Thine Own Worst Enemy

Personal Note: I'm not sure if I will have the courage to hit publish when I finish this post. I suppose I wont know until the last word is written. I think I'm starting to understand what my mother meant by owning your mistakes and standing up to accept them. I guess that's part of becoming an adult. I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be...But then no one promised it would be easy....

If you have ever wanted to see a woman self destruct before your very eyes...Pull up a chair..I feel that the "BIG KABOOM" is just moments away. I have had a lot of thoughts, feelings and fears all sort of bubbling under the surface for a while now. I think part of me felt if I just ignored them they would eventually go a way. But they're not.

This has no order, so where do I start? I feel like I have no control over my emotions lately. I'm on this roller coaster of highs and lows. I have succeeded in pushing away the people who most care about me. Partly because I cant stand to let them see me this weak. I know that sounds pretty vain. I hate it that I have to admit to that, but its true none the less.

My family not only thinks I'm blowing off my future for "school girl" type day dreams, but have become concerned that I may have something physically wrong with me. That thought alone makes me angry and scared. I'm angry that they would the audacity to even suggest it..Scared because I have already thought the same thing myself.

I cant go to the one person in this world who knows me and gets me better than anyone else with all of these thoughts....Not because he's not available to me..On the contrary..He wants more than anything to help right now and keeps offering his hand. But I cant accept it. I feel like if I tell him all the details, he will feel as though he is partly to blame for my situation. He isn't..But he will still see it that way. I cant tell him because I'm embarrassed with myself, I feel like most of the mistakes were stupid ones and of my own making. I cant because I'm afraid, what if its more than stress and stupidity on my part that's put me here, what if there is something physical involved here? What then?

I cant because I know he has enough going on right now in his own life with out heaping my little dramas onto the pile. I wont do that to him. I cant because deep down I feel as though I'm whining. I'm being a big baby about some of this..That I should suck it up and get tough. I'm just not sure how.

I'm still bothered by seeing my friend get stabbed in front of me a couple months ago. I'm bothered by the image of the knife blade shining in the light of the parking lot. I'm bothered because I did nothing..That there was nothing I could have done. I want to help and tell what I saw. I think the guy who did this deserves to be punished for what he did. But the idea of sitting there in front of lawyers, a judge, a jury and the defendant gets to me. It didn't happen to me..I was just the spectator. But I'm changed since it happened. It bothers me that I'm not the same any more.

I'm angry with myself for not knowing what I want. For letting things slide for so long..For not giving the best of what I know is in me to achieve my goals. For feeling apathetic about moving forward.

I do not like this feeling of not having control. I don't like this feeling of weakness. I hate this part of who I am and who I seem to becoming. Its not just letting down the people who expect more of me..Its the inner knowledge that I know I'm not giving it my best either.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense to anyone as I write it down. How can I make myself understood clearly about how I feel when I have no clarity in my own mind?

I think in pictures. I put all my thoughts in order with those pictures. I organize and examine all of them to come up with my own personal answers and order of things. But right now..My mind is just static...A buzz of jumbled thoughts and feelings with no clear understanding of why its like that. Its frustrating.

Why blog about this?....Because to me this is my way of letting it go..Of saying it out loud and admitting it to myself. Even if it makes me look like a head case right now..At least its out there and for some reason...That sort of feels like a weight lifted.