I know this probably wont sound very nice. But I am sometimes really disappointed and even disgusted with my gender. I wont go as far as to say this feeling I have is with ALL women. If I were to do that, I would be contributing to the very thinking that currently has me frustrated. But I can say that a large majority of those females I have been exposed to really tick me off!
You...those of you I'm speaking to are making me look bad. And I resent it. Because of your bad behavior in relationships...I'm being lumped into this category right along with you because I share the same sex. Its frustrating when you try really hard to live your life in a certain way....and yet when others look at you and when I say others I mean the other 50% of the population that is not female....When others look at you and all they see is another "female".
I'm not going to give guys a free pass on bad behavior. I have personal experience with those individuals who are proof positive men can behave badly. I have a good many guy friends. Some of them I will admit are dogs. They know they are..I know they are. It is what it is. I don't condone their bad behavior in the way they treat women. I just accept who and what they are at face value.
After all I'm not their Mother or their Minister...and its not my job to judge them or fix them. If they want my opinion on what it is they are doing....then they will get it. They wont like it, but they will indeed get it. Which is probably why they don't ask.
Then there are those who are the nice guys. What could be considered decent datable guys.....except for one thing. They have had the misfortune to be involved with one of the above for mentioned "women". Who at some point in the relationship managed to ruin there belief in the idea that there could be a nice girl out there. These female wolves in nice girls clothing have managed to hurt their pride....hurt their feelings and break their hearts. And because of this prior embarrassment and pain they have suffered they no longer wish to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. They have adopted the eat or be eaten attitude. Do unto others before they can do unto you.
Its hard to watch...because it seems such a waste. But its even harder when you are a single female who would really like to meet a nice decent guy. Who would like to be given the benefit of the doubt or just a chance for someone to get to know who you really are. But instead..you are met with a lot of preconceived ideas of what you must be......just because of the simple fact you are female.
The most frustrating part of it all is that I cant even defend it. The truth is on some level I not only understand how these guys feel, I agree with them. I think a lot of these women are in fact high maintenance and material. They are self centered......they are cheats and untrustworthy...they are promiscuous in their personal behaviors. Some are just plain evil. I know they are. I am a wittiness to it. I see it all the time.... all around me. So how can I defend that?
The answer is I cant. So what happens when you say "But, that's them....I'm not like that"? Well what happens is that you are looked at as if you are trying too hard to sell yourself. It looks and sounds false and unbelievable. I mean isn't that what they all say? I'm innocent...
So here I am...not perfect by any means. I make mistakes all the time. But I think I'm a good person. I don't cheat....I have values that I live by. I try and conduct myself in a way that I can respect. Because that's where it starts isn't it? You have to have respect for yourself if you want others to have any respect for you....... right?
But in order for that to happen... You have to have someone with an open mind who is willing and wants to see who you really are as a person. Someone who will take that time and give you that chance...... Because lets face it...anyone can pretend to be something they aren't for a short time, which is part of the above problem. But over the long haul...usually the truth of who and what you are is revealed. But how do you tell a guy..."Hey look you don't have to believe me..but if you stick around long enough Ill show you who I am..I can prove it".
The truth is again you cant...because they really don't want to hear it....and they don't believe it. They have heard it all before. They are jaded.
If your wondering whats gotten me verbally venting about this subject. Its been bothering me for a while now. But last weekend I was having a heart to heart talk with a male friend. He and I have only just become close in this past year. I also honestly believe that we have spent enough time talking in depth and become close enough that he knows who I am. I also know him and I know he is a bit of a cynic with most things involving people and their motives. But still...here we are having one of our talks and he makes the statement that he thinks that ALL women put out what they think a guy wants to hear in order to attract him and then when they have "gotten him" They get comfortable in their situation and revert to their true selves.
I admit that statement irritated me...frustrated me...and disappointed me. Which knowing him was probably his intent when saying it. But still...If one of my friends...a guy who clearly already thinks I'm a great girl and very datable by his own admission.....can still think that.....then what hope do I have?
Even when I asked him "why would I want to give a guy a false sense of who I am"? Why would I want to pretend to enjoy activities that I don't like? Or books or movies I don't really care for just to get him interested in me? Isn't the whole point to find someone who is compatible with who you really are. Someone who fits in with your life? If you pretend to be something your not just to attract someone.....then doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of trying to find the right one?
His reply was.... ALL women do it.
AHHHHGGGHHHH.....I give up!
13 comments:
Even when I asked him "why would I want to give a guy a false sense of who I am"? Why would I want to pretend to enjoy activities that I don't like? Or books or movies I don't really care for just to get him interested in me?
EXACTLY!
On the flip side of that, if it's obvious that I've never read/seen/tried whatever, and I don't instantly hate it... that doesn't mean it's my new favorite thing. Could be I only enjoy it because of who I'm doing it with. I've had guys get all pissy with me because I try something a couple of times, then tell them it's not really my thing. It's like, hello! I'm trying *not* to be all false around you. I'm not saying you're some kind of substandard human for liking it, I'm saying it's not my thing.
I think a lot of this is a maturity issue on both parts. I think men, just like women, need to stand up and say, "I'm not accepting that behavior," just like we have tried to tell women not to accept bad behavior from men.
I don't think the women understand how this affects them until they get it right back in kind. I think some are just cold and heartless and selfish. But not all of them. The lumping into categories is never good.
As guys mature they need to understand that you can't lump any group together and stereotype them.
Another good post.
~Jef
Of course you are right Jen, but a lot of women seem to do it out of fear of being alone.
Too many women seem to have the idea that they will just get ANY guy they can and "fix" him, whether he wants or needs to be "fixed" or not.
Interesting post Jen.
(And you thought *I* was bad! ;-p lol)
Yeah, I have to agree with Jef I think it has a lot to do with maturity.
This guy has either been in one deep meaningful relationship that went bad and has applied this bad experience to ALL women, or, has had really bad choices in women (present company excluded Jen).
Although I know I use sweeping statements about women, but I so in jest, so I'll close by asking are you sure this guy wasn't applying a bit of humour? (Just checking)
anonymous
I dont believe when speaking of this that my friend was refering to activities or things youve never exeprienced before. I mean who can say what you will like or not like when youve never tried it?
I believe what he was meaning is...Dont tell him you enjoy running just because he likes it. Dont tell him you like camping or hiking because you know hes into it. Dont pretend to have the same interests he has just so you can be close to him and form a relationship with him. Then after the fact decide you no longer wish to participate in those very same things that attracted him to begin with.
Its false advertising. Its pretending to be someone your not. And truthfully from that prespective I can see his point of view.
But I also think its unfair to lump all women into that catagory of those who falsely advertise themselves.
I honestly believe the more a person knows about you the better off you are...Even the bad things. Because lets face it we are all made up of good and bad traits. Its important to get a picture of the whole person. Not just the one we want to show when we are trying to be on our best behavior.
And after all that...seeing the good and bad..You still like me. Then we may have something worth while.
edge
Maybe it is in part a maturity issue.
And youre right, its a question of having enough respect for yourself as a person not to put up with others to would treat you with less than that.
Id just like it if I could be liked or not..for who and what I am. Its as simple as that.
Megan
That is so true. I couldnt agree with you more.
There are a lot of women and men too for that matter who dont feel comfortable or content unless they are part of a couple. They cant seem to be ok with just being with themselves.
So youre right...in the rush to be in a relationship...they will pick the first partner they come across and hurry into a intimate romance before they even really know who this person is, let alone if they are right for them.
The idea of trying to change someone to fit your needs is wrong on so many levels. Dont even get me started on that topic. But youre absolutely right..it happens exactly that way all the time.
ryan
YOU are bad!!! lol
I think he has some past life experiences that have colored the way he views people.
He is an amazing guy. Has a huge heart and would do anything for a friend. But he has a very low tollerance for those who are fake or those who are untrustworthy.
Where I am likely to forgive and try and forget when Ive been hurt by someone. He has a write them off and move on view.
And again from his presepctive I can see how he might feel. He has had reason to see things that way. He has had enough expamples of females doing exactly that to win him over. So in truth why should he think any differently?
And YES in answer your question. Im sure in part he was trying to get a rise out of me. He knows me all too well and exactly what buttons to push to get me going. lol
But I suppose the thing that bothers me the most is that hes not the first guy whos made statements like that. Its just frustraiting. You have to wonder sometimes why bother?
I must admit that through the relationships I've had I have become overly cynical and jaded. I used to consider myself one of the good guys, but I have found I am beginning to not care. I want to say that it is decent PEOPLE who are hard to find, but I have met so many manipulative, vindictive women that I can't fully keep a straight face saying it. I know there are good women out there. But they are far and few between. Of course, the same could be said for men.
The irony is that I wouldn't say I'm part of the 'good guy' team anymore. I'm bitter. And I seriously doubt that I could find someone who suits me. If I did, I doubt I'd believe it would be worth the emotional investment. I could blame women for it, but that wouldn't help, so I don't. The truth is, both sexes have serious flaws. The question is are we willing to live with them? I am beginning to ask myself that, and I don't know if I can.
Of course most men meet less than a thousand potential women during the dating years, so... that's not a poll of all women. So, while I think women can be especially cruel, it'd probably take quite a few lifetimes to find if they are ALL the same. Something tells me they are not. At least I hope so...
ps I'm back in full swing, blog and all...
All women give a false image of who they really are? Naaa. I think some women are natural. One out of 100, maybe.
Drew
Hey there Drew! Im glad your back.
First Id have to disagree with you. I think you are one of the good guys.
But I also understand how you are now disillusioned by the whole dating process.
The thing is Drew...I honestly believe its worth while. I think sometimes its just we are so hopeful and looking to someone to be that "one" that we dont give it enough time to really know who and what they are before we invest ourselves deeply.
Then later when it comes to light that they arent the person we thought...we wind up getting our hearts broken. And yes..I do see and understand why an experience like that would leave a bad taste in your mouth and a reluctance to want to try again.
But what about when it works? What about that feeling you have when its the right person? That incredible, amazing and unimaginable feeling of connecting so completely and strongly with that other person that anything and everything is worth it.
Ive been hurt before badly. But I have also been lucky enough to have that connection with someone too...and I know that if I give up and close off to future possiblities that Ill never have a chance to have that again.
And I do want that again someday. Its hard to take a chance and put yourself out there. And yes a lot of times people will let you down. But if you dont keep open...when that right person does come your way...that one in a million. You miss it.
I suppose maybe that makes me look alittle idealistic or like a hopeless romantic...But I perfere to think of myself as Hopeful.
Besides...Im not going to let the bad behavior of others determine or change the person I want to be. I want to be able to look at myself and know in my own mind and in my own heart I was true to what I believe. Life is to short...everybody falls down its all about how you choose to get back up thats important.
This concludes the sermon portion of our comments...Sorry Drew got on a roll...lol
jean-jacques
Maybe it is only one out of 100. But that one will be worth your time and worth the wait if you give her the chance.
Jen, I reaaaly wish I still had your romantic view on life. Unfortunately, at this time I am one among the faithless when it comes to love. Or maybe I'm just a bitter guy... either way, I appreciate your positive point of view. I just figure it comes down to luck, and I'm sure I've used a lot of mine up.
I've known lots of guys and girls who put the blame on the other person when (as the outsider) I could clearly see the "victim" was as much to blame through their own behavior. It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to break it up (on one level or another). I think when these things blow up, it's worth looking critically at yourself, trying to learn from it, and move on. If you find a pattern in your relationships, (it was never MY fault--what a jerk he/she was), maybe it's time to look at yourself too.
Yup. I guess it's worth to wait.
I think we pull the same stuff on men though, don't you think? Make them suffer for the past wrongs committed by their gender? Or is it just caution? Clearly if someone is saying these things, maybe they shouldn't be dating again yet.
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