I woke up this morning around 5:30 to the sound of pouring rain. Normally I love the sound of a storm. Especially when I can lay in bed and listen to it outside. Its the perfect time to think and day dream. But this morning I don't want to have to think anymore and my day dreams are pretty much history.
Ive been feeling sort of invisible lately. As if I'm viewed but not seen...heard but not listened to. It seems that everyone in the world....especially those closest to me (family and friends) seem to have an opinion about what I need to be doing with my life and how I should be doing it.
After the initial irritation I feel subsides...I try and remember that this is coming from a good place. That these people truly do care for me and care what happens to me. They mean well and they're advise and opinions have good intentions behind them. But I have to wonder, how they can know what I need and want when I don't even know myself.
Some of my friends think I need a love life to solve my problems. Trust me..been there tried that. I cant make one work. Besides...to me you're heart isn't interchangeable.....You either really love someone or you don't....You cant just swap one person for another. Or I cant. NOR DO I WANT TO.
My family thinks that I need to have focus...goals...a plan. I need to get serious and stop day dreaming. To take on more adult responsibilities...yada yada yada....I know the drill. And I wont say that they are completely wrong about some of this....But let me figure it out....Stop trying to do it for me. I keep trying to explain, I'm not them. I'm not the same person. I have to do it my way.
If I have heard it once I have heard it a ga-zillion times..."Ive been where you are. I already know the mistakes a head of you...You need to listen to me. I'm trying to help you".
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! STOP ALREADY!
I know you have seen things I haven't. I also know you may have more life experience than I do. But geezzzzzzzz cut me some slack here. I not stupid. Have some faith in the way you raised me. I just need to work this out on my own. I want to work it out on my own. I want to make my own plan and my own mistakes whatever they might be. I will take responsibility if I screw it up. I'm not making excuses for those Ive made already. Just give me some breathing room. Please.
I keep thinking if I bide my time...some new object of obsession will get their attention and my life will fade from their thoughts. I admit I'm not good at being pushed...I tend to dig in and go the opposite direction when it happens. If those who kept pushing me really thought about it they would know this.
I suppose if the truth be told...I know them too..and I know that the same way they are pushing my buttons...I'm in turn pushing theirs. Its pretty childish and dis functional sounding when you lay it out like that. But in families I guess we all know each others weak spots.
9 comments:
1st- maybe there are people who learn from the mistakes of others, and to some extent you could argue we all do, but I'm like you- I need to make the mistake myself or I'll never believe you. Also, the more people push me in one direction the more likely I am to just sit down and refuse to budge in any direction.
All that to say, I know where you are coming from. Do what you gotta do, as much as everyone means well its your life and you have to be the one to live it. There are no shortcuts. Also, its okay to be 20 and not be locked into a life plan. Who knows what they want to do for the rest of their life at that age? I think its ridiculous to send 18 year olds to college and say, okay pick something to do forever. How do we know if we haven't had a chance to really try things?
This is getting kind of long, but one of my day dreams is always about being born at 80 and getting younger as I go. Starting in retirement, then work, then being young when I can appreciate it...and of course, starting out with the knowledge of an 80 year old and ending with the knowledge of a baby instead of the other way around.
(Hi! I'm a freak! And I just wrote you a novel!)
megan
Thank you for this. It wasnt too long at all and it was exactly what I needed.
With the exception of Adrian who has always had this spooky ability to read my mind and figure out whats bugging me sometimes before I even do...I was beginning to think maybe it was just me. That maybe I was just way off in how I was processing all of this.
Im like you..I can appreciate that someone is trying to save me the same misteps that they took in life. I appreciate that it comes from a good place...I know even when Im angry that its not meant the way Im taking it at the time. But still...its so hard at the moment it happens to rationally think they are just trying to help. Because all Im thinking is how angry I am that Im being pushed.
Digging in my heels is usually my first response.
It feels better knowing that someone else feels like that in similar situations. And has reacted the same way I do.
As far as being 80 and going backwards...Im not sure Id want to know all the suprises before I got to them. I have learned from someone I admire alot that the adventure of seeing whats next is half the fun. I guess I just want be able to pick my own adventure...not live someone elses.
And even when the adventure didnt turn out the way you thought it would...It was still worth trying.
And as for the novel thing..I think maybe its a southern girl thing : )
You know, it might be time to leave home for awhile. Head out, go to school, get a job. something far enough away that you feel freer. Then go back in a year or so and see if the air has cleared.
A change of atmosphere can be a good thing sometimes.
exmi
You know I was thinking I might do just that. The idea of going to a place where no one knows my name and just begin again...sounds scary but good too.
Does that make sense? Maybe thats the answer.
I hear Edinburgh is good this time of year! : D
Hey Jen Im doing my bi yearly visit to Aids blog , thought id pop by.
It seems the deep end of the pool gets deeper with every post.
yes, dear Jen. I suggest a change is due you.
Sometimes when life gets complicated it is always good to change the ground rules.
Throw yerself on the universe and let the geography/experiences show you the way to go. This will mold you into new interests, ppl, and places. Bounce yerself off of a few new things.
It is ironic tht you will never feel so free and easy as when you give up control.
It is a new way to look at reality and will open you to new opportunity.
Take a risk.
Here are two little ditties tht are my favorites of all time. Hope you enjoy.
Never give up faith, hope, and courage. Your darkest moments facilitate change.
AND.....
There are two ways of spreading light
To be the candle
or the mirror
tht reflects it
Me love you.
Yer friend, Mamabear
adrian
My heart is already there.
Hey Stuart
Im glad you stopped by. Its really nice to see you back again. Hope all is going well with you.
: )
mamabear
Thank you for the nice words.
Ha, Jen look at the 33 at the end of yer entry above.....my, my, my, they certainly follow me about now do they not? !!!
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