To Forgive And Forget: And the fear that follows...

You know how I hate getting up on the soap box and being preachy....

OK OK..Stop laughing....

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog for all of 5 seconds knows that Im up and down off of my soap box so often its become an aerobic work out. And as far as being preachy goes..Listen closely and you can probably hear the choir singing.

So I suppose its safe to say that I do have an opinion. About pretty much everything. And If I don't when first asked..You can rest assured.. That given enough time to think about it and puzzle the subject out, I will probably form one.

I know that I have made my share of mistakes. Im still making them. I would like to think I can learn from those mistakes and not repeat them. But if Im honest about it, there are certain choices I have made that seem to just keep coming back to me.

The people in my life that I have chosen to fall for are a good example. I think probably everyone has gone through a break up at least once in their lives. I suppose how you view that break up depends on whether you were the one dumped or the one doing the dumping. There are also the reasons behind the breakup, what caused it to happen.

I think there are a lot of minor offenses that can end a relationship. But probably the biggest worst one in my eyes is infidelity. I think that one not only hurts the person because they have been cheated on ..But it destroys something deep inside you. It causes you to doubt yourself. To think that maybe there is something wrong with you or inside you that made this person do this to you. Even if you know rationally you did nothing to cause it. It still leaves lasting scars in your heart and your head full of doubts.

I think holding on to bitterness and anger is unhealthy. But its hard sometimes after something like that not to start to think Ill never let someone make me feel or look foolish again. You become a little jaded and start to wonder if all men or women are evil at the core. If there is anyone that can be trusted again. At some point we have to decide to let it go. But how?

Its not that a person cant forgive the act. I think they can. But its more difficult to forget. Someplace always in the back of your mind you know that this person who you trusted with the deepest part of yourself betrayed that trust. And even if you could forget it..Should you? Isn't that how we learn..The mistakes we make. Is trusting someone who didn't deserve that trust a mistake? Or do we rationalize why they did it when we forgive them?

I have never been the one doing the breaking up..I have always been the one getting dumped. Which is sad to have to admit..Because I have personally been cheated on numerous times. It would be nice to say I was too smart to let something like that happen to me. But Im human and I guess sometimes its hard to walk away from someone you really care deeply for even if you know on some level they are wrong for you.

One of the things I always preach to my friends about is that everything in life is a choice. The only things we can control for sure is ourselves. If we decide to stay with someone knowing they are wrong for us. Then that's our choice. If they are the type to cheat. Then they are. There is nothing you can do to make them remain faithful or into the person you want them to be. And something that I have learned the hard way is that you cant or shouldn't fool yourself into thinking that you will be the one to make them want to change. That with you it will be different. Because the odds are you wont.

If you decide to stay with them regardless of the facts. Then accept them the way they are. Accept that they will never be true to you. Accept that part of having this person in your life is the clear certainty that you will always be uncertain about everything they say and do. It doesn't mean because you choose them that you deserve to be treated badly. But if you make that choice and they do treat you badly. Don't complain about it. It was your choice. If you don't like it, and don't want to be treated that way then make another choice and don't be. Cut your loses and move on.

It wont be easy to walk. It never is. I think it becomes a question of love for yourself. Of knowing the kind of person and life you want for yourself and feel you deserve to have. If youre a caretaker type personality and not used to putting yourself first. Think of it this way. This person who is doing this to you isn't putting you first in their life...Don't you at least deserve that from the one person who should love you..YOURSELF.

After thinking about this a long long time. I suppose speaking for myself, its never been a question of forgiving. Because in my situation..Forgiveness wasn't called for. Its not a question of forgetting. Because I never can. Its just the type of person I am. But I think the worst part is the small fear. Not that this could happen to me again. I have already accepted that as a possibility. After the first 4 or 5 times it happens..That just becomes a given.

The part that scares me the most. The part that keeps me treading water instead of swimming forward, are the doubts I have about my own choices. What is wrong with my own internal radar that keeps steering me in the wrong direction? Because its not that I don't logically understand and know. Yet still.....

I have come to realize its not a lack of faith in others that stops me in my tracks, its a lack of faith in myself.