Gravity thou art a bitch....
Isaac Newton may have decided to point out and define the obvious...."what goes up must come down". But personally speaking, I tend to prove his theories on a regular basis. Most recently in fact after taking a backwards fall from some stairs. I am now a semi immobile example of what happens when Newtons Laws are put into practice. And just in case you were wondering, the falling part wasn't so bad, but the landing however, not as great. I believe its the abrupt stop you come to against the hard ground that has to suck the most.
I think back to childhood and all my moms hopes for having a child who was not only smart but also excelled in coordination and grace. She stuck me in dance classes, gymnastics and softball etc.....All with hopes of seeing her little girl....well.... keep up at the very least, if not excel.
I think excelling was a bit too much to ask for. At times keeping up seemed to be to much to hope for too. But I went out there and I gave it my best shot and I didn't always fall down on my most prominent feature and embarrass myself or my family. Not that my mom would have ever admitted to being embarrassed by my two left feet and lack of balance. But I know as hard as she tried to encourage me to get up brush myself off and get my all to bruised derriere back out there and keep trying, she must have had hopes it was something Id grow out of eventually. Sorry mom...it didn't happen.
Normally I wouldn't mind a few days guilt free vacation (Doctors orders) to lay in bed and catch up on my reading and sleep. Especially since I haven't been sleeping very well for the past few months. But after 5 days of basically laying around unable to move, and a few more days of hopping around one legged, I'm really over the joy of immobile bed rest. The thrill is gone.
I have slept way to much due to some Doctor prescribed medications ... I'm all slept out. I have watched more TV in the past week than I have watched in the past year and I have read at least a half dozen books. To be honest I am going out of what little mind I have. I need activity, something to keep my mind and body busy. The quiet time I normally would have enjoyed and looked forward to has become more a deafening silence that gives me to much time to over think everything in my life. Something that I do not want to do right now. Mainly because I have no solid answers to any of my current questions.
So here I am. On my blog once again...my own little slice of therapy. Venting a little, feeling a bit edgy and restless and wondering whats going to happen next? I guess I just stand up one more time and keep moving forward one left foot in front of the other and figure it out as I go. At least until my next trip and fall from grace.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday
Maybe it's a sign.....
The rain has stopped and the air is cool but comfortable... The sky is this vivid cloudless blue and the air smells fresh and clean.
It's a good day and when I left school instead of going home I just kept going. Out of the city in no particular direction or destination...I just drove. It felt good. The window down, the music on and just leaving all the familar landmarks behind me.
I realized the farther I went the more I was smiling and the better I felt. It's not the same feeling this time as all the other times I've wanted to run away from home over the past year or so. It wasn't like that. I don't even know if I can put the reason why it felt so good into words.
Maybe it's a combination of things, all the random right conditions to make just driving no where feel perfect. It's days like this I can almost feel hopeful.
I'm trying to finish the things Ive started here so I can go forward with the next step in my life with a clean slate.
I still feel regrets when I look back over the mistakes and time wasted over the past year or so. But maybe that's just how it's supposed to be? Maybe it's important to feel pain or sadness for your screw ups. Maybe that's just one of the consequences of making mistakes you have to live with. Maybe those kinds of marks heal slower so you will remember them.
I honestly don't know, but what I do know is that today I feel lighter. I feel like maybe there are possibilties and good things out there waiting for me. I'm becoming excited to see what they might be and to see how I'll turn out.
Today is just a normal Tursday but right now it feels peaceful and perfect.
The rain has stopped and the air is cool but comfortable... The sky is this vivid cloudless blue and the air smells fresh and clean.
It's a good day and when I left school instead of going home I just kept going. Out of the city in no particular direction or destination...I just drove. It felt good. The window down, the music on and just leaving all the familar landmarks behind me.
I realized the farther I went the more I was smiling and the better I felt. It's not the same feeling this time as all the other times I've wanted to run away from home over the past year or so. It wasn't like that. I don't even know if I can put the reason why it felt so good into words.
Maybe it's a combination of things, all the random right conditions to make just driving no where feel perfect. It's days like this I can almost feel hopeful.
I'm trying to finish the things Ive started here so I can go forward with the next step in my life with a clean slate.
I still feel regrets when I look back over the mistakes and time wasted over the past year or so. But maybe that's just how it's supposed to be? Maybe it's important to feel pain or sadness for your screw ups. Maybe that's just one of the consequences of making mistakes you have to live with. Maybe those kinds of marks heal slower so you will remember them.
I honestly don't know, but what I do know is that today I feel lighter. I feel like maybe there are possibilties and good things out there waiting for me. I'm becoming excited to see what they might be and to see how I'll turn out.
Today is just a normal Tursday but right now it feels peaceful and perfect.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Becoming Me
I have written and rewritten this post numerous times. Each time choosing not to publish it until now.
After reading the words I'd written and thinking of the frame of mind I was in at several points while writing, I think it was probably the right decision.
I've gone through my own personal downward spiral of sorts in the last few months. I indulged or maybe a better word would be wallowed in some self pity, a wee bit of self loathing, a good deal of anger...directed at my family, my friends and most especially at myself...then finally moving on to numbness and a sadness I couldn't seem to get a hold of.
If someone had died I'd almost think I was moving through the stages of grief. And maybe in truth there is in part a death of sorts happening inside me. I've had to look at myself a little closer. I've had to rethink a few of the truths I had believed about myself and I realized that I don't like all I see. I've had to be honest with myself and admit that I'm not exactly the person I thought I was.
The good news is I'm not a totally worthless human being. But I'm finding that it's far to easy to dwell on all the mistakes Ive made and continue to indulge in guilt and anger as well as feeling sorry for myself. Which I know ultimately is a pointless exercise.
I am used to being my own worst critic, so it's very easy for me to slip into those above feelings and be caught up in them. But what does that type of thinking or behavior prove? What problems will it solve or what positive action will result from it?
I think the answer is that it solves nothing. While it's true in one aspect it might give me a better understanding of my mistakes so I don't repeat them....so I suppose it could possibly be seen as a positive in that way. Overall it isn't anything but a deep bitterness that not only holds you down but eats you up over time.
EE Cumings said "It takes alot of courage to grow up and be who you really are".
I think he's right it does. I am starting to realize how hard it can be to just be true to yourself. To be who you are deep down to your bones and not just a reflection of what others want you to be.
Henry Frederick Emile said "Learn to be what you are, and learn to resign with good grace all that you are not"
This is a lesson I haven't quite mastered. But still a valuable one to learn I think. I need to realize I'm not always going to be the good person I might imagine or wish myself to be. I make mistakes. I have hang ups and sometimes make some really bad choices.
Some might say that it's normal and human to do this. I would agree it is. But I used to believe that good intentions were the most important thing. Because as long as I was trying to be a good person, trying to live a decent, honest life, trying to be genuine and sincere with others that's what counted most.
Now I realize while those things do matter they don't absolve or erase wrongs done. Those actions are what they are. They have consequences and they stand alone. You can't repair or fix them with good intentions or other good acts. All you can do in truth is feel a remorse and hopefully learn something so you don't repeat them.
I don't know who said this one but I can relate to it....."There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads... afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our lives. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back"
I have spent far to much time in my life pulling back and or digging in. It was wasted time. Fear of failure, or rejection or disapproval by those that mean something to you is a hard thing to over come. Maybe that's where the courage comes in. Maybe you have to face forward and keep going no matter how afraid you might be to fall.
Nathaniel Hawthorne said "No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true".
I'm finding out first hand how true this is. It's very hard and exhausting always trying to be what others want or expect you to be. Especially when you know deep inside you it's not real. If that kind of mask is worn long enough I think you really do forget and start to lose track of which face is the real you. I think you have to be brave and expose yourself to the world. The real you and not allow fear of being different hold you back.
EE Cummings also said "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best night and day to make you everyone else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight. Never stop fighting".
I know I'm not unique here. I know that I'm not the first person to feel like this or struggle. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever caved in to the wishes of family, peers or what is considered the societal norm ....So no this isn't some new revelation. I guess I just realize more than ever that I have choices to make. Life is short. I have one chance to live today. So I can revel in my individuality....I can explore this person I feel inside me. Or I can conform. I can blend in. I can become invisible.
I know this isn't one of those choices you make and once made it's done. I think this is a daily walk out into the world conscious act. I think you have to be self aware and work at it. You have to fight to keep on track.
Sometimes I think during the course of normal life we get shown things that will make us better if we pay attention and take action. And sometimes we find out we have to rethink and change the course we are on.
Mick Jagger said "You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need"
I have to agree.
After reading the words I'd written and thinking of the frame of mind I was in at several points while writing, I think it was probably the right decision.
I've gone through my own personal downward spiral of sorts in the last few months. I indulged or maybe a better word would be wallowed in some self pity, a wee bit of self loathing, a good deal of anger...directed at my family, my friends and most especially at myself...then finally moving on to numbness and a sadness I couldn't seem to get a hold of.
If someone had died I'd almost think I was moving through the stages of grief. And maybe in truth there is in part a death of sorts happening inside me. I've had to look at myself a little closer. I've had to rethink a few of the truths I had believed about myself and I realized that I don't like all I see. I've had to be honest with myself and admit that I'm not exactly the person I thought I was.
The good news is I'm not a totally worthless human being. But I'm finding that it's far to easy to dwell on all the mistakes Ive made and continue to indulge in guilt and anger as well as feeling sorry for myself. Which I know ultimately is a pointless exercise.
I am used to being my own worst critic, so it's very easy for me to slip into those above feelings and be caught up in them. But what does that type of thinking or behavior prove? What problems will it solve or what positive action will result from it?
I think the answer is that it solves nothing. While it's true in one aspect it might give me a better understanding of my mistakes so I don't repeat them....so I suppose it could possibly be seen as a positive in that way. Overall it isn't anything but a deep bitterness that not only holds you down but eats you up over time.
EE Cumings said "It takes alot of courage to grow up and be who you really are".
I think he's right it does. I am starting to realize how hard it can be to just be true to yourself. To be who you are deep down to your bones and not just a reflection of what others want you to be.
Henry Frederick Emile said "Learn to be what you are, and learn to resign with good grace all that you are not"
This is a lesson I haven't quite mastered. But still a valuable one to learn I think. I need to realize I'm not always going to be the good person I might imagine or wish myself to be. I make mistakes. I have hang ups and sometimes make some really bad choices.
Some might say that it's normal and human to do this. I would agree it is. But I used to believe that good intentions were the most important thing. Because as long as I was trying to be a good person, trying to live a decent, honest life, trying to be genuine and sincere with others that's what counted most.
Now I realize while those things do matter they don't absolve or erase wrongs done. Those actions are what they are. They have consequences and they stand alone. You can't repair or fix them with good intentions or other good acts. All you can do in truth is feel a remorse and hopefully learn something so you don't repeat them.
I don't know who said this one but I can relate to it....."There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads... afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our lives. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back"
I have spent far to much time in my life pulling back and or digging in. It was wasted time. Fear of failure, or rejection or disapproval by those that mean something to you is a hard thing to over come. Maybe that's where the courage comes in. Maybe you have to face forward and keep going no matter how afraid you might be to fall.
Nathaniel Hawthorne said "No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true".
I'm finding out first hand how true this is. It's very hard and exhausting always trying to be what others want or expect you to be. Especially when you know deep inside you it's not real. If that kind of mask is worn long enough I think you really do forget and start to lose track of which face is the real you. I think you have to be brave and expose yourself to the world. The real you and not allow fear of being different hold you back.
EE Cummings also said "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best night and day to make you everyone else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight. Never stop fighting".
I know I'm not unique here. I know that I'm not the first person to feel like this or struggle. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever caved in to the wishes of family, peers or what is considered the societal norm ....So no this isn't some new revelation. I guess I just realize more than ever that I have choices to make. Life is short. I have one chance to live today. So I can revel in my individuality....I can explore this person I feel inside me. Or I can conform. I can blend in. I can become invisible.
I know this isn't one of those choices you make and once made it's done. I think this is a daily walk out into the world conscious act. I think you have to be self aware and work at it. You have to fight to keep on track.
Sometimes I think during the course of normal life we get shown things that will make us better if we pay attention and take action. And sometimes we find out we have to rethink and change the course we are on.
Mick Jagger said "You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need"
I have to agree.
Friday, January 01, 2010
The Holidays 2009
Q) What do you get when you cross a strong willed perfectionist with an alcoholic substance abuser?
A) You get a child who is never satisfied with anything she does... who never feels quite good enough.....who bends over backwards to pacify and please others.
I spent my Christmas alone this year. By my own choice. I know...I shouldn't even be allowed to complain right? I mean a lot of people do that every year...they have no choice. They have no family or friends and are essentially alone in the world. So why should I have the right to complain or feel sad about this choice I made....I shouldn't. But I do.
I admit...I am feeling weary, beaten down and at the end of my rope. I do love my family, my mom has done a lot for me, sacrificed a lot to help me get to where I am now. But at times I feel so much pressure to be this person she wants me to be. And my father....well hes an alcoholic who is very skilled at guilting me.
I suppose all substance abusers are similar. If you grow up with them you learn certain behaviors that become a part of who you are. Like trying to cover up what they do..... you hide it from friends or others. You do this in part because you're ashamed and in part because you feel the need to take care of them. You sort of look out for them and that means keeping things looking normal...at least from the outside.
My dads family who knows what he is but never speaks of it openly, seems to expect me to suck it up. They seem to feel I should just accept or over look his behavior and the way that it makes me feel. They constantly ask me questions about my fathers health or his life that I have no answers to. They comment about how they rarely see me or hear from me and how I am not at enough family gatherings.
But do they ever once ask me why I'm not there? Whats happening that keeps me away? I'm not a heartless person. But I'm not a masochist either...Why would I continue to subject myself to situations that only cause me pain?
I suppose to an outsiders point of view it should be an easy choice right? The person or persons in question make you miserable so you write them off. But when that person is a parent its not that simple or that black and white.
Yes, I am an adult. I don't blame my parents or my childhood for the woman I am or the choices or mistakes I make. I realize that these are things I have to take responsibility for. This is my life...And yet....I cant seem to say no to these people. I wind up bending and even breaking to do things their way, even when their way twists my stomach up in knots.
So this year...after having to turn down plans with friends for the holidays that might have really been fun and made me happy in favor of other plans with my family, that I agreed to not because I wanted to so much, but because I didn't have the backbone to say no......I wound up spending the time alone anyway.
I am alone a lot since I moved to this city ...But when you go to school full time and work full time that rarely leaves time to do much of anything outside of sleeping....and while Im ok with being alone most of the time....frequently I still do feel lonely. But this was more than that....this felt like being hollow...empty inside.
The day after Christmas in an act of desperation...I even went to a place that I consider almost hell on earth...I went to the mall. I wasn't there to shop. I bought myself a coffee...sat on a bench and just watched people. The place was packed with after Christmas bargain shoppers and the roar of the all the voices was like white noise....it was nice to just drown out the thoughts that had been buzzing around in my head. For alittle while I didnt think about the guilt I was feeling about my family and my friends that I didn't and wouldn't see for the holidays.
I sat there and looked at the kids with the dreads down their back and wondered how long had it taken them to get them so long.... and the guy who had these really cool tattoos and I wondered what the story was behind them or was it just his art or the tiny girl who had purple streaks in her hair and who's clothes were sort of gothed out, I really liked her dress and watching her I realized I miss black nail polish..... then there were the moms and dads with kids of all ages or the people who were more preppy college types. I just watched them all and started wondering what these people were like in person and what their lives were like. I tried to imagine myself being friends with any of them...and I realized I probably could. That even the ones who were really unlike me on the outside might be the coolest most interesting ones to know. I wondered how it would feel to just be able to step away from my life and start a new one some place else.
But I am told that its not about your geographical location....its about finding a place inside you that you can live in and be happy. Maybe so...but still...what if?
A) You get a child who is never satisfied with anything she does... who never feels quite good enough.....who bends over backwards to pacify and please others.
I spent my Christmas alone this year. By my own choice. I know...I shouldn't even be allowed to complain right? I mean a lot of people do that every year...they have no choice. They have no family or friends and are essentially alone in the world. So why should I have the right to complain or feel sad about this choice I made....I shouldn't. But I do.
I admit...I am feeling weary, beaten down and at the end of my rope. I do love my family, my mom has done a lot for me, sacrificed a lot to help me get to where I am now. But at times I feel so much pressure to be this person she wants me to be. And my father....well hes an alcoholic who is very skilled at guilting me.
I suppose all substance abusers are similar. If you grow up with them you learn certain behaviors that become a part of who you are. Like trying to cover up what they do..... you hide it from friends or others. You do this in part because you're ashamed and in part because you feel the need to take care of them. You sort of look out for them and that means keeping things looking normal...at least from the outside.
My dads family who knows what he is but never speaks of it openly, seems to expect me to suck it up. They seem to feel I should just accept or over look his behavior and the way that it makes me feel. They constantly ask me questions about my fathers health or his life that I have no answers to. They comment about how they rarely see me or hear from me and how I am not at enough family gatherings.
But do they ever once ask me why I'm not there? Whats happening that keeps me away? I'm not a heartless person. But I'm not a masochist either...Why would I continue to subject myself to situations that only cause me pain?
I suppose to an outsiders point of view it should be an easy choice right? The person or persons in question make you miserable so you write them off. But when that person is a parent its not that simple or that black and white.
Yes, I am an adult. I don't blame my parents or my childhood for the woman I am or the choices or mistakes I make. I realize that these are things I have to take responsibility for. This is my life...And yet....I cant seem to say no to these people. I wind up bending and even breaking to do things their way, even when their way twists my stomach up in knots.
So this year...after having to turn down plans with friends for the holidays that might have really been fun and made me happy in favor of other plans with my family, that I agreed to not because I wanted to so much, but because I didn't have the backbone to say no......I wound up spending the time alone anyway.
I am alone a lot since I moved to this city ...But when you go to school full time and work full time that rarely leaves time to do much of anything outside of sleeping....and while Im ok with being alone most of the time....frequently I still do feel lonely. But this was more than that....this felt like being hollow...empty inside.
The day after Christmas in an act of desperation...I even went to a place that I consider almost hell on earth...I went to the mall. I wasn't there to shop. I bought myself a coffee...sat on a bench and just watched people. The place was packed with after Christmas bargain shoppers and the roar of the all the voices was like white noise....it was nice to just drown out the thoughts that had been buzzing around in my head. For alittle while I didnt think about the guilt I was feeling about my family and my friends that I didn't and wouldn't see for the holidays.
I sat there and looked at the kids with the dreads down their back and wondered how long had it taken them to get them so long.... and the guy who had these really cool tattoos and I wondered what the story was behind them or was it just his art or the tiny girl who had purple streaks in her hair and who's clothes were sort of gothed out, I really liked her dress and watching her I realized I miss black nail polish..... then there were the moms and dads with kids of all ages or the people who were more preppy college types. I just watched them all and started wondering what these people were like in person and what their lives were like. I tried to imagine myself being friends with any of them...and I realized I probably could. That even the ones who were really unlike me on the outside might be the coolest most interesting ones to know. I wondered how it would feel to just be able to step away from my life and start a new one some place else.
But I am told that its not about your geographical location....its about finding a place inside you that you can live in and be happy. Maybe so...but still...what if?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Hello World
Yes I know its been awhile. I'm sorry Ive neglected you. So how are you? Hows the family? Read any good books lately? Heard any music that has your heart pumping? What do you think about whats going on in the world right now?
In case you wondered, I'm doing fine. Still in school and on the deans list. Or I was until I hit a small academic pot hole called Math. It has been suggested that I might be mathematically challenged if you can believe that. But I'm not going to allow this to slow down my forward momentum...I feel fairly confident that given enough time and chocolate I will conquer this minor set back as well.
I did have a small epiphany of sorts...I just realized how now being mentally ready for school has made such a huge difference in the way I view the entire process. I know now that I made the right choice to wait. Had I started a couple of years ago, I might be farther along with my goals...But I don't think I would have gotten as much out of the experience as I am now.
I just recently had to purchase a new laptop. My old one, my favorite piece of technology and good friend to me, finally died a quick and silent death. Please observe a moment of silence now....May it rest in peace.
The new laptop is OK...but its new. I haven't quite gotten used to the foreign feeling of the key board..or the sounds it makes..and it has windows VISTA! I have to tell you, this was not a selling point in its favor. I do not care for this new version. In fact I will go as far as to say it BITES. However, I will concede that possibly the ill feelings I have for this Operating System are due to me being a creature of habit who enjoys the familiar. Not that I cant adapt to change..I can and I guess I will. But its not a change I would have taken willingly. So DAMN YOU Bill Gates! If its not broke stop trying to fix it.
On a national note...Gas prices have decreased along with interest rates...which would be a wonderful thing by themselves. Unfortunately in this case its merely a sign that our economy is sick and circling the bowl. Which in turn makes for a weaker dollar and a weaker nation....SO that sound you hear..that gurgle...that's the sound of our nation choking. And I'm not sure what it will take to breath life back into to it.
Yes I know...Its time for a change. Isn't that the mantra of the day? Well maybe it is time for changes to be made. Perhaps its time to do some house cleaning and get rid of the old school way of conducting business. And it seems as though the the vast majority seem to think since we have been free thinking and open enough as a nation to finally elect the first black American into the highest office this country can offer that we are all on the right track to make those changes. I'm not so sure.
I have many concerns about our new leader and I wont deny I didn't care for him as a candidate for president. I will concede that he has a charismatic way of speaking that draws people in...I'm just not quite convinced he is who he has portrayed himself to be. I have concerns that he like most others before him have spun a public persona that was intended to win the support of the public and get him into the oval office. Which worked...so what happens now?
I am not like so many others who would like to see him crash and burn. I don't want this because ultimately I know if he fails...then we as a country will fail too. And I want our country to recover and thrive. But I worry that to many see him as the political equivalent of the messiah...someone who will walk on water and turn the water into wine. I am concerned that we are putting to much emphasis on the fact he is a black man. As if this is going to change what he can do for us as a nation. I am concerned that this fact alone is a double edge sword. On one hand there will be those who put him under a microscope to dissect his every move in minute detail...and wait to pounce on each mistake. And then there will be those who think he can do no wrong and will make allowances and excuses for any bad behavior or wrong choice.
I am not blind to the historical significance of it all. But I am not swayed by the color of the mans skin either. Show me you can do the job. Show me you are a man of character. Then Ill support you all the way. But I have to be honest..so far you haven't shown me much in either of those departments. But I will wait and see like everyone else and hope for the best.
His choice of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State didn't do much to sway me in his favor. He tapped a woman who not only has the most minimal experience and expertise internationally.....But also a woman who claimed she was met with sniper fire during her trip to Bosnia....when in fact the only thing she was greeted with was a small child with a flower. Her retelling of that story repetitively during her campaigning shows me she is not an honest individual. Not that I ever thought she was. But do we want someone like that as our Secretary of State?
I have to also wonder if this promotion was in anyway a response to Ms Clinton bringing her support and those voters that would have followed her to the Obama side of ticket? Washington has always been a city of favors done and favors given. We will see.
In case you wondered, I'm doing fine. Still in school and on the deans list. Or I was until I hit a small academic pot hole called Math. It has been suggested that I might be mathematically challenged if you can believe that. But I'm not going to allow this to slow down my forward momentum...I feel fairly confident that given enough time and chocolate I will conquer this minor set back as well.
I did have a small epiphany of sorts...I just realized how now being mentally ready for school has made such a huge difference in the way I view the entire process. I know now that I made the right choice to wait. Had I started a couple of years ago, I might be farther along with my goals...But I don't think I would have gotten as much out of the experience as I am now.
I just recently had to purchase a new laptop. My old one, my favorite piece of technology and good friend to me, finally died a quick and silent death. Please observe a moment of silence now....May it rest in peace.
The new laptop is OK...but its new. I haven't quite gotten used to the foreign feeling of the key board..or the sounds it makes..and it has windows VISTA! I have to tell you, this was not a selling point in its favor. I do not care for this new version. In fact I will go as far as to say it BITES. However, I will concede that possibly the ill feelings I have for this Operating System are due to me being a creature of habit who enjoys the familiar. Not that I cant adapt to change..I can and I guess I will. But its not a change I would have taken willingly. So DAMN YOU Bill Gates! If its not broke stop trying to fix it.
On a national note...Gas prices have decreased along with interest rates...which would be a wonderful thing by themselves. Unfortunately in this case its merely a sign that our economy is sick and circling the bowl. Which in turn makes for a weaker dollar and a weaker nation....SO that sound you hear..that gurgle...that's the sound of our nation choking. And I'm not sure what it will take to breath life back into to it.
Yes I know...Its time for a change. Isn't that the mantra of the day? Well maybe it is time for changes to be made. Perhaps its time to do some house cleaning and get rid of the old school way of conducting business. And it seems as though the the vast majority seem to think since we have been free thinking and open enough as a nation to finally elect the first black American into the highest office this country can offer that we are all on the right track to make those changes. I'm not so sure.
I have many concerns about our new leader and I wont deny I didn't care for him as a candidate for president. I will concede that he has a charismatic way of speaking that draws people in...I'm just not quite convinced he is who he has portrayed himself to be. I have concerns that he like most others before him have spun a public persona that was intended to win the support of the public and get him into the oval office. Which worked...so what happens now?
I am not like so many others who would like to see him crash and burn. I don't want this because ultimately I know if he fails...then we as a country will fail too. And I want our country to recover and thrive. But I worry that to many see him as the political equivalent of the messiah...someone who will walk on water and turn the water into wine. I am concerned that we are putting to much emphasis on the fact he is a black man. As if this is going to change what he can do for us as a nation. I am concerned that this fact alone is a double edge sword. On one hand there will be those who put him under a microscope to dissect his every move in minute detail...and wait to pounce on each mistake. And then there will be those who think he can do no wrong and will make allowances and excuses for any bad behavior or wrong choice.
I am not blind to the historical significance of it all. But I am not swayed by the color of the mans skin either. Show me you can do the job. Show me you are a man of character. Then Ill support you all the way. But I have to be honest..so far you haven't shown me much in either of those departments. But I will wait and see like everyone else and hope for the best.
His choice of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State didn't do much to sway me in his favor. He tapped a woman who not only has the most minimal experience and expertise internationally.....But also a woman who claimed she was met with sniper fire during her trip to Bosnia....when in fact the only thing she was greeted with was a small child with a flower. Her retelling of that story repetitively during her campaigning shows me she is not an honest individual. Not that I ever thought she was. But do we want someone like that as our Secretary of State?
I have to also wonder if this promotion was in anyway a response to Ms Clinton bringing her support and those voters that would have followed her to the Obama side of ticket? Washington has always been a city of favors done and favors given. We will see.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Dating, Sex and Singleness
I have no reason to complain...and this isn't really a complaint....more just thoughts written down.
Here I am almost 22. After a little struggle and much procrastination, Ive figured out a plan for my life. Well maybe not my entire life, but at least this part of it.
This year Ive moved from the parents house to a place of my own in a new city. Ive begun a new job...(one only meant to pay the bills and put a little cash in my pockets while in school) and was promoted soon after I began. Which while the job itself and the promotion isn't a huge deal....it will put a few more dollars in my weekly paychecks and that's always a good thing. I began going to a new University. I'm still in the early stages of my chosen program, but so far I'm making straight A's. Ive gotten a new puppy a few months ago...who at this moment is completely house broken and as it turns out is pretty smart. Everyone who meets him seems to fall in love with him, and that's sort of cool. Ive got some really great roommates we get along very well...and a small circle of close friends near and far that I'm grateful for. The parents have backed off a great deal, letting me stand on my own...but still remain supportive. That all in itself is a nice change.
So all in all...I'm moving in what could be considered a positive forward motion right? So why do I still feel so restless?
Ive never felt the need to follow the crowd, not being one of those type people who have to do it because everyone of my friends are doing it. But I have to admit when I look around and see people all around me in serious relationships, it makes me feel a little envious.
Ive never had a problem being single. Ive always been OK with being on my own and never felt the need to have to be dating someone continuously. Ive never felt the need to have an escort each time I go out. And its not even that I'm in envy of a certain situation or individual couple. I guess its just that, I am reminded of what it felt like to have someone significant in my life. To have that feeling of closeness and connection with another person. I think that's what I'm missing.
But since I'm not dating and haven't been for well over a year or so....it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where I'm going wrong does it? Girl wants someone in her life, so girl needs to date in order to find that someone who fits that life. Seems so simple and its generally how its done I'm told. The thing is I don't feel like the situations or people out there make me feel like I want to take that step.
A long distance friend of mine and I were talking and he made the statement that he couldn't understand why I wasn't being pursued or asked out. He asked if there was something wrong with American guys? No...there isn't I guess...I suppose they are probably like guys anywhere. And I told him that it wasn't a case of not being asked...it was more one of me not accepting those invitations. So the fact that I am in this situation at all is of my own making. I know this...and again I'm not complaining.
But I do wonder if maybe I'm just backwards in my thinking. Maybe its not my situation, but my expectations of what I want that are off base. I used to think that if I were patient and waited, it would just happen on its own. But now I'm honestly not so sure. What if I'm wrong?
Ive always believed you cant go out and replace someone you were in love with. It doesn't work that way. You cant fill a void left by one person by trying to recreate that feeling with another. (or at least I cant) And a lot of times it feels as though people want to hurry to quickly into making a serious relationship out of an early infatuation. They barely know someone before they are professing their love and talking of a future. How can you say the words "I love you" to someone you barely know? Most of the time you haven't had enough time to find out if you can even like them long term let alone love them. Isn't love something you discover about them as time goes on and you see who they are?
Not to mention, Do I really want a guy who tells each and every girl he dates hes in love with her? How then can I be sure that if and when he says it to me it is different or that I am different to him than all the others that came before me? And if you say those words to everyone you date doesn't it lessen their importance and significance? It seems as if it would almost desensitise the real value of what that all is supposed to mean.
Then there is sex. Not something I'm opposed to. But not something I feel I want to do with each guy I go on a date with either. Although that does seem to be the way its done now. Its seen as just sex, and isn't supposed to be more or mean more than that....The thing is....if I don't care enough about you to be able to say I love you to you, then how can I share the rest of myself with you? Maybe it boils down to not thinking it out that far"? Maybe I'm not supposed to be thinking of what the consequences or where it goes after...just of enjoying the moment? Is it all just live and let live?
And I have to wonder....if I abandon my previous thinking...and I just follow the new tide...will I really find what it is I really want. Which is something real, that feeling...that connection that one person who knows me inside and out.
One day several months ago the same friend who had asked me about dating and I were having one of those really great talks about anything and everything...And out of the blue he gave me a really great compliment....He said "You know Jen, you really are an exceptional girl, really very genuine". Knowing him, I'm sure he didn't mean anything significant by saying this...it was just a simple observation during the course of one conversation. But to me it meant a lot. Because in a world where it sometimes feels more important as to what I am...he maybe every so briefly saw who I am.
And who knows....if he could see something....maybe someone else will take the time to as well.
Here I am almost 22. After a little struggle and much procrastination, Ive figured out a plan for my life. Well maybe not my entire life, but at least this part of it.
This year Ive moved from the parents house to a place of my own in a new city. Ive begun a new job...(one only meant to pay the bills and put a little cash in my pockets while in school) and was promoted soon after I began. Which while the job itself and the promotion isn't a huge deal....it will put a few more dollars in my weekly paychecks and that's always a good thing. I began going to a new University. I'm still in the early stages of my chosen program, but so far I'm making straight A's. Ive gotten a new puppy a few months ago...who at this moment is completely house broken and as it turns out is pretty smart. Everyone who meets him seems to fall in love with him, and that's sort of cool. Ive got some really great roommates we get along very well...and a small circle of close friends near and far that I'm grateful for. The parents have backed off a great deal, letting me stand on my own...but still remain supportive. That all in itself is a nice change.
So all in all...I'm moving in what could be considered a positive forward motion right? So why do I still feel so restless?
Ive never felt the need to follow the crowd, not being one of those type people who have to do it because everyone of my friends are doing it. But I have to admit when I look around and see people all around me in serious relationships, it makes me feel a little envious.
Ive never had a problem being single. Ive always been OK with being on my own and never felt the need to have to be dating someone continuously. Ive never felt the need to have an escort each time I go out. And its not even that I'm in envy of a certain situation or individual couple. I guess its just that, I am reminded of what it felt like to have someone significant in my life. To have that feeling of closeness and connection with another person. I think that's what I'm missing.
But since I'm not dating and haven't been for well over a year or so....it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where I'm going wrong does it? Girl wants someone in her life, so girl needs to date in order to find that someone who fits that life. Seems so simple and its generally how its done I'm told. The thing is I don't feel like the situations or people out there make me feel like I want to take that step.
A long distance friend of mine and I were talking and he made the statement that he couldn't understand why I wasn't being pursued or asked out. He asked if there was something wrong with American guys? No...there isn't I guess...I suppose they are probably like guys anywhere. And I told him that it wasn't a case of not being asked...it was more one of me not accepting those invitations. So the fact that I am in this situation at all is of my own making. I know this...and again I'm not complaining.
But I do wonder if maybe I'm just backwards in my thinking. Maybe its not my situation, but my expectations of what I want that are off base. I used to think that if I were patient and waited, it would just happen on its own. But now I'm honestly not so sure. What if I'm wrong?
Ive always believed you cant go out and replace someone you were in love with. It doesn't work that way. You cant fill a void left by one person by trying to recreate that feeling with another. (or at least I cant) And a lot of times it feels as though people want to hurry to quickly into making a serious relationship out of an early infatuation. They barely know someone before they are professing their love and talking of a future. How can you say the words "I love you" to someone you barely know? Most of the time you haven't had enough time to find out if you can even like them long term let alone love them. Isn't love something you discover about them as time goes on and you see who they are?
Not to mention, Do I really want a guy who tells each and every girl he dates hes in love with her? How then can I be sure that if and when he says it to me it is different or that I am different to him than all the others that came before me? And if you say those words to everyone you date doesn't it lessen their importance and significance? It seems as if it would almost desensitise the real value of what that all is supposed to mean.
Then there is sex. Not something I'm opposed to. But not something I feel I want to do with each guy I go on a date with either. Although that does seem to be the way its done now. Its seen as just sex, and isn't supposed to be more or mean more than that....The thing is....if I don't care enough about you to be able to say I love you to you, then how can I share the rest of myself with you? Maybe it boils down to not thinking it out that far"? Maybe I'm not supposed to be thinking of what the consequences or where it goes after...just of enjoying the moment? Is it all just live and let live?
And I have to wonder....if I abandon my previous thinking...and I just follow the new tide...will I really find what it is I really want. Which is something real, that feeling...that connection that one person who knows me inside and out.
One day several months ago the same friend who had asked me about dating and I were having one of those really great talks about anything and everything...And out of the blue he gave me a really great compliment....He said "You know Jen, you really are an exceptional girl, really very genuine". Knowing him, I'm sure he didn't mean anything significant by saying this...it was just a simple observation during the course of one conversation. But to me it meant a lot. Because in a world where it sometimes feels more important as to what I am...he maybe every so briefly saw who I am.
And who knows....if he could see something....maybe someone else will take the time to as well.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
License To Procreate
I posted last about a 47 year old father who thought it would be a good idea to provide his 15 year old son with some heavy duty prescription drugs, because he felt he needed to teach his son how to "party right" His son later died of accidental overdose.
The suggestion was made that maybe we need to require someone to have a license to be able to become a parent? We are required to have licenses for a great many other things in life. Things like driving a car, getting married, practicing medicine, selling alcohol, carrying a gun....even cutting hair or owning a pet requires a license.
So when it comes to something as important as raising a child into a healthy adult should we need a license for that too?
I SAY NO!
I will be the first to say that stories like the one above, where parents are clearly not parenting. They make me angry, beyond angry. I think if you want to screw up your life as an adult. SO be it..go for it. You wont be alone, there will be plenty of other losers out there in the world who are also tossing their lives away just like you are to keep you company. At least until you are useless to them....because people like that are usually only there as long as the party lasts...after that they are vapor.
But when there is a kid involved. Then, its no longer OK. It doesn't matter what you want. It only matters whats best for your child. END OF STORY.
But does this mean that a license to be a parent is the answer?
NO, I don't think it is.
First of all, its not the job of the government to guide us as parents nor should they dictate to us whether we can become parents. And if we do give them that sort of control, then what? Do they then also tell us what type of discipline we can administer as parents? Do they get to tell us what programs our children can view, what movies and music, what time they have to be in bed at night, what type of foods they can or cant eat? OK maybe that sounds a bit extreme. But the point its its not a governments job to raise our kids. Its OUR job and we need to start taking it more seriously.
Lets go one step further.....who is going to make sure this license system is enforced? Do we have parent police then? Do we stop new parents at the hospital doors and ask....let me see your license before you can take your child home? Do we deny patient care for pregnant women who cant prove they have the proper paper work?
Then we also have to ask...HOW DO WE MONITOR SEXUAL ACTIVITY? Because bottom line..that's what we are talking about here. We have to have a way to keep people from reproducing before they are able to be licensed to do so. Is that really the way we want this to go?
It was said that children are treated as property.....No children aren't property. But to consider giving ANYONE but the parent the right to determine what is or isn't best for their child isn't a good idea either. Government isn't the answer for every ill we suffer in society.....We shouldn't be making more laws or rules we dont have the means to enforce.
It all comes down to a question of adult responsibility doesn't it? For those parents who cant be bothered to pay attention to where your kids are or what they are doing.....who think its better to be your kids pal, or party buddy....... Put down the beer in your hand get off your lazy butts and realize that you are the one who is supposed to be setting the example for your kids. Its time to raise the bar instead of sitting in one, its time to start being adults....to stop being the big spoiled, irresponsible, self centered children in adults clothing.
Grow the hell up, your kids actually need you.
The suggestion was made that maybe we need to require someone to have a license to be able to become a parent? We are required to have licenses for a great many other things in life. Things like driving a car, getting married, practicing medicine, selling alcohol, carrying a gun....even cutting hair or owning a pet requires a license.
So when it comes to something as important as raising a child into a healthy adult should we need a license for that too?
I SAY NO!
I will be the first to say that stories like the one above, where parents are clearly not parenting. They make me angry, beyond angry. I think if you want to screw up your life as an adult. SO be it..go for it. You wont be alone, there will be plenty of other losers out there in the world who are also tossing their lives away just like you are to keep you company. At least until you are useless to them....because people like that are usually only there as long as the party lasts...after that they are vapor.
But when there is a kid involved. Then, its no longer OK. It doesn't matter what you want. It only matters whats best for your child. END OF STORY.
But does this mean that a license to be a parent is the answer?
NO, I don't think it is.
First of all, its not the job of the government to guide us as parents nor should they dictate to us whether we can become parents. And if we do give them that sort of control, then what? Do they then also tell us what type of discipline we can administer as parents? Do they get to tell us what programs our children can view, what movies and music, what time they have to be in bed at night, what type of foods they can or cant eat? OK maybe that sounds a bit extreme. But the point its its not a governments job to raise our kids. Its OUR job and we need to start taking it more seriously.
Lets go one step further.....who is going to make sure this license system is enforced? Do we have parent police then? Do we stop new parents at the hospital doors and ask....let me see your license before you can take your child home? Do we deny patient care for pregnant women who cant prove they have the proper paper work?
Then we also have to ask...HOW DO WE MONITOR SEXUAL ACTIVITY? Because bottom line..that's what we are talking about here. We have to have a way to keep people from reproducing before they are able to be licensed to do so. Is that really the way we want this to go?
It was said that children are treated as property.....No children aren't property. But to consider giving ANYONE but the parent the right to determine what is or isn't best for their child isn't a good idea either. Government isn't the answer for every ill we suffer in society.....We shouldn't be making more laws or rules we dont have the means to enforce.
It all comes down to a question of adult responsibility doesn't it? For those parents who cant be bothered to pay attention to where your kids are or what they are doing.....who think its better to be your kids pal, or party buddy....... Put down the beer in your hand get off your lazy butts and realize that you are the one who is supposed to be setting the example for your kids. Its time to raise the bar instead of sitting in one, its time to start being adults....to stop being the big spoiled, irresponsible, self centered children in adults clothing.
Grow the hell up, your kids actually need you.
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