My friend Ryan and I get into these discussions about relationships and dating. I find his age discriminatory preferences on dating a bit annoying....but he knows this and seems to be OK with the fact I don't completely agree with him. Recently when replying to one of his emails I made the statement that despite my age...I knew what I wanted and I was willing to wait to find it. Because I think there are worse things than being alone....such as being with the wrong person.
His reply was that he liked my point...But, he wondered if I would hold to that point of view if I reach 30 and still hadn't found someone to be with in my life? He also wondered if women lowered their standards as they aged...when their biological clocks were working against them.
I thought about this a lot Ryan. I don't think its that women lower their standards ...maybe its more their expectations when it comes to finding a partner. But I don't believe it happens just when they approach 30. I think it begins for most at a much earlier age. I think women around the age of 23 start seeing most of their friends marching happily down the isle one after the other like little ducklings...They then begin to have children. The pressure to conform...from their own families and from society in general is pretty hard to ignore.
I have to admit I sometimes feel it too. I get tired of the questions or the opinions of others as to who I should date or how strange it is that I don't. So would I change my views if I reach 30 and I still find myself alone? Id like to think I wouldn't. Id like to think that Ive made my choices because I want a healthy lasting relationship. Id like to think Id wait to find the right thing...the right person no matter what. But in all honesty...I don't really know and probably wont until I get there.
I watched a movie recently, in it the father is talking to his daughter about what real love is. I cant recall the quote word for word...but basically he said that when its real love....he wont care if you are fat or thin....if you are having a bad hair day, or breaking out....if your old or young....because with the right person...even when you are having your worst day possible....He will still think the sun shines out of your butt.
OK maybe that's not the most poetic description of real love....but its true. He wont want to change you....he will accept you flaws and all and still think your amazing. I think that's worth waiting for.
13 comments:
Ryan is wrong you are correct. NEVER marry someone out of convenience. Being married is hard enough, don't make it any harder. The more research and picky you are the better the result ends up being in the end - no pun intended.
What complicates the whole 30 thing, and 30 is still young, it's the new 25, is that the field of candidates narrows. This is good and bad. Good in that there are fewer to cull through, bad in that there are fewer to cull through.
I've tried to instill this into my daughters, "DO NOT SETTLE FOR WHATEVER GUY ASKS YOU OUT!" YOU do the choosing. YOU administer what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. A healthy person will do the same thing. And friends are the best boyfriends/girlfriends.
Ryan ... there is a lot to learn buddy.
~Jef
Ok...that's two complicated for me...I have a headache.
Jen -> Okay, here goes, ready?
Brace yourself... ;-)
I believe...
... that I would not marry, at my current age of 30 years old, any female below the age of about 25. I may very well date a 23 year old, but would not marry her until she was 25.
I do believe that age should matter when it comes to love especially for women below the age of 25 when marrying men 10+ years their senior. However, once a woman has reached the age of 25 she has matured to a level where I believe she can marry whomever she wishes regardless of difference in age from her senior.
I also believe that women aged 25 have different qualities that they look for in a partner than what they previously looked for when they were 21 years old. It's just a part of maturing as a person - the same will apply for blokes too.
This is why I don't waste time dating 18-22 year olds. You could be the fad one day, and the flop the next. 23-24 year olds can be touch-and-go but are a little more stable than their 18-22 year old counterparts. It's not until a woman reaches 25 that a plateau can finally been seen in their tastes.
Okay. How are we going? You haven't exploded yet have you? Nothing really new so far, right? Okay, moving on...
So from 18-22 women are on a rollercoaster ride of finding out the qualities they would like in a partner.
23-24 they begin to develop a couple of core qualities that they really want in a partner.
25-28 they have concrete preferences on what they want in a partner.
29-35 <- the area I was questioning about... do women continue to develop more preferences in a partner, or do they begin to lessen some of their core qualities so that they can get married and have children?? The clock is ticking against them.
I gathered from your answer that they wouldn't lessen their preferences.
So, if you have, say, 3 core qualities you'd love to have in your partner, and you meet someone who has two of those qualities, with no other man coming close at meeting one of them, you'd still give the guy the flick?
(And BTW the age groupings are just generalisations, not hard and fast rules... and yes Jen, as we've established time and time again there are *always* exceptions to the rules.)
Jef -> Aah, wrong about what dude? You might want to re-read Jen's post again as I don't disgaree with anything you've said so maybe you tripped on something in her post. ;-)
JJ -> Me too! ;-)
Ryan
Very well said. But you answered your own question. Yes someone is more likely to compromise what they feel are important qualities the older they get.
Dont they have to? The older a person gets the group of available single possiblites decreases as well. The smaller the dating pool the less likly a person is to be picky.
Not because they dont want to be, but because if they are then they are in fact making their dating options even more limited.
Doesnt the pressure to settle down also increase as a person gets older too?
So heres my question for you.....
While I dont see you as old by any means...At the age of 30 do you ever feel you compromise what you are hoping for when looking for persons to date?
And at this point in your life...assuming you want children, are you of the mind set that you are only dating those women who would fit your criteria of a suitable partner? Do you ever feel the pressure from family and friends to settle down and marry?
no, we just become more convinced of what we want. If anything, our standards increase.
At the age of 30 do you ever feel you compromise what you are hoping for when looking for persons to date?
It is a question I do find myself asking. Would I comprimise? But then I think to myself if I do would my partner really feel secure in a relationship if she didn't fulfil all my desires in a partner?
That would be kind of like saying, "You'll do, as you're the best that I've seen so far."
No thanks. I wouldn't want a partner thinking like that about me, I'd prefer you ARE the best.
Assuming you want children, are you of the mind set that you are only dating those women who would fit your criteria of a suitable partner?
I love kids. And I would one day love to have at least a couple of tigers running around. So with that I ultimately wouldn't find myself marrying someone who was either too old, or who didn't similarly feel the same way about kids.
Do you ever feel the pressure from family and friends to settle down and marry?
All the time, but it's always subtle. i.e. "Oh, gee that girl seemed nice." or "I wonder what would happen if you two ever hooked up..." etc etc
It used to be blatant, but now friends and family have moved to using guerilla tactics. ;-)
Interesting debate- I would tend to think as women get older we would get more exacting in our standards because we have had more time to date and to see what we like and don't like.
For instance, at 18 I was more interested in if the guy was cute and had a car than anything else.
When I got married at 23 I was more interested in things like kindness, respect, blah blah blah.
And at 26, if I were to become single tomorrow, my standards would be even more defined and less negotiable.
Although, I do wonder if already having been married makes a difference as well? Maybe a woman who is 40 and never been married would be more likely to "settle" than a woman who is older but has already been married?
At 46 now it is generally thought among my friends that I will get married when some woman/girl decides to marry me and clubs me over the head so I will notice.
That being said, I have never understood those like my brother or sister who speak of younger people with amused disdain. Perhaps becasue I still spend a lot of my time with college students (not as their boss or professor but as their coach and sometimes tutor)that I find they are quite interesting to talk to. Would I date one? I don't think I have to worry about that. I doubt they would date me so it really is irrelevant.
Why get married? : D
Autumn
I think how firm you are in your needs or requirements in a partner as you age depends on how desperate you are to walk down the isle.
Some people cant handle the idea of being alone. So they see that clock ticking and they decide to compromise. If youre ok with yourself being single...I dont think your as willing to settle.
Megan
I have talked to my Mom on this subject before. She divorced around the age of 40.
She said that the hardest choice for her was the unknown...such as would she be able to support herself and me as a single parent.
But she said that the thing that finally made her make her choice was turning 39. She did some soul searching and asked herself if she wanted to spend the next 40 years unhappy.
She also said once she realized she could do it all on her own...Her independance went into over drive and she was much less tollerant of putting up with other peoples issues. She was ok being on her own and single.
However....she did meet someone and she has remarried. But the guy she married is the most easy going guy youd ever want to meet..and pretty much perfect in the husband department. So I can see why she concented to marry again.
In fact...Id like to think Ill find a guy who will care about me that much and treat me that good someday.
exmi
Thank you very much. I always thought as a rule I was pretty interesting to talk to as well.
You once again have shown great insight and depth of thinking here.
: D
Forzavryheid
Why indeed? I suppose its not really necessary. And as I said before....if your ok with yourself, you can be perfectly content with being single. And if single is what you desire. I see nothing wrong with it.
But as you already know...Im a bit of an opinionated romantic. SO I suppose this next thing stems from that part of me.
I think if you find the right person. That one that gets you the way no one else does.
Then my question is why not get married?
When (or if) you find that person that you want to marry, and that person wants to marry you, then you would be a fool not to follow through.
Crystallization is a concept, developed in 1822 by the French writer Stendhal, which describes the process, or mental metamorphosis, in which unattractive characteristics of a new love are transformed into perceptual diamonds of shimmering beauty; according to a quotation by Stendhal: I call 'crystallization' that action of the mind that discovers fresh perfections in its beloved at every turn of events.
jean-jacques
Very pretty quote. And Id never heard this before, but the idea is something Ive always believed in.
I think as you fall in love with someone...the more in love you become, the less their rough edges seem to matter. Until eventually you only see them through the love you feel..and in youre eyes they are perfect.
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