Thursday, June 29, 2006

The One Year Anniversary

Its now approaching the first anniversary of my blog. It doesn't seem like its been a whole year of subjecting everyone to my very opinionated views of the world and life in general. But the calendar doesn't lie.

It was a year ago that I met the person who introduced me to the blog world. Before that I had no idea what a blog was let alone have a desire to write my own. But as it turns out I really enjoy blogging. The Deep End Of The Pool has really become a part of me.

My first blog post "Chivalry isn't Dead: Its just an Endangered Species" was inspired by the guy who got me into blogging. Since then I am very pleased to be able to say that not only do these good men still exist..But I have been priveledged enough to meet a few others who I feel fall into the "chivalrous" category.

Even though there are other chivalrous men out there. The first one will always hold a special place in my heart and in my life. So to him I say "Ek varlang na jou and lief vir jou".

To all of you who stop by to read this blog...Thank you for your comments, for letting me hear your thoughts and opinions, and letting me see a little of your world through the eyes of your blogs. I've loved being here.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Day Dreams Of The Future

I have been thinking about what kind of life I want. I'm starting to realize that when I daydream about it...I'm not thinking in terms of what kind of a job Ill have or how much money I will be making. Yes I guess those things are important. After all it helps if you don't hate going to work each and every day. And not struggling to pay the bills and feed the bulldog would be a plus too.

(For those of you who don't get southern speak..I don't really want a bulldog. Its just an expression. *grin*)

But when I do sit back and think about it. I would like a house. In the country or in the burbs I don't really care..As long as its a quite neighborhood with trees. One of those places kids can still ride their bikes. If they still exist.

The house doesn't have to be big...Just big enough for myself and the man of my dreams. And maybe eventually down the road a kid or two or three. Whatever we are blessed with will be ok with me.

It will have lots of windows...The kind that go almost to the floor. The kind that make the house sunny on good days...And on days when the weather is right..I can open the windows and let the curtains blow in the breeze. I can hear the night sounds...I can hear the kids out in the yard laughing as they play hide and seek in the shadows at dusk. Or I can watch the firefly's when they come out in the summer time.

It will have a huge wrap around porch with a swing on it some place. It will have a humming bird feeder hanging by the window so I can watch the birds come to drink. And plenty of hooks that I can hang big pots of flowers on in the spring. Maybe even some big french doors that come off of the bedroom or the kitchen so I can walk outside in the cool of the morning and drink my coffee. Or sit outside and watch the sun set.

It wont be filled with expensive things...Just comfortable things that feel like home. It will have finger painted pictures on the frig. A big kitchen with herbs growing on the window sill...And a huge table where the kids can make cookies...Getting flour and cookie dough everywhere...Much to their fathers dismay I'm sure.

There will be one big dog and one small one...Who will play with the kids and beg for warm cookies at the door. Leaving doggy nose prints on the glass. There will be homework at the table in the evenings while dinner is being cooked...And everyone piled up on the bed at night for stories.

I will go to softball or baseball games...Dance recitals and field trips. I will be there when they get home from school and enjoy raising them with the man of my dreams.

The man of my dreams is kind and intelligent. He treats me with respect and makes me feel loved and beautiful. He makes me laugh and melts my heart. He will be my biggest fan and he will be my hero. I will be his support system and his cheerleader when he needs it. I will be his sounding board when he needs to talk. I will lift him up so that he feels there is nothing in this world he cant do. And in turn he does the same for me. He is my bestfriend. The person I can tell all my deepest secrets to, all my fears and all my joys. He knows my strengths and all my weaknesses and loves me despite of them all. He makes me feel lucky to have this life , to share it with him. And I will treasure it as more priceless than anything else I could possibly imagine.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Fate or Freewill

Ok, maybe I'm over thinking again.....Yes I know its a problem. Cut me some slack alright. I'm just trying to figure life out one puzzle piece at a time. *smile*

Some believe in destiny or fate. They believe that our lives are preordained. That the story of our lives is already written, the path we travel is already mapped out.

I personally don't believe in destiny. I believe we are given free will. I believe each choice we make on a daily basis alters the course of our life. Even those choices we don't even notice as choices because they are so small and insignificant alter our path in some way.

Think about it. The simplest choice we make can cause a chain reaction that would literally change the course of our lives and in doing so change us forever. But only if we let it. For example, meeting someone. We meet how many people over a the span of a life time? Granted most are only causal meetings at best. Maybe a brief "excuse me" if we bump into someone. Maybe a small conversation while waiting in line. Or even a comment left on someone's blog. Then we move on with our day and our lives and the meeting becomes nothing more than an afterthought.

Unless we make the choice to make it more. Think of the thousands of decisions we make each and every day. Only a small fraction of those choices could be what we may think of as a major change or important to us at the time. But each person we meet. Each road we travel. Each corner we turn is in some way is affecting what happens to us next. And in turn maybe our futures.

If we decide that our lives are predestined to play out a certain way. We are to be married to a certain person..Live a certain life or have a certain job. They what is the point of trying? If this life is already mapped out for us. If all the huge choices have already been decided and set into some cosmic stone....Then why stress out about any of it? Why worry if we accomplish anything in our lives? If the choices are made then no matter what we do the outcome is still the same.

When that random opportunity arises...And that special thing just falls into our laps..That special person that we felt was a one in a million chance of meeting..That dream job...That once in a life time thing...That is not destiny speaking to us...That is not fate that steps in and pulls strings. That is just us taking advantage of situations as they arise...Making choices that steer us to one outcome or another. Sometimes these choices benefit us...And sometimes they have a negative affect on us. But either way its still us..Making a choice and then living with the consequences of that choice for good or bad.

Why am I thinking about this? I suppose its because I am at the beginning of my road. I am thinking about the choices that I have made to get me to this point. I am thinking about all the "what ifs". And maybe wondering what choices I might make today that might change my life tomorrow.

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Road To Hell

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I now understand what this means. I unintentionally hurt a friend. I did this by trying to be his friend and in doing so, getting a little too close and involved in parts of his private life that were really none of my business.

I didn't start out to do this. I am too opinionated and I have a very bad habit of voicing those opinions. And while the two cents that I threw into his path seemed to help him for a short time. He seemed to get some renewed strength from the fact he realized his thinking wasn't off base. That it was normal and even human to have all those thoughts and emotions he was feeling. It was still wrong for me to behave as though I had all the answers.

I don't and wont ever regret getting to know him and be a small part of his life. Because he was and is a good and decent person. And anytime you have the privileged of getting to meet someone like that its never a bad thing. My mistake was not letting a very sensitive and private matter stay just that.....Private.

I figured out to late that just because we are given the details to someone's personal life, doesn't mean we have a license to comment on it. Its far to easy to sit on the sidelines being an armchair quarterback. Telling them what play you would make if it were you. Because in truth its not you. You don't have the same things at stake. You don't have the same things to loose as they do. When its not your life its too easy to comment without having to worry about the consequences of your views. Its not quite the same for the person who's having to live it.

Its easy to do the wrong thing and then try and justify yourself by saying you are doing it for the right reasons. Because unintentional or not..The end result is still the same and the damage is done. So to my friend for over stepping my bounds with our friendship...Rocketman, I know that saying I'm sorry doesn't seem like very much. They are just words. But I am and I mean that sincerely.

Always your friend,

Friday, June 16, 2006

Gummy Worms, Sunglasses and Satan's Spawn

I never shopped at the Dollar Store much before. Because before I was usually spending my Moms money.....So the truth is the cost of things really didn't mean that much to me. However now that I have a job and have to use my own cash to make my small purchases...Its truly amazing how thrifty I have become.

Well today I'm in the dollar store picking up the few odd items. Just for those of you who have never had the pleasure of shopping at a Dollar Store.....Let me tell you, its a veritable treasure trove of useless junk, all of which you will think you have to have. All at the bargain price of......You guessed, it a dollar!

Today though I have my arms full of things I really didn't need....Like that extra pair of flip flops that just caught my eye.....Those cheap sunglasses that you need for each and every summer.....The shampoo with that fruity smell I like....A couple of black cherry candles.....A picture frame and one package of gummy worms. The last one was an impulse item at the check out counter.

Anyway I'm standing there with my arms loaded down. I should have gotten one of those little baskets to put my stuff in, I know.....But I was only coming in there to get an air freshener for my car, so I didn't think I needed one. Which if you will notice wasn't on the above mentioned list of items I walked out of the store with.

So, I was standing behind a woman with a small child in a buggy. This child was approximately 4 years old. And obviously not very well behaved, because from the moment I entered the store I was aware of his presence by his tantrum like screams and his mother yelling at him.

Normally I would have just ignored the little dirt eater and gone on with my day. But this is where he got me. As I stood there patiently waiting for my turn at the cash register, I hear the for mentioned tot...Refer to me as A..... "Doody Head". I being the adult in this situation...Just ignored the child's comment and pretended as though I hadn't even heard him. Something his mother also seemed to be doing. But then, it happened again..."Dooooody Head".

OK now the little midget was starting to annoy me. But I was still perfectly willing to ignore him...Until he pulled out a weapon. He was caring a semi automatic squirt gun...Loaded. He takes aim....Grins at me really big.....I give him one of those you better not if you know what's good for you looks...He just grins again..And says "Doody Head" and opens fire on the front of my T-shirt.

Now at this point...I've got a large wet spot on the front of me..And I've been called a Doody Head at least 3 times. I'm thinking its time to take the little monster down. He was less than 3 feet tall. So I seriously considered taking that gun away from him and turning it back on him and giving him a taste of his own medicine. But he was with his mother...Hmmm.... I sized her up too..She looked like she was a malnourished 98 pounds...And I noticed the two packs of cigarettes in her purse...She wasn't in great shape...Possibly a chain smoker...I believe I probably could have taken her down too along with the kid.

During this entire time..She pretended not to notice that her kid was calling me out...Or that he fired upon me without provocation. I was this close to giving in and starting one of those small town Jerry Springer moments right there in the check out line of the local Dollar Store...When the kids mom finishes her transaction and grabs her buggy and pushes it and the little spawn of satan out the door.

Then I started thinking. If that had been my mom...And I had the poor judgment to use the words Doody Head in her presence let alone direct it at a grown up...She would have torn me up. She wouldn't have waited until we got out to the car to inflict punishment on me..She would have snatched my butt out of that buggy and torn it up right then and there...Then dared anyone in the store to call those child abuse people because she had just disciplined her child. She probably would have continued the discipline by washing the ever loving taste out of my mouth when she got me home too.

I thought the phrase "shut up" was swearing up until I got older..And even now..I still don't say those words. My mom had a thing about manners..You said please and thank you..Yes Mam, No Mam...And you never and I mean never called someone names like Doody Head.

Now I will say this..As a child I didn't get many spankings. Not because I didn't misbehave..But because usually all my mom had to do was give me that look and I knew one more step and my life wasn't going to be a happy one. She had this quiet sound to her voice...That one that you knew was meant only for you to hear..And that you knew if you heard it..Things were going to get ugly.

I would like to think as a child I just had enough common sense to know better and avoid these incidents. But truly I just knew not to mess with my mom. If she said NO...You can pretty much take it to the bank that's exactly what she meant. And she wasn't going to change her mind.

Now if your thinking that I was scared of my mom...Heck yes I was! But I guess a little healthy intimidation is just good parenting. Whatever she did it must have worked. You don't hear me using the words Doody Head do you?

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Perfect Imperfections

I think most of us have imperfections. Its what makes us all human. I myself will be the first one to tell you that I am riddled with them. I am the veritable Swiss Cheese of imperfections. These imperfections or flaws in my personality, my body and my nature are what make me unique and an individual.

They are also the things that probably have driven my parents to drink. And some of my friends to the brink. But love me or hate me....What you see is pretty much what you get.

I am probably my own worst critic for a reason. I have thought about it and I suppose I do expect perfection from myself. A goal that I know is impossible to achieve. But still, I cant help feel the need to go for it anyway.

I am completely opinionated. I love to think about things..I puzzle them out and turn them over..I have to take ideas all apart and see what makes them tick. I think about it all and then the logic comes to me..The reason in a situation..The purpose for the being of it all.

Now granted..This is my own personal logic and not always one shared by the masses. All of whom I do inflict my opinions on quite frequently. But still, if you know me at all..Its just something you expect. If you like me..Its something you live with..And if you love me..Those thoughts and opinions are actually something you love to hate.

The other day..A good friend of mine had the audacity to refer to me as a "Drama Queen". Now I cut the boy some slack, because he obviously had no idea what kind of hole he had just dug for himself by saying these words. TOO ME! Me of all people..Can you believe that? I know I was shocked too.

But if the truth be told...And this is between you and me. I suppose if I try and be objective....I can sort of see how he would think that about me from time to time. Ok yea I can try and see both sides of the coin. I think in images..I speak in descriptions of the pictures I visualize...I write the same way..So if I'm happy I describe the reason for happy...If I'm sad..Well you get the idea.

Oddly enough though sometimes these descriptions depending on how upset I happen to be at the time..Can be very what I would even call dramatic. So ok..That sort of makes me a some what of a drama queen.

I suppose it wouldn't have bothered me so much except I really dislike those who inflict drama. It bugs me that some will stir that sort of thing up just to get noticed. I personally enjoy being in the background..Watching..Listening. I think you learn more that way.

Is it wrong to be opinionated? Is it wrong to want to blend into the background to watch and listen? Is it wrong to sometimes be a drama queen because you get passionate about certain things? I don't know.

Maybe, maybe not....But either way love me or hate me..What you see is what you get.