I have no reason to complain...and this isn't really a complaint....more just thoughts written down.
Here I am almost 22. After a little struggle and much procrastination, Ive figured out a plan for my life. Well maybe not my entire life, but at least this part of it.
This year Ive moved from the parents house to a place of my own in a new city. Ive begun a new job...(one only meant to pay the bills and put a little cash in my pockets while in school) and was promoted soon after I began. Which while the job itself and the promotion isn't a huge deal....it will put a few more dollars in my weekly paychecks and that's always a good thing. I began going to a new University. I'm still in the early stages of my chosen program, but so far I'm making straight A's. Ive gotten a new puppy a few months ago...who at this moment is completely house broken and as it turns out is pretty smart. Everyone who meets him seems to fall in love with him, and that's sort of cool. Ive got some really great roommates we get along very well...and a small circle of close friends near and far that I'm grateful for. The parents have backed off a great deal, letting me stand on my own...but still remain supportive. That all in itself is a nice change.
So all in all...I'm moving in what could be considered a positive forward motion right? So why do I still feel so restless?
Ive never felt the need to follow the crowd, not being one of those type people who have to do it because everyone of my friends are doing it. But I have to admit when I look around and see people all around me in serious relationships, it makes me feel a little envious.
Ive never had a problem being single. Ive always been OK with being on my own and never felt the need to have to be dating someone continuously. Ive never felt the need to have an escort each time I go out. And its not even that I'm in envy of a certain situation or individual couple. I guess its just that, I am reminded of what it felt like to have someone significant in my life. To have that feeling of closeness and connection with another person. I think that's what I'm missing.
But since I'm not dating and haven't been for well over a year or so....it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where I'm going wrong does it? Girl wants someone in her life, so girl needs to date in order to find that someone who fits that life. Seems so simple and its generally how its done I'm told. The thing is I don't feel like the situations or people out there make me feel like I want to take that step.
A long distance friend of mine and I were talking and he made the statement that he couldn't understand why I wasn't being pursued or asked out. He asked if there was something wrong with American guys? No...there isn't I guess...I suppose they are probably like guys anywhere. And I told him that it wasn't a case of not being asked...it was more one of me not accepting those invitations. So the fact that I am in this situation at all is of my own making. I know this...and again I'm not complaining.
But I do wonder if maybe I'm just backwards in my thinking. Maybe its not my situation, but my expectations of what I want that are off base. I used to think that if I were patient and waited, it would just happen on its own. But now I'm honestly not so sure. What if I'm wrong?
Ive always believed you cant go out and replace someone you were in love with. It doesn't work that way. You cant fill a void left by one person by trying to recreate that feeling with another. (or at least I cant) And a lot of times it feels as though people want to hurry to quickly into making a serious relationship out of an early infatuation. They barely know someone before they are professing their love and talking of a future. How can you say the words "I love you" to someone you barely know? Most of the time you haven't had enough time to find out if you can even like them long term let alone love them. Isn't love something you discover about them as time goes on and you see who they are?
Not to mention, Do I really want a guy who tells each and every girl he dates hes in love with her? How then can I be sure that if and when he says it to me it is different or that I am different to him than all the others that came before me? And if you say those words to everyone you date doesn't it lessen their importance and significance? It seems as if it would almost desensitise the real value of what that all is supposed to mean.
Then there is sex. Not something I'm opposed to. But not something I feel I want to do with each guy I go on a date with either. Although that does seem to be the way its done now. Its seen as just sex, and isn't supposed to be more or mean more than that....The thing is....if I don't care enough about you to be able to say I love you to you, then how can I share the rest of myself with you? Maybe it boils down to not thinking it out that far"? Maybe I'm not supposed to be thinking of what the consequences or where it goes after...just of enjoying the moment? Is it all just live and let live?
And I have to wonder....if I abandon my previous thinking...and I just follow the new tide...will I really find what it is I really want. Which is something real, that feeling...that connection that one person who knows me inside and out.
One day several months ago the same friend who had asked me about dating and I were having one of those really great talks about anything and everything...And out of the blue he gave me a really great compliment....He said "You know Jen, you really are an exceptional girl, really very genuine". Knowing him, I'm sure he didn't mean anything significant by saying this...it was just a simple observation during the course of one conversation. But to me it meant a lot. Because in a world where it sometimes feels more important as to what I am...he maybe every so briefly saw who I am.
And who knows....if he could see something....maybe someone else will take the time to as well.
11 comments:
Go out with someone who asks you (or you ask them) once. If you didn't have a good time don't go out again. Repeat as needed. If he wants ex, say no, if he gets obnoxious, mace him and move on. Eventually you will find someone you want to continue with. But this is all stuff you know already. So just relax, life is moving, move with it. Have fun.
I had lunch with the parent of a university student lately. By chance we sat together at the bar of the burger joint. She gave me a little insight I thought was applicable to you and my daughter. She said, "Guys buy whatever you are selling, or some guy will buy what you're selling."
That said, I see so many young women selling their bodies for companionship. As this is as old as the planet, it's not the way to go about it. Sex for love, love for sex.
The best attitude to have is to become the "buyer" in the market. Jen, I've seen your picture, you have nothing to worry about in the looks department. You can literally take your pick of who you want. Your list has already started
1. Nice guy who values you
2. Guy who thinks sex has meaning and value and isn't the after dinner dessert.
They will beat down your door if they know you are available. Line them up for interviews. When they fail the interview, let them know you aren't interested.
As far as sex. If I was single again, I'm not sure what role sex would play. Once you open pandora's box it gets hard to close it.
Knot
First off, no, sex for the sake of the entertainment of it all isn't the answer. I cheapens the moment when you do find someone worth while, and i believe cheapens you view of your self. I personally would respect a girl far far more if she told me no, than the opposite.
I say this as someone who has screwed up in the past, and can now look back with the retorical 20/20 vision and see how the entire experiance and memory has been marred. I think that sex is truely something special, and I feel sorry for people who only see it as an evenings entertainment.
I could soap box on, but I won't. Life as a single person can be frustrating, i agree, however, the freedom and ability to go and doo whatever you choose is somthing you shouldn't be in any big hurry to loose. Right now you can go, do, be anything you want too, with no one else to concider. There really are far worse things in life than that. I have many friends that while the love their sig other very much, feel at times like they got tied down a bit early. Don't beat your self over the head, you only 22, you have another 60+ plus year (on avg) to live. Enjoy life now, and let the guys drool as you walk by. ;-P
Yeah, I totally agree. And how did I not realize how young you really are? You always sound older to me. Or maybe I just assume you're 27 like me!
Anyway, You are on the right track, and you have enough value and respect for yourself. Don't let dirty guys try to tell you otherwise. You're frikkin awesome!
cool blog, same interest as me...swimming monsters...
Be true to yourself, and stick to your guns Jen - you have the advantage of youth so you have plenty of time.
It took me ages to find someone that had the essential qualities I admire in a partner, and even though it ended faster than any relationship I had before, it was good to know that there are women out there who can meet my standards.
Keep loving life.
That's a long text...I haven't read it actually because I'm just 2 lazy...there are 2 many words.
Nice meeting you anyways I won't really blog because I still haven't find the way to build a computer out of wood sticks.
Good luck.
i think you'd better enjoy your life as it comes without thinking too much . just do what you wanna do , open the doors of your life to everyone
i love you
Anonymous
Awww thank you.... But this is all so sudden. I don't even know your name. lol : )
Ok, where are you?
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