I have never been a parent. So, I'm not sure I can completely understand all the complex emotions that happen when you become one. I know from watching my own parents that they seem to always love you, even at those times when they also seem to want to kill you. I guess maybe its a good thing my parents were given a certain amount of restraint along with their parenting skills..Because even though I was a relatively good kid..(I swear I was) There were still times I'm sure my Mom wanted to do bodily harm to me...Especially after the age of 14. If you have read anything at all about my Mom in previous posts..YOU know she owns a shovel. So I guess I'm lucky. NO...I know I am.
Last night around 3am I got a call from a friend. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was trying to hold back tears. And NO he wasn't drinking..He was completely sober. He obviously has something on his mind...But I'm thinking well..He will tell me when he's ready. So I keep it casual......"Do you know what time it is? Do you not own a watch"? That may have seemed insensitive....But my friends know me...And they know that no matter what the time, day or night that its ok to call. Its been that way forever.
My friend sort of laughs and says something like did I wake you up?...I tell him "YESSSS its 3am"! And then I ask...So what's up? He says not to much, his dad still hates him and he feels like a total screw up. He's afraid that he will never amount to anything in his life.
This person I'm talking to is just 20 years old. He does have a father who hates him. When he was younger he and some friends were fooling around with some air rifles...Which long story/ short resulting in him getting shot in the head. This injury causes a chemical imbalance which makes him bi-polar. He still struggles with this every day..Trying to get the medication regulated so he can function. The fall out from this accident causes a huge rift in the family unit.....His mom is supportive of him no matter what, regardless of the mood swings and problems...His dad...Isn't as understanding and patient. End result...Mom and Dad divorce. My friend blames himself for this. Apparently so does Dad. Sad thing is...Maybe its partly true.
Its times like this when I realize that my problems aren't all that bad. That while sometimes they feel huge to me. I at least know that my Mom is always there no matter what. Isn't that what a parent is supposed to do?...Isn't a parents love supposed to be unconditional. I know they don't always like us... Or have to love the things we choose to do. This is ok..But aren't they always suppose to love us? Even on those days when we are pretty much unloveable? Yes, there are some bad parents in this world. The news is full of them. I went to school with people who would have been better off being raised by wolves. But having parents who aren't there for you isn't you're fault is it?
The advise I gave my friend was simple. I told him that the only person in this world he had any control over was himself. No matter how much he wished it..There was nothing he could do about how his Dad felt or behaved. So he needed to tell himself..This is Dads problem. I cant control how he feels and I'm letting it go. And... If possible forgive him for it. If you walk around with this hurt inside of you, along with the worry, blame, anger and guilt...They will eat you alive. All you can do is accept ownership of your life and your actions and try and do the best you can on a day to day basis.
I think the part we fall down on sometimes, is not listening to our own conscience. That voice inside of us that wont let us lie to ourselves. We can tell the outside world its someone else's fault. Or that we are doing the best we can. But inside...We know ...And we cant hide the real truth from ourselves.
My heart breaks for people like my friend who don't have that support of love of their parents. Family is the soft blanket that should be there to wrap up in when the rest of the world is cold.
I wont say that my parents are perfect people..I think even they will be one of the first people to tell you that. Over the years we have had more than our share of parent/child disagreements. But I cant imagine not having them there somewhere...The alternative seems kind of sad and lonely.
8 comments:
It is very late in Germany and I have woken up an hour ago.
I have to write something to your Post but I am too tired.
Much reminds me of my experiences.
I have good parents but I don't know whether they hate or love me.
See you later Jen.
As usual, Jef has summed up EXACTLY what I wanted to say.
(Except Im not bi-polar- but otherwoise SPOT ON) : )
GOOD JOB BUDDY!
I only can follow the opinion from Jef and Adrian.
I have good parents and they help me at problems.
But they give me the feeling I make everything wrong.
I had very bad marks in mathematics and I have improved strongly. I was pleased about my good results and my father asked nevertheless why they aren't very good.
I like none soccer but played rugby and my father was disappointed by me very much.
When I was twelve years old, I became a sports shooter and I had many successes and even was sponsered. I qualified for the German championship and my parents never were under the spectators.
And many more things...
However, I have good parents unlike my friends, they are married for twenty-nine years and I like them very much.
ok, in no way is the divorce the son's fault. it is the parents who made the decision to bring him into the world and care for him after that, no matter how hard it becomes. if he was born bi-polar, would his father still have divorced his mother? is so, then it was simply an excuse to leave the marriage.
JgStephan
I guess sometimes parents want for us..what they wanted for themselves. My mom and I have had this talk before. She realizes that there have been times while I was growing up she pushed me in a certain direction. She thinks maybe she did because she wanted things for me that she wasnt able to have. Not all the pushes were bad. Some things I was glad she tried to motivate me to do...even if I couldnt see that until after the fact. I suppose that even during the times we disagreed, I always knew that no matter what..she was always going to be there if I needed her.
Jef
I feel for my friend because I can hear it in his voice everytime the subject gets talked about..He wants so badly for his father to open his arms to him and want him around. I admite that when that happens it breaks my heart. I suppose Im a fixer by nature. I want to try and make it better. But there are somethings that you just cant fix. People are one of them..I agree with you though..I told my friend to take the future one day at a time..Point himself in the direction he wanted to try and then take one step toward it..and then repeat this until he arrived at the place he wanted to be...Trying to map out your entire future all at once can be overwhelming. One day at a time is alittle less scary and still gets you there.
Adrian
You have a great family who loves you. I envy some of the stories you have told me about Sunday Dinners. I know you already know this...but you are very lucky.
Ek varlang na jou & Lief vir jou liefling.
illimitable voices
I believe that there were already problems in this family and the added stress from the illness is what finally causes people to break. I think his father is an ass for making him feel as though he were bad for the way he is. Its an illness he would rather not have. He would give anything to not have to deal with it day to day. But he has to..his father blames him..and these are things he has to accept. People are imperfect and flawed and disapoint us..its just sad that when we are let down sometimes by those people who are the ones that should be there to love us no matter what.
Dankie Liefling.
Ek is ook lief vir jou
Adrian
Youre welcome sweetie pie.
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