Thursday, December 22, 2005

Falling From Grace

I recently fell from grace ...So if you heard that thud out there in cyber space...Don't be alarmed it was just me falling on my ass. It wasn't a simple fall either it was one of those kind that you hit hard with out being able to catch yourself or slow down the fall....When I fell...I took someone I cared for very deeply down with me in the process. This isn't something I am proud of. I'm not proud of myself for my behavior and I'm not proud of what my actions did to him. If you can feel ashamed of yourself more than I do or did...I find it hard to believe.

This past year I feel like I have done a lot of soul searching and asked myself a lot of difficult questions..About things that I would never want to have admit aloud. I guess everyone does this from time to time..Has their own private attitude adjustment.

There seems to be one thing that holds true with everyone..You can paint whatever kind of picture of yourself you want to show the outside world..... But deep down inside our core selves...We can not lie...And we know who and what we are.

I have had to admit to myself and to him to having some pretty big flaws in my character..Something I'm not happy about nor proud of. I had thought at one point that I was over a lot of this sort of thing and that I had grown past it..But when put to the test..I failed it.

I still love the person I pulled down with me...In my eyes he still is amazing and incredible. He just looks more human to me than he did before. Unfortunately Its not as easy to forgive myself.

I sometimes wonder how long it takes us before we can put the past behind us once and for all..What exactly do we have to do to finally rid ourselves of fears or old hurts that keep us from moving forward and repeating old mistakes?

I am approaching this New Year with more questions than I had before..And wondering how do I go about finding answers to them all.

Special Note: To all of you who have become friends as well as fellow bloggers and to those of you just passing through. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year. Thank you for stopping by and reading.