Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Thinking Out loud

I sometimes feel like life is flying by me at zero to sixty and I'm told that the older I get the more it will feel that way. I hope that if I do make it to a ripe old age I will be a lot smarter than I am right now. Logic says Id have to be, wouldn't you think?

Ive been feeling like this square peg of a person trying to fit into a round world. A girl who doesn't want causal sex. A girl who cant fall in love over night but needs a great deal of time to say those words to another person. A girl who wants to see the best in people and continue to believe in them even when they let her down. A girl who takes her time making friends, but those who stick around long enough to become close...she values above everything. .

I used to think these were good qualities...But I don't think many people view them as qualities any more. I think they see them more as weaknesses. A fact that I am constantly being reminded of lately.

I realize I cant worry about what others think. Being true to myself means living my life to my standards and my rules. But no one is an island.... You cant go through life with out interacting with others. And interaction means getting your heart broken at least once or having your faith or trust in others tested.

I am just weary of being tested all the time. I wish things could be straight forward. I wish you didn't have to read between imaginary lines. I wish you didn't always have to be on guard and wonder if someone had a hidden agenda. I wish I could believe in people the way I used to. I wish I could have that feeling I had when I first started coming here to the deep end of the pool. Because it made me feel hopeful like anything was possible. But unfortunately, wishing doesn't make it so and I'm just tired of getting knocked on my butt every time I do.

Ive been swimming in the deep end of the pool for almost three years now. It was a gift that was given to me by someone who was important in my life. And even though a lot has changed since the first time I came here......It still makes me feel better anytime I come here and I write. Even if all it is just me thinking out loud.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Worriers Rejoice

I heard on the news that scientists have discovered a "worry gene". Yes that's right they did an actual study and think they have determined that there could be a gene that may make you a worrier.

They also noted that there isn't any cure for this genetic issue...But that there are things you can do to help promote a more worry free life. (laughing)

I know there are some out there who find the discovery of this gene fascinating. But speaking as a person who is not only an accomplished over thinker, but has also on occasion excelled at worry...I didn't need a scientist to find this gene or to tell me of its existence. I also feel that the knowledge of its existence only gives the real worrier one more thing to worry about. My feelings on this were confirmed even further when I heard the suggestions they gave to help if you should happen to have this gene.

Here's what they suggest...If you find yourself prone to worry...You should do things to take your mind off of it....Yes that's right. That was their advise. Keep busy. Focus on other things to keep you from worry.

Well now geee why didn't I think of that? When you put it scientifically like that it seems so simple. I cant see why I didn't notice it before. Now armed with this helpful information that's one less thing I now have to worry about. So thank you.

I admit I'm curious though....I wonder who it was sitting around the lab one day that said "Hmmmm ...Lets see if we can get ungodly amounts of money and use it for research. We will find the existence of genetic traits that will provide no significant benefit to mankind...ok ya want to" ?

Id also like to know where you have to sign up for this job? Do you have to have some sort of special degree? Do you have to know someone...be someones cousins brother twice removed? I ask this not purely out of simple curiosity. I am after all in college now and its never to late to change my major.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I Promise

When you go to college its not just about the parties you get invited to or the possibility of better employment through higher education. Its also about being exposed to new ideas and new people. So being the compulsive over thinker I am I admit I'm sort of like a kid in a candy store. I'm now in a place where they not only want you to ponder other ideas and philosophies but they encourage it!

I'm not sure they realized what they were getting into when they opened up that door to me..but its too late now...I'm already thinking.

I enjoy the questions about morality and values the most. Because while you may think those issues would be clear cut, they aren't always. A lot of times the perspective or position a person is in when facing those issues determine their level of values or moral thinking. I think by examining these other points of view it has allowed me to look at my own set of values. I have recently had to think about what is my own word of honor worth.

For example....Lets say you give your word to a friend or a romantic interest. You promise to keep their secrets and confidences because at the moment when the promise is made you're very close to that person. At that moment in time, you cant imagine that relationship ever changing. But life isn't that simple...and the fact is..relationships end...people change and sometimes friends let you down. So you have to ask yourself...are the promises you made to this person solely based on the circumstances or the relationship you were in at the time you made them?...Or are they based on your values as an individual and your word of honor as a person?

I'm not going to try and judge this for anyone...I wont say there is an absolute right and wrong here. I can only say for myself I have to know that my word has meaning. It doesn't matter what the actions of others are. I have to be able to look at myself and know that I am honest and trustworthy. Because even if my word doesn't mean anything to anyone else. I want it to mean something to me.

Now before you start thinking I'm trying to sit myself on this noble higher plain. I have to be honest. I don't like being hurt or screwed over any more than the next guy, In fact I'm human and I suppose just like other humans I have my own share of screw you thoughts when it comes to individuals who have hurt me or let me down. But I guess when its all said and done...I have to remind myself that the way I behave or the actions I take reflect on the person I am. Not on the other individual. And its about who I want to be and how I want to feel about myself at the end of the day that counts.

I know that I have to make certain choices for myself. I don't want to be weighted down with hard feelings, bitter thoughts or self pity for things gone wrong. So for those of you who might be worried about the fact I know your secrets..and where the bodies are buried...figuratively speaking of course. Rest at ease. My promises are still good..and your secrets are still safe with me.