging. I'm happy you love the job and the new flat. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world on the new start. Edinburgh sounds like a nice place to be and they are lucky to have you. In case I forgot to say it..Thanks for everything over the past year...And thanks for my blog.

Exmi..I love reading your blog.. Who knew you were a man of so many talents and interests. You gotta love a guy who can bake like that...mannnnnn.
PS : Fencing to a fish is just another way of saying fillay : )

Jef.... Thanks for reading faithfully. Your little girl is so cute. Good job Daddy!

Yea I know this post was mushy and sentimental and probably meant nothing to anyone but me...But its my blog..And I'm proud to say these are some of my blog buddies.

The Time To Stop Digging

The key to digging a hole for yourself is this...Know when to stop digging. When you hit rock bottom..That's the time to stop.

I have dug many a hole for myself in my almost 20 years of life. I sometimes wonder if this is a bad sign. Lets face it...I'm not that old so most of those holes were probably done in my teen years. Which means for the last 5 to 8 years or so.....I have been one busy hole digging individual.

Some might point out that this is a clear indication that I'm not playing with all the cards in my deck. I unfortunately cant dispute this as a possibility. I have had similar thoughts of my own. I sometimes feel like I'm probably my own worst enemy. I know I'm my own worst critic.

I wonder at times why I have gotten to this point in my life where these melt downs occur. I try and reflect and analyze the events of my life to see exactly where I turned onto this road that has lead me to this place. While I see a lot of small clues in answer to this question. There doesn't seem to be any one point in which I have that "Ahhhhhhh" moment of saying "OK there it is".

If you've ever watched a bug caught in a spiders web before, then you may have an idea of the way I feel sometimes. Its as if the bug, going on with his normal buggy little life, isn't looking where he's going and BAM! He runs head first into the web. At first the said bug is sort of stunned. He has that "Hmmm how did I get here" sort of look. Then he realizes, well I don't think I care for this. I think Ill move along. But the more the bug moves.....The more he twists and turns and tries to escape the more entangled he becomes. Eventually he tires and gives up. Resigned to be wrapped up and lost.

I think sometimes I've let myself do that. I struggle so hard with things....I worry.....I over think...Until I exhaust myself. By then the things I struggled against seem so big and so overwhelming, that I sort of just give up. Resigned to the idea that this is where I'm stuck.

Maybe its time to stop struggling. To relax. Not that I want to be caught in this web I've gotten myself into. But the struggling isn't getting me anywhere. So maybe its time for a new plan.

I just have one problem I cant seem to get out of my head....Where is that spider?

Moment To Moment

Life can change in a split second. The things you thought you could count on forever can sometimes disapear in an instant.

Maybe it should be important to live in the moment. Not to keep looking over your shoulder at the regrets of the past or dwell to deeply on the day dreams of the future. But just enjoy what time you have as it happens.

Because one day it may just be gone.


I wish you had at least said goodbye.

This Is Not News......

They caught our President on camera saying the word "shit" to Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Yeah I know, I was shocked too. I was shocked they thought the President letting one fly was news worthy. Yes it might have been in poor taste or bad manners on his part. But the man is the leader of the free world.....And I would imagine he's got a lot of pressures that go along with the job. So to me its not really surprising that during what I would like to point out was a "private" discussion between himself and the Prime Minister Blair he let one fly out.

If the truth be told I've let one fly on occasion for a lot less....Although if you talk to my Mom. I will have to deny that I have any knowledge of such behavior.

The actual quote he said to Mr Blair was: “What they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it’s over,”

But speaking as a girl living in the south, who has a Mom who is big on manners...I bet Miss Barbara wasnt a happy camper. I'm sure the part where he said the "S" word wouldnt shock her nearly as much as the video of her son chewing food with his mouth open while talking to the Prime Minister.

If I'm not mistaken, I believe that's pretty standard stuff that all Moms drill into you when you are a kid..Its in the Moms rules and regulations handbook...Section two..paragraph three...."Elbows off table"...Say "Please and Thank you"....."Yes mam and No mam" and last but not certainly least "Don't talk with your mouth full" or "Chew with your mouth closed"

The way I see it getting caught saying the "S" word is the least of his worries.

Man + Woman = Sex...But not necessarily love.

I was talking to a friend about his feelings for a girl he's just recently met a month or so ago. Ill call her Sam. He seems to think a lot of Sam, at least he's told her he does. They have a lot of things in common..Share views on a lot of different topics and seem to really enjoy each others company. They both seem attracted to each other and share that sort of electricity or chemistry with each other. So naturally the topic of taking things to that next step has come up.

Neither Sam nor my friend are the promiscuous types. When talking to my friend about this aspect of the relationship and his desire to take that next step he said something's that not only made me admire him...But also made me think. He said that while speaking as a guy...His desire to sleep with Sam wasn't an issue. He knew he definitely wanted to and could...NO problem. But speaking as the guy who thought a lot of this girl....He knew he shouldn't unless he was in a place that he could offer her more of himself or a more serious relationship. And right now....As things stood in his life..He couldn't.

I respect that about my friend. I admire that he wants more from sex than just the physical enjoyment of the act. He wants it to actually mean something.

This talk also made me think. Men and women have widely different views on a variety of topics...Sex being just one. Men seem to view sex more in the physical. Where women generally approach it on more of an emotional level.

That's not to say that a man cant be emotionally attached to the woman he's being physical with. I think my friend proves that there are times when in fact they do. But the emotional connection isn't necessary for most men to engage in the physical act. They do not confuse the physical act of sex with the emotion of love. Women on the other hand quite often equate sex with love.

I'm not saying that a woman cant enjoy the physical aspect of sex..They can and definitely do. Or that a woman cant desire sex just for the sake of sex. They can. But more often women internally equate it with love.

Is this where we as women make a mistake? Most people today rush head long into relationships with out giving the relationship time to progress to the point that the emotional side of it can sustain the physical side. Lets face it..The chemistry part comes easy. In the beginning meeting someone new, its all fireworks..sparks and butterflies with combat boots. Its exciting.

But that's not the real love. That's the chemistry. Its biology taking hold. The lasting part, the real part takes time to develop. It takes time to really get to know someone on a level that you really genuinely know who they are. Most of us hold back in the beginning. We don't let everyone see that deeper part of ourselves right away.. It takes time because getting to know another person that deeply is like peeling away layers of an onion...Each layer reveals another aspect to this persons life..Their past..And their personalities.

If we waited..Gave ourselves that time to know the person....Would we still want to be physical after it was all said and done? Maybe...Maybe not.

Maybe thats why they say anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Who Needs All That Nasty Money?

All this time I had thought that working and earning money to buy the comforts I desire was the way to go. I mean isn't that what we are told? You work, you earn, you get part of the American Dream. The car, the family with 2.5 children, the dog named Peety and last but not least a house of your very own.

Ahhhh my friends....This is not so. Today I learned about a man who decided he wanted to live in a house but alas he had no job and no money. Whatever is a poor slacker to do? Well this guy didn't sit around with his nose pressed to the glass dreaming..NOPE!

Last summer this 26 year old man from Montreal looked at his desk and decided to trade a red paper clip on the internet to get his house. As far fetched as it seems that this would work, it did. It took him 14 trades but he did it. And that truly amazes to me. I suppose that's what happens when you think outside the box.

Some of us plod along doing the normal stuff..Day in day out..We follow all the right steps toward building a future...We start on A and then move to B and so on. But how many people would think up something this far out there, let alone actually do it? Ill tell you who..The same people who create all the things we use today. Like for example those guys who decided to create home computers in their garage...I think one of them was named Gates. I think maybe he's still around some where. Hmmmmmm.

Just in case you might be curious...The trades went as follows :

Traded the red paper clip to a woman in Vancouver for a pen that looked like a fish.

Traded the fish pen for a hand made door knob made by a potter in Seattle.

Traded the door knob to someone in Massachusetts for a camp stove.

Traded the camp stove to a US Marine in California for a 100 watt generator.

Traded the generator to someone in Queens for an instant party kit. Contents :An empty keg and an illuminated Budweiser beer sign.

Traded the Instant Party Kit contents to a Montreal radio host for Bombardier Snowmobile.

Now from here I'm not sure where the trading went to......The news report I saw and read only said that at this point he barters his way all the way up to a chance to spend the afternoon with rocker Alice Cooper and a Kiss Snow Globe. He then takes these and trades them for a paid role in a movie actor Corbin Bernsen is making.

If the next question your asking is why would actor Corbin Bernsen trade for a Kiss Snow Globe? Well paper clip guy asked the same question. Apparently Mr Bernsen is a huge collector of Snow Globes. Go figure!

Finally.......The Town of Kipling Sack. contacted him and traded the role in the movie for a farm house. The fact that the paper clip mans last name is MacDonald I'm sure is just purely coincidental.

So there you have it. Mr MacDonald aka the paper clip guy...And his girl friend are flying to see their new house next week sometime...I think they are even giving him the keys to the city. Not to bad right?

The town of Kipling is going to hold a competition in the town to see who gets the movie role they traded the farm house for.

All in all though, you have to admire this guy. I mean how many of us have sort of sat around day dreaming up all kinds of what seemed like crazy things we could do to make money. The only thing that holds us back is that we see them as so far out there we never give it a try. Maybe its time to change that.

If your like me, this story at least makes you say Hmmmmmm.

To Forgive And Forget: And the fear that follows...

You know how I hate getting up on the soap box and being preachy....

OK OK..Stop laughing....

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog for all of 5 seconds knows that Im up and down off of my soap box so often its become an aerobic work out. And as far as being preachy goes..Listen closely and you can probably hear the choir singing.

So I suppose its safe to say that I do have an opinion. About pretty much everything. And If I don't when first asked..You can rest assured.. That given enough time to think about it and puzzle the subject out, I will probably form one.

I know that I have made my share of mistakes. Im still making them. I would like to think I can learn from those mistakes and not repeat them. But if Im honest about it, there are certain choices I have made that seem to just keep coming back to me.

The people in my life that I have chosen to fall for are a good example. I think probably everyone has gone through a break up at least once in their lives. I suppose how you view that break up depends on whether you were the one dumped or the one doing the dumping. There are also the reasons behind the breakup, what caused it to happen.

I think there are a lot of minor offenses that can end a relationship. But probably the biggest worst one in my eyes is infidelity. I think that one not only hurts the person because they have been cheated on ..But it destroys something deep inside you. It causes you to doubt yourself. To think that maybe there is something wrong with you or inside you that made this person do this to you. Even if you know rationally you did nothing to cause it. It still leaves lasting scars in your heart and your head full of doubts.

I think holding on to bitterness and anger is unhealthy. But its hard sometimes after something like that not to start to think Ill never let someone make me feel or look foolish again. You become a little jaded and start to wonder if all men or women are evil at the core. If there is anyone that can be trusted again. At some point we have to decide to let it go. But how?

Its not that a person cant forgive the act. I think they can. But its more difficult to forget. Someplace always in the back of your mind you know that this person who you trusted with the deepest part of yourself betrayed that trust. And even if you could forget it..Should you? Isn't that how we learn..The mistakes we make. Is trusting someone who didn't deserve that trust a mistake? Or do we rationalize why they did it when we forgive them?

I have never been the one doing the breaking up..I have always been the one getting dumped. Which is sad to have to admit..Because I have personally been cheated on numerous times. It would be nice to say I was too smart to let something like that happen to me. But Im human and I guess sometimes its hard to walk away from someone you really care deeply for even if you know on some level they are wrong for you.

One of the things I always preach to my friends about is that everything in life is a choice. The only things we can control for sure is ourselves. If we decide to stay with someone knowing they are wrong for us. Then that's our choice. If they are the type to cheat. Then they are. There is nothing you can do to make them remain faithful or into the person you want them to be. And something that I have learned the hard way is that you cant or shouldn't fool yourself into thinking that you will be the one to make them want to change. That with you it will be different. Because the odds are you wont.

If you decide to stay with them regardless of the facts. Then accept them the way they are. Accept that they will never be true to you. Accept that part of having this person in your life is the clear certainty that you will always be uncertain about everything they say and do. It doesn't mean because you choose them that you deserve to be treated badly. But if you make that choice and they do treat you badly. Don't complain about it. It was your choice. If you don't like it, and don't want to be treated that way then make another choice and don't be. Cut your loses and move on.

It wont be easy to walk. It never is. I think it becomes a question of love for yourself. Of knowing the kind of person and life you want for yourself and feel you deserve to have. If youre a caretaker type personality and not used to putting yourself first. Think of it this way. This person who is doing this to you isn't putting you first in their life...Don't you at least deserve that from the one person who should love you..YOURSELF.

After thinking about this a long long time. I suppose speaking for myself, its never been a question of forgiving. Because in my situation..Forgiveness wasn't called for. Its not a question of forgetting. Because I never can. Its just the type of person I am. But I think the worst part is the small fear. Not that this could happen to me again. I have already accepted that as a possibility. After the first 4 or 5 times it happens..That just becomes a given.

The part that scares me the most. The part that keeps me treading water instead of swimming forward, are the doubts I have about my own choices. What is wrong with my own internal radar that keeps steering me in the wrong direction? Because its not that I don't logically understand and know. Yet still.....

I have come to realize its not a lack of faith in others that stops me in my tracks, its a lack of faith in myself.