Friday, March 30, 2007

Sink Or Swim

When I was a kid I used to think becoming an adult would be the greatest thing in the world...Nobody telling you what to do..No bed times..You get to eat whatever you want..You can drive and go where you want whenever you want. You have money so you can buy whatever you want. Yeah it all sounded pretty appealing back then.

I also remember on the vast number of occasions that my mom was up on her soap box giving what seemed to be another of her infinite lectures and advise as to what I needed to be doing or about my responsibilities in this world...She used to cap it off by saying: "Enjoy this time while you can...because when you get to be an adult everything changes". Well honestly at the time, I would have given my right arm to be an adult just so I could make her stop lecturing me.

But guess what? Here I am at 20 years old...Old enough in some peoples eyes to be seen as an adult. So do you want to know what I have discovered? Being an adult is a BITCH!

Yes that's sucks. Maybe not all the time...but lets face it nothing sucks all the time. And those lectures I thought I wouldn't get any more once I hit this magical age. Well I still get them.....and do you know why? Because apparently there is this catch 22 that says once your someones kid you are someones kid for life. So they always worry about you and want whats best for you and give you their opinions about pretty much everything you do. So it doesn't matter how old you are...if they think you are screwing up they will tell you about it.

The thing is...lately I have been under the gun here at home. Because my family...(re: MOM) isn't happy with my choices, lack of ambition or motivation. This topic of discussion about my life and future has pretty much dominated my waking hours in my household for the past several weeks. While I will tell you very honestly that I have been hating life at my house...not at all to thrilled with my family to put it nicely....And right now I would rather take a beating than to admit this to my mom....she has a point.

I have been treading water. I have been procrastinating. Although this is not new behavior for me...I am a gifted procrastinator....I used to be their club president and if you look in the dictionary under procrastination I believe you will see my photo. I am the poster child for it.

Yet...I have to ask myself why am I doing this? I realize that I am..even if I don't choose to admit it to my critics at this moment. No one wants an I told you so. But I have had to think hard about why. The answer I came up with is fear. Fear of failing...fear of moving forward...fear of being disappointed or of rejection. Fear of a lot of things. But the bottom line choices...or should I say lack of choices has been based on fear. Not something I'm really proud to have to admit...or even say out loud.

I have also come to realize part of being the adult isn't always getting to do the things you want to do. I have observed two parents while growing up. One did pretty much whatever they wanted to do. If there was a choice to be made...they picked the thing that made them happy over pretty much all else. The other...rarely if ever picked the thing they wanted to do....They tried to do the responsible thing. They tried to put their priorities where they felt they needed to be whether that met their wants and needs or not.

Neither of these parents lived the dream...I dont see the parent who picked their desires over their obligations or priorites any happier than the one who sacraficed for theirs. However I do respect one more than the other and if I had to call one for help...I know with out a doubt which one it would be.

But is this all there is? Just obligations and responsibilities and prioritising life?

PS : To the person who's been there for me no matter what. I owe you an apology. I involved you into the drama that is my life of late...and then got offended because you spoke your mind.

I felt at the time that you were being unfair in what you said to me...selfish even. That you were knowingly going to make things worse by speaking out. And that you're loyalty should have been with me and making things easier for me.

But the truth is...maybe it was me who was the selfish one. I provided you with the information....I asked you the question point blank and then I got angry when you were not only just being you..but being honest as well. That was unfair and wrong. I suppose if I don't want to know the answers to my questions..then I need to not ask them.