Change

Anyone who's read this blog before or who knows me, knows I love poker. I love everything about it. I love sitting at a table with a few friends laughing and swapping a few lies. I love drinking an ice cold beer or some other beverage and munching on some salty snack food. I love sitting there looking like the young, blond, 5 feet 2 inches kid and innocently staring down all those big old guys and bluffing them out of their hard earned cash. YES I LOVE POKER.

I haven't played poker in a while or done a lot of the old things I used to enjoy. I have been letting things going on in my life take all my focus and keep me tied up in knots. To the point I think I had almost forgotten what it was like to be the old me. And you know what? I missed the old me. I missed her a lot!

This finally clicked once and for all in my brain when I had a long talk with a really good friend of mine. He is one of those kind of people that never cuts me any slack. He tells me exactly the way it is no matter if I want to hear it or not. Which is exactly what he did last night. Which is exactly what I needed to hear.

It was sort of weird. Because he didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know. But when I heard him saying it, I finally saw it the way it was. By stressing and obsessing the way I have been I was changing who I am. I also realized I didn't like the person that I became while doing that.

After that talk..I felt better for the first time in a while. I felt like I had a new perspective on things. I felt my confidence coming back to me. I felt like I should look forward to the things a head of me.

Later that night when I got the invitation to go out and play poker with a few friends, I went. It wasn't a big game...just five of us. I walked in the door and told them all up front I only had $3 dollars in my pocket. Yeah I know, $3 dollars doesnt sound like someone who's really prepared to play poker. To be honest I have been pretty broke lately too...which has also added to my poor frame of mind. But I figured Id play a few hands with my friends and then sit and socialize once the money was gone.

They were playing a quarters game of Texas Hold um. So even my three measly dollars didn't seem to phase them. They told me to pull up a chair and anti up. I admit...the first few hands I barely broke even. Then the next few, I didn't do well at all and lost everything I had, including the $3 dollars I had showed up with.

This however didn't get me out of the game. My friends decided they would spot me about $10 dollars of quarters so that I could continue to play on. I was having a good time and I figured I had a little money in my secret stash at home that I had been saving for something else. So I agreed.

By the end of the night, the pile of silver sitting in front of me was considerable. It was down to three of us. One of the guys feeling like luck was moving in his direction decides he wants to up the stakes. He increases the anti. When it comes around the table to me...I sat there with my patented undecided look on my face...."Gee I don't know...aah well OK...I guess Ill stay and see what the cards do".

The pot keeps growing...My friend who felt luck was going to be his friend is now getting excited. He thinks hes got this one all tied up. Hes going to clean the table of this pot and then call it a night.

When it finally comes down to the last cards...hes got two pair. Don't get me wrong it wasn't a bad hand....But the last time I checked...two pair doesn't beat a straight. Which is what I was holding.

I laid my straight down on the table in front of him....and watched his face as I pulled ALL that money to my side of the table. He said "Damn it Jennifer, I thought you didn't have anything". I just smiled and said "Yes I know". His brother in law who was sitting on the other side of me is now dying laughing. I'm just sitting there grinning.

By the end of the evening.. they let me cash in all my silver for paper money. After paying back the $10 I was spotted earlier in the evening and then subtracting the original $3 I showed up with. I was coming home with an extra $60 dollars of someone elses money in my pocket.

This morning I woke up feeling hopeful....like maybe things are going to change for me. I feel like I'm going to make them change by moving forward. No it wasn't the poker game that did it. But the game did remind me of the old me...I missed her. I'm glad shes coming back.