I am beginning to think that maybe I was born with a birth defect. I was born without ambition. Yesss....(hangs head) I think I truly lack any.
I have watched friends and family for years scramble and jockey themselves into the best position for colleges and job opportunities. All for one thing, so that they can improve their current status in life. Either with the presence of the dollar in their bank accounts or by the prestige that comes with the job title. But I have never felt the fever. I'm not sure why.
I know I'm lucky, I have never been truly poor. At least I don't think we have. If we were, my parents hid it from me well. I know that my mom always made sure that I had whatever I needed. Do you think there in lies the problem? Maybe I wasn't taught ambition?
Don't misunderstand me...I have no problem with work. Whether I get paid for it or not...I'm no stranger to it. My family and relatives come from farmers and blue collar working class...Especially the generation of my grandparents, who believe its a mortal sin not to indulge in the fine art of manual labor. Its just not something I get all giddy and day dream about.
Its not that I don't want to earn a decent living someday. I realize that money is not just a luxury its a necessity. You have to have it to pay for the basic wants and needs in life. I guess I would like to be comfortable and not have to struggle to make ends meet. But I have never sat down and thought to myself...GEEE I cant wait till I'm pulling down 6 figures and I can by that 6 bedroom house with the pool and the three car garage.
I can remember one afternoon at one of our larger family gatherings....The family was all sitting around that huge table in the dining room. I was listening to my cousin speak of her aspirations for college and future employment. She wanted to attend college at these schools because they were top ranking in the country........Then move to this graduate school....From there she felt she could leap frog her way and land a job from one of these top ranking corporations. Making eventually X number of dollars.
During this recital of her future goals and aspirations....The parents and the grandparents were nodding approvingly and smiling. Saying how that was a good plan. Then they look at me. Sooo Jen what are you're plans?
I hate that question. Because I hadn't made my own personal map to the buried treasure, ie; The American Dream. I probably should have just thrown out my standard answers that I had learned to recite every time someone asked me this question. Lets face it..this had been going on for over a year at that point. I learned quickly that if I told the truth and said I really don't know what I want to do. Then I got the "Oh that's so sad" look or the even worse.."You're going to be a loser for the rest of your life" look.
I was thinking in that moment...that I don't care right now what I do. I'm not ready to make plans or pick something for the sake of saying I have. I think then is when it clicked in my brain that I didn't have this drive or whatever it is you want to call it to conquer the world. Or at least my little corner of it. That's when I made the critical mistake of trying to be funny...I told them I was currently employed as a non-profit slacker. There wasn't much money in it..But the hours were great.
Big mistake..Apparently this group didn't subscribe to my "I will figure it out when I do" theory. They felt I needed a plan and proceeded to tell me so. That is when it began...the talk about goals and my future. Its then that comes the we are going to now give you ideas as to what you should do portion of our talk. One of the Great Aunts told me she would be glad to hook me up as an Avon representative if I wanted. That she did quite well with hers and that is something that would still allow me to set my own schedule. Someone else said that they knew of the daughter of a friend of the family who was now working at the bank in town..and had gone from being a teller all the way up to the loans department. She apparently was doing quite well for herself.
But before I could even reply......Great Grandma who felt the only thing a person truly needed in life was a good relationship with their lord and maker... Spoke up and said...Money is the root of all evil. It wont buy you happiness. That is something you need to look to the lord for.
That's when Great Uncle Mack (my personal hero and role model for the non-profit slacker and semi wild child I am today) finally spoke up and put in his words of wisdom........
"Money may not be able to by you happiness...But it sure lets you enjoy miserable on a nicer side of town".
Cant argue with that logic.
7 comments:
play it as ya go dear. You don't have to have a world plan to be a success.
Ever met ppl who have the world by the tail, wealth, health, material goods. Then thro folly in love lost it all. Right down to the bones. Divorce.
Ever had a friend turn to the booze or drugs and lose it all. Suicide.
Met many rich laser-focused type ppl. It doesn't buy happiness.
Happiness comes from living inside the real you. I reckon we could call that word INTEGRITY. Being honest to yer true self, builds on itself.
Take the $$$$ out of the equation. What would you do for free if you had all of yer needs met. There is a thread here. Follow it and you find yer true vocation and calling.
Back in my bar and restaurant years I used to get disconcerted cause all my patrons would say "why aren't you a nurse, you really should be a nurse".
Guess they saw what I didn't. So was it not funny when I went to get my RN degree and graduate at the age of 48. Money was somewhat of a goal here I admit (wanted that swimming pool with every fiber of my being) nursing was predicated on the career I'd already had for 20 years.
Loved ppl, wanted to see them happy and be a part of their life. I liked getting tips. It was like instant $$$, ego gratification, entertainer, control artist, etc.
It was sooooo much fun! Would not have traded that part of my life for nutin. Had a ball. Learned a lot of psychology that I still use with my patients today.
Only difference is now I push IV morphine and dilaudid instead of cocktails. Still serve food. Ha! Only down side is I frequently have to clean from whence the food exits, if ya get my drift. Oh well, there is a down side of every biz.
Never had alot of $$$$ in those early years, never noticed tho, had alot of love and excitement. I too would get the comments what are ya gonna do with yer life, sometimes it would bother me. Like did I really have to grow up and get a JOB? Decided I liked what I was doing. Money was never the issue, it seemed to come along at the right times. The main thing was I was true to myself and what I was good at---tht is its own reward.
You owe no one but yerself. Make yer daily life yer temple. Build on it. It will come.
In fact, you may not know it, but yer already doin it.
There is one thing I learned in hospice nursing and that is this---
Make it a great day....tomorrow is promised to no one
Live and be proud of yerself NOW
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Uncle Mack is a legend.
Mamabear has pretty much said anything and everything I wanted to and would have said, so all I can say is:
DITTO and
I LOVE YOU
Mamabear
You are probably right. Either way I dont see myself as having the drive to pursue something for the money factor alone.
It will have to be something that I get excited about doing.
Thank you for the good advise.
PS: I like the whole having a pool idea..But unless I can have one that lets me dump out the water when Im done..or hire a pool boy named "MIKE"..then I cant do it...I have no desire to clean one. *grin*
Adrian
Yeah Uncle Mack is a sport. Better whatch out..those genes are swimming in this pool...*grin*
I love you too.
Jef
Im not sure the things that I have an interest in would pay the bills.
I may need to have a real job...No matter what I do...Bills are a factor that has to be considered..But maybe Ill get lucky and I can do both.
Relax, kiddo. I used to be ambitious and I got burned. It's way over-rated. Averice is a necessity, to some extent, these days, but there's something to be said for not getting sucked in. And by the way, Grandma is wrong: It's the LOVE of money that is the root of all evil. Jen, you are immensely talented. I'm not a bit worried about you. You're a late bloomer and when you figure out what you're passionate about, the world had better step aside. I love you, kid. I tell you, you may not feel rich, but your thoughts are priceless. Keep it up.
Joshua
Thanks Rocket. That was really sweet of you to say and it means a lot.
Although admit it..You sort of like the idea of the non-profit slacker life style dont you?
Ive seen you eyeing our club T-shirts...YOU WANT ONE!
*grin* Love ya
Happiness comes in small doses, it is a 3 second orgasm, ice cream on a hot day, smile on your dog when you had a shitty day...
Money allows you to buy stuff and experiences, happiness has nothing to do with it.
Yeah Joshua's right about grandma's quote - it's the LOVE of money that's the root of all evil.
And don't stress too much Jen. I didn't have any real aspirations at your age (all I wanted to do was play basketball), and throughout the years I've taken on board what my parents and grandfather have been saying about "planning" and many years ago created a journal where I wrote down things I wanted to do and also things I didn't want to do - because if you don't know what you want, start with what you don't want and you'll soon find out what you want.
I'm by no means a success in the world's eyes (I don't have a steady job, I don't have any assets, I'm still driving around in my first car and I'm renting with my sister), but hey I've got joy... and there's a big difference between having joy and getting happiness.
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