Intent

I do not condone or advocate violence. I'm never going to suggest raising a hand or weapon to another living thing is the best way to solve any problem. But the difference between aggression and defense is intent. And if all other options at resolution have failed and you can not walk away...I do not suggest you lie down and passively accept brutality from others. 

You fight.

Read, Research, Educate YourSelf

If you were diagnosed with a serious illness you'd seek a second opinion, right? You'd want to hear what another expert said. Maybe someone who specialized in that condition. You'd educate yourself. You'd read books, articles, ask questions. You'd become aware and informed. Wouldn't you? Because why? Because your life is important to you. Because survival is important to you.

So why aren't we doing the same with political candidates for our government? Aren't you concerned about the societal health of your individual self, of your country, of it's people? When we are all reposting memes with little blurbs or sound bytes of supposed quotes from this candidate or that, are we actually taking all these quotes/ideas and blurbs as fact? Why aren't we looking further? Shouldn't we be looking at both sides of an issue and the comment that resulted from it? Because there are always two or more sides to every discussion. Why aren't we looking beyond one news source? Beyond one network or news paper for our information? Why aren't we questioning whether this person is more than just a good public speaker who has hired an excellent speech writer and public image advisors??

I'm glad people are tired of the status quo. I'm happy they want change. But we need to learn from our history. We need to stop being passive/lazy and allowing others to make these decisions about what is best for us and our families lives as though we are children. I didn't sign up to become some stepford citizen. Did you? Dig deeper. Read a damn book or search out information, research. Think, discuss and look beyond your social media website for answers.

We are in this country because a long time ago few people decided they wanted more than to be ruled by a queen. They wanted to create their own society and govern themselves. Do not allow others to take those choices and freedoms that were given to you, from you again. Educate yourself.

How Did I Get Here?

I ran away from home for the first and well the only time (so far) when I was 25. I don't mean I moved out from under my parents roof. I had already done that two years before for college. No, I mean I put what few things I could grab in a bag and with very little thought and NO planning once so ever I got in my car and left...the city...the state..my family..all behind.

If you know anything about me at all from past posts, then you know I'm an over thinker. I'm a planner, with lists and semi organizational tendencies. I do on occasion have spurts of spontaneity. But those are usually more well constructed and planned out. This was not. Because I was genuinely and literally running away.

I'm not quite ready to tell you from what yet...I will get to that eventually. But I will say that when I left it was not a moment I'm proud of. I left to be quite honest with the idea of getting far enough away and then hurting myself. Again, not a moment or a thought I'm proud of. But all I can say is that we all fall down sometimes...fortunately most of the time we can and do stand up again and keep on moving forward with our lives. But at that moment in my life and sadly even a few others that came after that, I didn't want to get up and just brush myself off...I didn't feel like I could. I didn't want to live in this skin any more, because I felt repulsive and repugnant to myself.

Obviously since I'm not blogging from beyond the grave the above didn't happen. Not that I can take credit for the change in my direction. That came from a friend, who as it also turns out I met right here on this blog about 8 years ago. So I guess in a sort of weird way this blog that I have always claimed was much cheaper than professional therapy, did more than allow me to vent my frustrations and save my sanity... It also gave me a friend who saved me from a stupidity that there was no coming back from.

And that's how a this twangy southern girl wound up in Oregon.

Statistics

RAINN...which stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network has stated that someone is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes. Just think about that for a minute...EVERY two minutes. And while I suppose the majority of the victims are females.....they aren't always.....nor are they always adult.

RAINN also states that 54% of all rapes are NOT reported to authorities (or sometimes anyone). Out of those reported one in four will lead to an arrest. Out of those arrests only ONE out of four will lead to a felony conviction. The fact is...that out of 100 sexual assaults...97 rapists will never ever be punished for their actions.

RAINN states that this sends a clear message that if you commit this crime you can and most likely it seems will get away with it. But I think it also sends a message to the victims....one that says remain silent.

I thought I would be many things in my life...a statistic was not one of them.

Grace vs Gravity

Gravity thou art a bitch....


Isaac Newton may have decided to point out and define the obvious...."what goes up must come down". But personally speaking, I tend to prove his theories on a regular basis. Most recently in fact after taking a backwards fall from some stairs. I am now a semi immobile example of what happens when Newtons Laws are put into practice. And just in case you were wondering, the falling part wasn't so bad, but the landing however, not as great. I believe its the abrupt stop you come to against the hard ground that has to suck the most.

I think back to childhood and all my moms hopes for having a child who was not only smart but also excelled in coordination and grace. She stuck me in dance classes, gymnastics and softball etc.....All with hopes of seeing her little girl....well.... keep up at the very least, if not excel.

I think excelling was a bit too much to ask for. At times keeping up seemed to be to much to hope for too. But I went out there and I gave it my best shot and I didn't always fall down on my most prominent feature and embarrass myself or my family. Not that my mom would have ever admitted to being embarrassed by my two left feet and lack of balance. But I know as hard as she tried to encourage me to get up brush myself off and get my all to bruised derriere back out there and keep trying, she must have had hopes it was something Id grow out of eventually. Sorry mom...it didn't happen.

Normally I wouldn't mind a few days guilt free vacation (Doctors orders) to lay in bed and catch up on my reading and sleep. Especially since I haven't been sleeping very well for the past few months. But after 5 days of basically laying around unable to move, and a few more days of hopping around one legged, I'm really over the joy of immobile bed rest. The thrill is gone.

I have slept way to much due to some Doctor prescribed medications ... I'm all slept out. I have watched more TV in the past week than I have watched in the past year and I have read at least a half dozen books. To be honest I am going out of what little mind I have. I need activity, something to keep my mind and body busy. The quiet time I normally would have enjoyed and looked forward to has become more a deafening silence that gives me to much time to over think everything in my life. Something that I do not want to do right now. Mainly because I have no solid answers to any of my current questions.

So here I am. On my blog once again...my own little slice of therapy. Venting a little, feeling a bit edgy and restless and wondering whats going to happen next? I guess I just stand up one more time and keep moving forward one left foot in front of the other and figure it out as I go. At least until my next trip and fall from grace.

Tuesday

Maybe it's a sign.....

The rain has stopped and the air is cool but comfortable... The sky is this vivid cloudless blue and the air smells fresh and clean.

It's a good day and when I left school instead of going home I just kept going. Out of the city in no particular direction or destination...I just drove. It felt good. The window down, the music on and just leaving all the familar landmarks behind me.

I realized the farther I went the more I was smiling and the better I felt. It's not the same feeling this time as all the other times I've wanted to run away from home over the past year or so. It wasn't like that. I don't even know if I can put the reason why it felt so good into words.

Maybe it's a combination of things, all the random right conditions to make just driving no where feel perfect. It's days like this I can almost feel hopeful.

I'm trying to finish the things Ive started here so I can go forward with the next step in my life with a clean slate.

I still feel regrets when I look back over the mistakes and time wasted over the past year or so. But maybe that's just how it's supposed to be? Maybe it's important to feel pain or sadness for your screw ups. Maybe that's just one of the consequences of making mistakes you have to live with. Maybe those kinds of marks heal slower so you will remember them.

I honestly don't know, but what I do know is that today I feel lighter. I feel like maybe there are possibilties and good things out there waiting for me. I'm becoming excited to see what they might be and to see how I'll turn out.

Today is just a normal Tursday but right now it feels peaceful and perfect.

Becoming Me

I have written and rewritten this post numerous times. Each time choosing not to publish it until now.

After reading the words I'd written and thinking of the frame of mind I was in at several points while writing, I think it was probably the right decision.

I've gone through my own personal downward spiral of sorts in the last few months. I indulged or maybe a better word would be wallowed in some self pity, a wee bit of self loathing, a good deal of anger...directed at my family, my friends and most especially at myself...then finally moving on to numbness and a sadness I couldn't seem to get a hold of.

If someone had died I'd almost think I was moving through the stages of grief. And maybe in truth there is in part a death of sorts happening inside me. I've had to look at myself a little closer. I've had to rethink a few of the truths I had believed about myself and I realized that I don't like all I see. I've had to be honest with myself and admit that I'm not exactly the person I thought I was.

The good news is I'm not a totally worthless human being. But I'm finding that it's far to easy to dwell on all the mistakes Ive made and continue to indulge in guilt and anger as well as feeling sorry for myself. Which I know ultimately is a pointless exercise.

I am used to being my own worst critic, so it's very easy for me to slip into those above feelings and be caught up in them. But what does that type of thinking or behavior prove? What problems will it solve or what positive action will result from it?

I think the answer is that it solves nothing. While it's true in one aspect it might give me a better understanding of my mistakes so I don't repeat them....so I suppose it could possibly be seen as a positive in that way. Overall it isn't anything but a deep bitterness that not only holds you down but eats you up over time.

EE Cumings said "It takes alot of courage to grow up and be who you really are".

I think he's right it does. I am starting to realize how hard it can be to just be true to yourself. To be who you are deep down to your bones and not just a reflection of what others want you to be.

Henry Frederick Emile said "Learn to be what you are, and learn to resign with good grace all that you are not"

This is a lesson I haven't quite mastered. But still a valuable one to learn I think. I need to realize I'm not always going to be the good person I might imagine or wish myself to be. I make mistakes. I have hang ups and sometimes make some really bad choices.

Some might say that it's normal and human to do this. I would agree it is. But I used to believe that good intentions were the most important thing. Because as long as I was trying to be a good person, trying to live a decent, honest life, trying to be genuine and sincere with others that's what counted most.

Now I realize while those things do matter they don't absolve or erase wrongs done. Those actions are what they are. They have consequences and they stand alone. You can't repair or fix them with good intentions or other good acts. All you can do in truth is feel a remorse and hopefully learn something so you don't repeat them.

I don't know who said this one but I can relate to it....."There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads... afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our lives. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back"

I have spent far to much time in my life pulling back and or digging in. It was wasted time. Fear of failure, or rejection or disapproval by those that mean something to you is a hard thing to over come. Maybe that's where the courage comes in. Maybe you have to face forward and keep going no matter how afraid you might be to fall.

Nathaniel Hawthorne said "No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true".

I'm finding out first hand how true this is. It's very hard and exhausting always trying to be what others want or expect you to be. Especially when you know deep inside you it's not real. If that kind of mask is worn long enough I think you really do forget and start to lose track of which face is the real you. I think you have to be brave and expose yourself to the world. The real you and not allow fear of being different hold you back.

EE Cummings also said "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best night and day to make you everyone else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight. Never stop fighting".

I know I'm not unique here. I know that I'm not the first person to feel like this or struggle. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever caved in to the wishes of family, peers or what is considered the societal norm ....So no this isn't some new revelation. I guess I just realize more than ever that I have choices to make. Life is short. I have one chance to live today. So I can revel in my individuality....I can explore this person I feel inside me. Or I can conform. I can blend in. I can become invisible.

I know this isn't one of those choices you make and once made it's done. I think this is a daily walk out into the world conscious act. I think you have to be self aware and work at it. You have to fight to keep on track.

Sometimes I think during the course of normal life we get shown things that will make us better if we pay attention and take action. And sometimes we find out we have to rethink and change the course we are on.

Mick Jagger said "You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need"

I have to agree.