I recently fell from grace ...So if you heard that thud out there in cyber space...Don't be alarmed it was just me falling on my ass. It wasn't a simple fall either it was one of those kind that you hit hard with out being able to catch yourself or slow down the fall....When I fell...I took someone I cared for very deeply down with me in the process. This isn't something I am proud of. I'm not proud of myself for my behavior and I'm not proud of what my actions did to him. If you can feel ashamed of yourself more than I do or did...I find it hard to believe.
This past year I feel like I have done a lot of soul searching and asked myself a lot of difficult questions..About things that I would never want to have admit aloud. I guess everyone does this from time to time..Has their own private attitude adjustment.
There seems to be one thing that holds true with everyone..You can paint whatever kind of picture of yourself you want to show the outside world..... But deep down inside our core selves...We can not lie...And we know who and what we are.
I have had to admit to myself and to him to having some pretty big flaws in my character..Something I'm not happy about nor proud of. I had thought at one point that I was over a lot of this sort of thing and that I had grown past it..But when put to the test..I failed it.
I still love the person I pulled down with me...In my eyes he still is amazing and incredible. He just looks more human to me than he did before. Unfortunately Its not as easy to forgive myself.
I sometimes wonder how long it takes us before we can put the past behind us once and for all..What exactly do we have to do to finally rid ourselves of fears or old hurts that keep us from moving forward and repeating old mistakes?
I am approaching this New Year with more questions than I had before..And wondering how do I go about finding answers to them all.
Special Note: To all of you who have become friends as well as fellow bloggers and to those of you just passing through. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year. Thank you for stopping by and reading.
13 comments:
hulabelly
Yes I did...Its funny, But the thing I cant seem to forgive myself for..is the thing that the injured party wasnt bothered by. So why beat myself up over it? I dont know.. another question I dont have the answer to. I had a friend tell me recently it was because I expect to much from myself..That I want perfection and being human isnt perfect.
Merry Christmas to you to sweetie..I hope its the best one yet!
Life isn't perfect... if you don't make some mistakes, truth be told you aren't trying hard enough.
Forgive yourself, chalk it up to a learning experience, and learn from this... you'll be stronger on the other side.
Stopped in from Dizzy Ms. Lizzy's place.
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Jen,
From going through somithing similar, it gets better the more time away from day "x". Time may not heal all wounds, but it's certainly a good anticeptic.
We all have our own flaws. The people who understand us and love us knowing these flaws of ours are the people we need to hold on to.
Merry XMAS
Duncan
Oh, my sweet, Jen, please don't beat yourself up over it. We've all been there. And I know exactly what you're talking about. The beauty of it all is learning stuff about yourself and this other person, just as I'm 99% sure he learned some about himself and you.
I've done quite the amount of soul searching myself this year. Probably more than I've ever done, and if I really think about it, probably the first time that it's been done.
We all make mistakes and for whatever reason, you were supposed to make the mistake you did. You were both being tested and that's why forwhatever reason things happened the way they did. It seems to me that you've passed this test with flying colors. And you know what? There will be many more to come. Some of these will be multiple choice and others will seem as though they don't have an answer. But, because I truly believe that you are both strong willed and minded, I see these test being passed.
Unfortuneatly, me and mine were tested recently and failed miserably. Now that's something to think about. You two have passed the first test presented to you while others are out there failing theirs. So, it is not you who should be beating yourself up, but those who are failing.
Be proud that you got through it and moreso that you did it together.
*much love*
I know all aobut mistakes and screw ups. Don't let it keep you down.
Good luck and Happy New Year.
Jen...Was wondering about the lack of posts on your blog--even thought you'd vacated your house on blogosphere. Good you're back.
Difficulties teach us great things about life and our own mistakes are the biggest teachers--if we care to learn from them. What we may need to refrain from is to deride ourselves or fall into the quicksand of self-pity. They're sweet but serve no purpose.
Hope you get back to your earlier bubbly self and see the brighter picture of life. Merry christmas and a happy new year to you. Take care
Holy no posts, Batman!
I was all hoping for miles and miles of Jen writing to keep myself occupied for a while!
*sobbing*
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Lief vir jou!
How can we learn unless we make mistkes? If that's true I'm a genius! LOL
Don't kick yourself too hard. Some time between the "thud" will help heal it.
GNDTX
Still as perfect as ever in my eyes...
James Blunt is right, you ARE beautiful!!
JEN: Check out the comment on Stu Mans blog!! (You know you wanna)
Jen!!! COME BACK! Or I'm gonna have to get violent.
Please?
Hello Jen! time to get bak in the pool.......
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