The key to digging a hole for yourself is this...Know when to stop digging. When you hit rock bottom..That's the time to stop.
I have dug many a hole for myself in my almost 20 years of life. I sometimes wonder if this is a bad sign. Lets face it...I'm not that old so most of those holes were probably done in my teen years. Which means for the last 5 to 8 years or so.....I have been one busy hole digging individual.
Some might point out that this is a clear indication that I'm not playing with all the cards in my deck. I unfortunately cant dispute this as a possibility. I have had similar thoughts of my own. I sometimes feel like I'm probably my own worst enemy. I know I'm my own worst critic.
I wonder at times why I have gotten to this point in my life where these melt downs occur. I try and reflect and analyze the events of my life to see exactly where I turned onto this road that has lead me to this place. While I see a lot of small clues in answer to this question. There doesn't seem to be any one point in which I have that "Ahhhhhhh" moment of saying "OK there it is".
If you've ever watched a bug caught in a spiders web before, then you may have an idea of the way I feel sometimes. Its as if the bug, going on with his normal buggy little life, isn't looking where he's going and BAM! He runs head first into the web. At first the said bug is sort of stunned. He has that "Hmmm how did I get here" sort of look. Then he realizes, well I don't think I care for this. I think Ill move along. But the more the bug moves.....The more he twists and turns and tries to escape the more entangled he becomes. Eventually he tires and gives up. Resigned to be wrapped up and lost.
I think sometimes I've let myself do that. I struggle so hard with things....I worry.....I over think...Until I exhaust myself. By then the things I struggled against seem so big and so overwhelming, that I sort of just give up. Resigned to the idea that this is where I'm stuck.
Maybe its time to stop struggling. To relax. Not that I want to be caught in this web I've gotten myself into. But the struggling isn't getting me anywhere. So maybe its time for a new plan.
I just have one problem I cant seem to get out of my head....Where is that spider?
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I leave u with my favorite poem of all time. See if you can read the peace and beauty in between the words. Enjoy!
A BLESSING by E.L. Doctorow
Just off the highway to Rochester, Minnesota,
Twilight bounds softly forth on the grass.
And the eyes of those two Indian ponies darken with kindness.
They have come gladly out of the willows to welcome my friend and me.
We step over the barbed wire into the pasture
Where they have been grazing all day, alone.
They ripple tensely, they can hardly contain their happiness
That we have come.
They bow shyly as wet swans. They love each other.
There is no lonliness like theirs.
At home once more,
They begin munching the young tufts of spring in the darkness.
I would like to hold the slenderer one in my arms,
For she has walked over to me
And nuzzled my left hand.
She is black and white,
Her mane falls wild on her forehead,
And the light breeze moves me to caress her long ear
That is delicate as the skin over a girl's wrist.
Suddenly I realize
That if I stepped out of my body I would break into blossom.
isnt that beautiful and so peaceful? Don't over analyze and struggle---Just BE.
oops, sorry. the author of the poem is James Wright.
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