My friend came to me with a problem. Normally Id be able to give her an opinion...I am usually loaded with those. Dr Jen is always on duty. But this time..I don't know what to say. That all by itself bothers me. Not just because I cant help a friend who's asked...but because I don't have a clear answer.
Sam..is trying to decided if she can trust the man she loves. He's away at school right now. Not to far away only a few hours by car...but far enough. It seems that her guy has developed this friendship with a girl there at school. This by itself isn't unusual. Matt is a very friendly easy going kind of guy. He makes friends easily and has always had equal female and male friendships.
Matt has told Sam about the girl...and explained that they just have things in common and like hanging out..She also has a lot of classes in the same areas on campus there for it puts them in the same place at the same time quite often. It should be said that Matts not a liar. He's never been a cheat. He's the kind of guy whose word means something. Having said that...though..I cant ignore Sam's fears over this..because even though the evidence is circumstantial...it all points in the wrong direction.
The girl in question..is very friendly...and calls or texts frequently. She stops by Matts apartment to hang out with him and his roommate. They all share mutual friends. She buys and gives him gifts out of kindness. She does small little tasks for him..choirs as a favor.
Ok I understand where Sam is getting worried about this girl...Here where I come from we have a name for girls like that. They are called GIRL FRIENDS. But even so I am reluctant to condemn Matt on this purely circumstantial evidence alone. Although...the last thing in this puzzle bothers me alittle more......Matt had given Sam access to his passwords...They had traded those a long time ago..He had hers..she his. Until Matt changed his..with no explanation..and no warning. He only did it to one of his accounts...One he hardly ever used. Sam thinks its because Matts emails and conversations with this girl took place on this Messenger and this account and he didn't want Sam seeing it.
Maybe so....I do see Sams point and why she's worried. Matt is a good guy but he's human..and humans screw up. That whole thing about absence making the heart grow fonder...doesn't really play out long term in most cases. So Sam worrying about Matt finding someone nice to spend his time with isn't so far fetched.
I just don't know what to tell her. Normally Id say open your eyes. Look at all the red flags! You may not have any real proof...but it has feathers...webbed feet..likes the water...and quacks...It looks like we have a duck here.
Yet still...I have been dropped on my butt way to many times by the people I choose to give my trust to. Sometimes when that happens to you often enough it tends to leave a mark. A mark that no amount of optimism or looking for that silver lining can quite erase. So right now I don't know if I can trust my judgment or my instincts.
I realize let downs are a part of life.....I know I am not unique to this problem my friend Sam is proof of that. Its just that I have always told myself that I wouldn't let the bad behavior of other people change me. If they screw me over..I'm not going to let that change who I am or how I conduct myself and my life.
The thing I've started to see though, is that when those changes happen, it's not like being hit by lightening. The changes aren't immediate or automatic. Its something more like the tide eroding a beach. Its the small grains of sand that get washed away from you each day....slowly...little by little. Until one day you just realize you are afraid of it happening again. You are wary and a little mistrustful of the next person who comes into your life.
So what's the answer? Do you just sleep with a nightlight on for the rest of your life so that no monsters can ever climb into your closet again? If so......how exhausting is that going to be, trying to shine a light on every corner of a new relationship trying to make sure nothing is being hidden from you in the shadows? You would have to examine and analyze each thing making sure you're blind heart isn't missing any of those all too important red flags you should be seeing.
Or do you just blindly.....hold your nose and jump into the deep water? Not knowing what's under you..or if you will be able swim, and then just hope for the best. Hmmmm, seems like that sort of thinking is what got me knocked on my butt to begin with.
So tell me, do I tell Sam to go on her hearts blind faith, ignoring the shadows in the room and just try and believe that there are no more monsters? I want to. Id like to. Not just for her sake but for myself too.
This time, I dont think I can offer advise to my friend. Because inside I just know that if I'm wrong again.....This time its going to leave a really big mark.
14 comments:
You think the same way I do. And she has sort of done this already. And he did react in exactly that way.
So maybe thats her answer.
I think deep down..she already knew all this. And so did I.
*sad smile*
She should be very afraid, and you better be ready to help pick up the pieces.
This isn't to say that Matt's lying at all. Right now it could totally be on the up-and-up, but I've been through this, seen it, experienced it from both sides.
It's trouble brewing. Have the tissues ready & hope for the best.
Your tattoo comment at Jenn's cracked me up so I had to pop in.
Good luck on getting your opinion mojo back.
Thanks Rat
Its good advise and good to hear a guys point of view.
So what do you think she (Jenn) got this time?
Hulabelly....Great advice. Unless they are engaged to marry your friend is on the losing side. She needs to open up her future and even out "the relationship" a bit.
As he is not immediately available they should both be free to date other ppl. Sorry, I'm 57 years old, do ppl still date?
If the relationship is strong and meant to be it will endure. They are both young and need to grow. Why limit oneself. The guilt. The pain. Why? Too serious.
Turn the table, tell him YOU are the one who needs freedom.....then see what he sez. THEN his reaction will tell you lots.
Sorry, he is at school. Busy and occupied. Prolly doesnt think alot about someone not in close proximity.
Ahhh yes, I remember, it is soooo exciting to be young. Don't waste yer time tho investing in what is not to possibly be.
Love is a balance. Something tells me the scale is a bit off on this one. Call it "old lady intuition"
Free yer mind, and yer heart will follow.
Maybe I'm just selfish- but I've had lots of guy friends and never bought gifts for them (except birthdays) or done little chores or anything for them. I think its probably an issue of the girl going after him and he's flattered and maybe a little attracted...which sucks for your friend because in that situation a few hours away is too much.
I also think if she's suspicious but is not normally the jealous type and normally trusts him, then that is a red flag. I think her instincts are telling her something but she's trying to be logical and fair. (If she's normally the jealous type regardless of how he acts then this doesn't work).
There are so many red flags on this one that I won't even begin to comment on them. However, there is the part where you say the guy doesn't lie, and who isn't the type to cheat, and who's word means something. Shouldn't that play a big part in this? I agree that this girl is trouble, but let me be the devil's advocate here--
they exchanged passwords, she's asking him about a girl that he spends time with, is concerned about it (he's a trustworthy guy, right?), and so he might feel like he's being nagged on. Now I have never cheated, and I am very honest, and this would drive me nuts. Sure, cheating happens. I've seen it happen to my friends. It sucks. But there is a point where saying you trust someone starts to look like just that, saying it. If she wants a snowballs chance in hell of making this work, she's going to have to show some trust. The more she makes of the problem, the greener the grass is going to look to him on the other side.
That said, I agree with rat and Mamabear. While I am a romantic, I am also a cynic, and I don't see this working out.
Mammabear
Thanks for the advise. But the truth is..she really loves him with all her heart. They have been together for a while and up until now..distance or insecurity has never been an issue for either of them.
Im not sure what the answers are here...But I sort of doubt shes ready to throw in the towel.
You just dont give up on the people you love. And if you do,then it wasnt real love was it?
Megan
Youre right...Shes never had a reason to ever feel any mistrust. While Im sure shes felt small pangs of jealousy before..thats sort of human to have happen isnt it? For the most part..hes always been the kind of person that made her feel really secure.
So I hope it was as you said..maybe hes just enjoying someone paying attention to him. I guess we all enjoy that..thats human too isnt it?
Drew
I realize it doesnt look good. But I dont want to condem or write Matt off. Id like to believe that there are still some honest decent people in this world who understand loyalty and being faithful and will do whats right no matter what the circumstances.
Maybe Im a dreamer or a romantic to feel like that..But Id rather be a dreamer getting dropped on my butt...than a cynic whos heart will never know how incredible that feeling is before the fall.
Besides Drew..You know Im all about a happy ending. *smile*
My guess would be she got a huge
I love Rat on her breasts.
Other than that I cannot think what else she could want.
There was a show on the radio on the commute home tonight on your topic & scores of people called in (all your general age) saying one after another that his or her "other" cheated once off at school in very similar developments as you described. Better have two boxes of tissues ready & a guy to hook her up with. I'll be responsible and not mention alcohol since you're still sweet and innocent and an alcohol virgin, I'm sure.
Rat
I know maybe it sounds nieve..But I really do believe its possible to be true to someone. That there are people out there who dont use distance, age, school or the fact its a Wenesday as an excuse to ditch their significant other.
I suppose that sort of thing doesnt happen very often in the real world. Sadly its a do unto others before they do unto you mentality out there.
But I still believe in being true to someone..and Im betting someone besides me out there does too.
Having said that..even good people screw up sometimes. It happens.
Screw ups, honesty, and trustworthiness aside, people change when they go away to college. HE is changing in one way and she at home is changing in another.
I don't expect their relationship[ to last. It may, but I wouldn't encourage the holding of breath.
That being said, if she wants him she HAS to trust him. Speaking as a male, that whole "I'm not accuseing you I 'm jsut asking you and want your feelings" thing is viewed as accusing. If you didn't think something was happening you wouldn't be asking.
oh... i would like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt... BUT there are some serious RED FLAGS!
I would get Matts take on the situation before jumping to conclusions...
PINKSandROSES
Yeah I agree it does look bad from the outside. And maybe it is exactly how it looks.
Maybe in this case the appearance of evil is far worse than the actual act. Because even if he is innocent of anything wrong..the way Sam is feeling so tortured and insecure right now is sadly unecessary.
It will probably have a ripple effect on the way then she behaves and responds toward Matt. Will Matt then feel that and will that affect how Matt feels and even how he sees her?? It could wind up changing everything between them and it could be all for nothing.
Adrian
Youre right she does need to talk to Matt. She has sort of tried to approach him on it. Its hard to ask him without making him feel as if shes accusing him. Because while in her heart she knows him and wants to believe him very badly. Her past mistakes are also making her have doubts shes being foolish about doing that.
Hopefully Matt will understand this and just speak plainly with her and talk to her. I have found that someone doing that goes a long way to push any fears or insecurity aside.
Shes not trying to doubt Matt, I believe she really truly loves him..but we all get jealous sometimes and feel insecure, dont we? Its human.
Having been in a similar situation to Sam's many years ago I know the relationship I had ended with us going our separate ways.
Sam should appreciate the fact that the relationship has this test now... and I know it hurts because it feels like it's failing, but hey it's better to find out now rather than after marriage.
If it ends up the in the same way mine did be rest assured that God has someone better for you.
(It's been awhile since this post so it'd be interesting to know what happened??)
Post a Comment