Saturday, August 23, 2008

Dating, Sex and Singleness

I have no reason to complain...and this isn't really a complaint....more just thoughts written down.

Here I am almost 22. After a little struggle and much procrastination, Ive figured out a plan for my life. Well maybe not my entire life, but at least this part of it.

This year Ive moved from the parents house to a place of my own in a new city. Ive begun a new job...(one only meant to pay the bills and put a little cash in my pockets while in school) and was promoted soon after I began. Which while the job itself and the promotion isn't a huge will put a few more dollars in my weekly paychecks and that's always a good thing. I began going to a new University. I'm still in the early stages of my chosen program, but so far I'm making straight A's. Ive gotten a new puppy a few months ago...who at this moment is completely house broken and as it turns out is pretty smart. Everyone who meets him seems to fall in love with him, and that's sort of cool. Ive got some really great roommates we get along very well...and a small circle of close friends near and far that I'm grateful for. The parents have backed off a great deal, letting me stand on my own...but still remain supportive. That all in itself is a nice change.

So all in all...I'm moving in what could be considered a positive forward motion right? So why do I still feel so restless?

Ive never felt the need to follow the crowd, not being one of those type people who have to do it because everyone of my friends are doing it. But I have to admit when I look around and see people all around me in serious relationships, it makes me feel a little envious.

Ive never had a problem being single. Ive always been OK with being on my own and never felt the need to have to be dating someone continuously. Ive never felt the need to have an escort each time I go out. And its not even that I'm in envy of a certain situation or individual couple. I guess its just that, I am reminded of what it felt like to have someone significant in my life. To have that feeling of closeness and connection with another person. I think that's what I'm missing.

But since I'm not dating and haven't been for well over a year or doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where I'm going wrong does it? Girl wants someone in her life, so girl needs to date in order to find that someone who fits that life. Seems so simple and its generally how its done I'm told. The thing is I don't feel like the situations or people out there make me feel like I want to take that step.

A long distance friend of mine and I were talking and he made the statement that he couldn't understand why I wasn't being pursued or asked out. He asked if there was something wrong with American guys? No...there isn't I guess...I suppose they are probably like guys anywhere. And I told him that it wasn't a case of not being was more one of me not accepting those invitations. So the fact that I am in this situation at all is of my own making. I know this...and again I'm not complaining.

But I do wonder if maybe I'm just backwards in my thinking. Maybe its not my situation, but my expectations of what I want that are off base. I used to think that if I were patient and waited, it would just happen on its own. But now I'm honestly not so sure. What if I'm wrong?

Ive always believed you cant go out and replace someone you were in love with. It doesn't work that way. You cant fill a void left by one person by trying to recreate that feeling with another. (or at least I cant) And a lot of times it feels as though people want to hurry to quickly into making a serious relationship out of an early infatuation. They barely know someone before they are professing their love and talking of a future. How can you say the words "I love you" to someone you barely know? Most of the time you haven't had enough time to find out if you can even like them long term let alone love them. Isn't love something you discover about them as time goes on and you see who they are?

Not to mention, Do I really want a guy who tells each and every girl he dates hes in love with her? How then can I be sure that if and when he says it to me it is different or that I am different to him than all the others that came before me? And if you say those words to everyone you date doesn't it lessen their importance and significance? It seems as if it would almost desensitise the real value of what that all is supposed to mean.

Then there is sex. Not something I'm opposed to. But not something I feel I want to do with each guy I go on a date with either. Although that does seem to be the way its done now. Its seen as just sex, and isn't supposed to be more or mean more than that....The thing is....if I don't care enough about you to be able to say I love you to you, then how can I share the rest of myself with you? Maybe it boils down to not thinking it out that far"? Maybe I'm not supposed to be thinking of what the consequences or where it goes after...just of enjoying the moment? Is it all just live and let live?

And I have to wonder....if I abandon my previous thinking...and I just follow the new tide...will I really find what it is I really want. Which is something real, that feeling...that connection that one person who knows me inside and out.

One day several months ago the same friend who had asked me about dating and I were having one of those really great talks about anything and everything...And out of the blue he gave me a really great compliment....He said "You know Jen, you really are an exceptional girl, really very genuine". Knowing him, I'm sure he didn't mean anything significant by saying was just a simple observation during the course of one conversation. But to me it meant a lot. Because in a world where it sometimes feels more important as to what I am...he maybe every so briefly saw who I am.

And who knows....if he could see something....maybe someone else will take the time to as well.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

License To Procreate

I posted last about a 47 year old father who thought it would be a good idea to provide his 15 year old son with some heavy duty prescription drugs, because he felt he needed to teach his son how to "party right" His son later died of accidental overdose.

The suggestion was made that maybe we need to require someone to have a license to be able to become a parent? We are required to have licenses for a great many other things in life. Things like driving a car, getting married, practicing medicine, selling alcohol, carrying a gun....even cutting hair or owning a pet requires a license.

So when it comes to something as important as raising a child into a healthy adult should we need a license for that too?


I will be the first to say that stories like the one above, where parents are clearly not parenting. They make me angry, beyond angry. I think if you want to screw up your life as an adult. SO be it..go for it. You wont be alone, there will be plenty of other losers out there in the world who are also tossing their lives away just like you are to keep you company. At least until you are useless to them....because people like that are usually only there as long as the party lasts...after that they are vapor.

But when there is a kid involved. Then, its no longer OK. It doesn't matter what you want. It only matters whats best for your child. END OF STORY.

But does this mean that a license to be a parent is the answer?

NO, I don't think it is.

First of all, its not the job of the government to guide us as parents nor should they dictate to us whether we can become parents. And if we do give them that sort of control, then what? Do they then also tell us what type of discipline we can administer as parents? Do they get to tell us what programs our children can view, what movies and music, what time they have to be in bed at night, what type of foods they can or cant eat? OK maybe that sounds a bit extreme. But the point its its not a governments job to raise our kids. Its OUR job and we need to start taking it more seriously.

Lets go one step further.....who is going to make sure this license system is enforced? Do we have parent police then? Do we stop new parents at the hospital doors and ask....let me see your license before you can take your child home? Do we deny patient care for pregnant women who cant prove they have the proper paper work?

Then we also have to ask...HOW DO WE MONITOR SEXUAL ACTIVITY? Because bottom line..that's what we are talking about here. We have to have a way to keep people from reproducing before they are able to be licensed to do so. Is that really the way we want this to go?

It was said that children are treated as property.....No children aren't property. But to consider giving ANYONE but the parent the right to determine what is or isn't best for their child isn't a good idea either. Government isn't the answer for every ill we suffer in society.....We shouldn't be making more laws or rules we dont have the means to enforce.

It all comes down to a question of adult responsibility doesn't it? For those parents who cant be bothered to pay attention to where your kids are or what they are doing.....who think its better to be your kids pal, or party buddy....... Put down the beer in your hand get off your lazy butts and realize that you are the one who is supposed to be setting the example for your kids. Its time to raise the bar instead of sitting in one, its time to start being stop being the big spoiled, irresponsible, self centered children in adults clothing.

Grow the hell up, your kids actually need you.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Better to be Raised by Wolves

I honestly believe some people would have been better off being raised by wolves. This is a good example of such a situation.

A 47 year old father and I use the term "father" loosely...since it only applies to the mans biology and not his parenting skills....A 47 year old father gave his 15 year old son some powerful prescription drugs because he wanted to show the boy how to "party right".

This genius who was arrested on Friday is now being charged with third degree murder in the death of his son who died of an accidental overdose in June. According to witnesses the "father" had showed his son how to crush up and snort pills like oxycodone and the heroin substitute methadone.

What an incredible father-son bonding moment that must have been. How proud he must be knowing he was able to show his 15 year old son how to party like a rock star right before he died.

The father who had originally told police he kept those medications locked up so no one could get to them was caught on tape later telling another story to his sons friends....where he said he admittedly gave the drugs to his son to teach him how to party.

I realize that there are certain criteria that they follow to determine the degree of murder a person is charged with....But I say this guy is being cut to much slack. I think third degree murder is too good for him. IN FACT....this is one of those situations I say we forgo the trial formality completely and just strap him in a chair and throw the switch. In fact in this particular case Id volunteer to do it.

Maybe that might sound harsh to some...But this is the way I see it. You come into this world not of your own making. Your PARENTS choices are what bring you into being. At the moment of birth you are still given no choices of your own...You are still completely dependant on your parents for your care and your total survival. It is they you count on for food, shelter and protection from the outside world. But when a parent betrays that by abusing the child, verbally, sexually, physically or morally...then at that point the parent is no better than the monsters that they are supposed to be keeping at bay.

I realize that some people might have had less than idyllic childhoods....BUT there does come a point in time where you have to become an adult, making adult choices and no longer blame your parents poor choices for the person you have chosen to be......However at 15 you still don't yet have all the skills it takes to make those choices.

This man doesn't deserve mercy. I have none for him. And if there is a hell I hope he rots in it.