The Deep End Of The Pool

Grace vs Gravity

2010-11-07T14:57:00.008-05:00

Gravity thou art a bitch....

Isaac Newton may have decided to point out and define the obvious...."what goes up must come down". But personally speaking, I tend to prove his theories on a regular basis. Most recently in fact after taking a backwards fall from some stairs. I am now a semi immobile example of what happens when Newtons Laws are put into practice. And just in case you were wondering, the falling part wasn't so bad, but the landing however, not as great. I believe its the abrupt stop you come to against the hard ground that has to suck the most.

I think back to childhood and all my moms hopes for having a child who was not only smart but also excelled in coordination and grace. She stuck me in dance classes, gymnastics and softball etc.....All with hopes of seeing her little girl....well.... keep up at the very least, if not excel.

I think excelling was a bit too much to ask for. At times keeping up seemed to be to much to hope for too. But I went out there and I gave it my best shot and I didn't always fall down on my most prominent feature and embarrass myself or my family. Not that my mom would have ever admitted to being embarrassed by my two left feet and lack of balance. But I know as hard as she tried to encourage me to get up brush myself off and get my all to bruised derriere back out there and keep trying, she must have had hopes it was something Id grow out of eventually. Sorry mom...it didn't happen.

Normally I wouldn't mind a few days guilt free vacation (Doctors orders) to lay in bed and catch up on my reading and sleep. Especially since I haven't been sleeping very well for the past few months. But after 5 days of basically laying around unable to move, and a few more days of hopping around one legged, I'm really over the joy of immobile bed rest. The thrill is gone.

I have slept way to much due to some Doctor prescribed medications ... I'm all slept out. I have watched more TV in the past week than I have watched in the past year and I have read at least a half dozen books. To be honest I am going out of what little mind I have. I need activity, something to keep my mind and body busy. The quiet time I normally would have enjoyed and looked forward to has become more a deafening silence that gives me to much time to over think everything in my life. Something that I do not want to do right now. Mainly because I have no solid answers to any of my current questions.

So here I am. On my blog once again...my own little slice of therapy. Venting a little, feeling a bit edgy and restless and wondering whats going to happen next? I guess I just stand up one more time and keep moving forward one left foot in front of the other and figure it out as I go. At least until my next trip and fall from grace.

Tuesday

2010-02-23T12:23:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's a sign.....

The rain has stopped and the air is cool but comfortable... The sky is this vivid cloudless blue and the air smells fresh and clean.

It's a good day and when I left school instead of going home I just kept going. Out of the city in no particular direction or destination...I just drove. It felt good. The window down, the music on and just leaving all the familar landmarks behind me.

I realized the farther I went the more I was smiling and the better I felt. It's not the same feeling this time as all the other times I've wanted to run away from home over the past year or so. It wasn't like that. I don't even know if I can put the reason why it felt so good into words.

Maybe it's a combination of things, all the random right conditions to make just driving no where feel perfect. It's days like this I can almost feel hopeful.

I'm trying to finish the things Ive started here so I can go forward with the next step in my life with a clean slate.

I still feel regrets when I look back over the mistakes and time wasted over the past year or so. But maybe that's just how it's supposed to be? Maybe it's important to feel pain or sadness for your screw ups. Maybe that's just one of the consequences of making mistakes you have to live with. Maybe those kinds of marks heal slower so you will remember them.

I honestly don't know, but what I do know is that today I feel lighter. I feel like maybe there are possibilties and good things out there waiting for me. I'm becoming excited to see what they might be and to see how I'll turn out.

Today is just a normal Tursday but right now it feels peaceful and perfect.

Becoming Me

2010-02-17T18:22:00.004-05:00

I have written and rewritten this post numerous times. Each time choosing not to publish it until now.

After reading the words I'd written and thinking of the frame of mind I was in at several points while writing, I think it was probably the right decision.

I've gone through my own personal downward spiral of sorts in the last few months. I indulged or maybe a better word would be wallowed in some self pity, a wee bit of self loathing, a good deal of anger...directed at my family, my friends and most especially at myself...then finally moving on to numbness and a sadness I couldn't seem to get a hold of.

If someone had died I'd almost think I was moving through the stages of grief. And maybe in truth there is in part a death of sorts happening inside me. I've had to look at myself a little closer. I've had to rethink a few of the truths I had believed about myself and I realized that I don't like all I see. I've had to be honest with myself and admit that I'm not exactly the person I thought I was.

The good news is I'm not a totally worthless human being. But I'm finding that it's far to easy to dwell on all the mistakes Ive made and continue to indulge in guilt and anger as well as feeling sorry for myself. Which I know ultimately is a pointless exercise.

I am used to being my own worst critic, so it's very easy for me to slip into those above feelings and be caught up in them. But what does that type of thinking or behavior prove? What problems will it solve or what positive action will result from it?

I think the answer is that it solves nothing. While it's true in one aspect it might give me a better understanding of my mistakes so I don't repeat them....so I suppose it could possibly be seen as a positive in that way. Overall it isn't anything but a deep bitterness that not only holds you down but eats you up over time.

EE Cumings said "It takes alot of courage to grow up and be who you really are".

I think he's right it does. I am starting to realize how hard it can be to just be true to yourself. To be who you are deep down to your bones and not just a reflection of what others want you to be.

Henry Frederick Emile said "Learn to be what you are, and learn to resign with good grace all that you are not"

This is a lesson I haven't quite mastered. But still a valuable one to learn I think. I need to realize I'm not always going to be the good person I might imagine or wish myself to be. I make mistakes. I have hang ups and sometimes make some really bad choices.

Some might say that it's normal and human to do this. I would agree it is. But I used to believe that good intentions were the most important thing. Because as long as I was trying to be a good person, trying to live a decent, honest life, trying to be genuine and sincere with others that's what counted most.

Now I realize while those things do matter they don't absolve or erase wrongs done. Those actions are what they are. They have consequences and they stand alone. You can't repair or fix them with good intentions or other good acts. All you can do in truth is feel a remorse and hopefully learn something so you don't repeat them.

I don't know who said this one but I can relate to it....."There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads... afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our lives. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back"

I have spent far to much time in my life pulling back and or digging in. It was wasted time. Fear of failure, or rejection or disapproval by those that mean something to you is a hard thing to over come. Maybe that's where the courage comes in. Maybe you have to face forward and keep going no matter how afraid you might be to fall.

Nathaniel Hawthorne said "No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true".

I'm finding out first hand how true this is. It's very hard and exhausting always trying to be what others want or expect you to be. Especially when you know deep inside you it's not real. If that kind of mask is worn long enough I think you really do forget and start to lose track of which face is the real you. I think you have to be brave and expose yourself to the world. The real you and not allow fear of being different hold you back.

EE Cummings also said "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best night and day to make you everyone else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight. Never stop fighting".

I know I'm not unique here. I know that I'm not the first person to feel like this or struggle. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever caved in to the wishes of family, peers or what is considered the societal norm ....So no this isn't some new revelation. I guess I just realize more than ever that I have choices to make. Life is short. I have one chance to live today. So I can revel in my individuality....I can explore this person I feel inside me. Or I can conform. I can blend in. I can become invisible.

I know this isn't one of those choices you make and once made it's done. I think this is a daily walk out into the world conscious act. I think you have to be self aware and work at it. You have to fight to keep on track.

Sometimes I think during the course of normal life we get shown things that will make us better if we pay attention and take action. And sometimes we find out we have to rethink and change the course we are on.

Mick Jagger said "You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need"

I have to agree.

The Holidays 2009

2010-01-01T21:24:00.011-05:00

Q) What do you get when you cross a strong willed perfectionist with an alcoholic substance abuser?

A) You get a child who is never satisfied with anything she does... who never feels quite good enough.....who bends over backwards to pacify and please others.

I spent my Christmas alone this year. By my own choice. I know...I shouldn't even be allowed to complain right? I mean a lot of people do that every year...they have no choice. They have no family or friends and are essentially alone in the world. So why should I have the right to complain or feel sad about this choice I made....I shouldn't. But I do.

I admit...I am feeling weary, beaten down and at the end of my rope. I do love my family, my mom has done a lot for me, sacrificed a lot to help me get to where I am now. But at times I feel so much pressure to be this person she wants me to be. And my father....well hes an alcoholic who is very skilled at guilting me.

I suppose all substance abusers are similar. If you grow up with them you learn certain behaviors that become a part of who you are. Like trying to cover up what they do..... you hide it from friends or others. You do this in part because you're ashamed and in part because you feel the need to take care of them. You sort of look out for them and that means keeping things looking normal...at least from the outside.

My dads family who knows what he is but never speaks of it openly, seems to expect me to suck it up. They seem to feel I should just accept or over look his behavior and the way that it makes me feel. They constantly ask me questions about my fathers health or his life that I have no answers to. They comment about how they rarely see me or hear from me and how I am not at enough family gatherings.

But do they ever once ask me why I'm not there? Whats happening that keeps me away? I'm not a heartless person. But I'm not a masochist either...Why would I continue to subject myself to situations that only cause me pain?

I suppose to an outsiders point of view it should be an easy choice right? The person or persons in question make you miserable so you write them off. But when that person is a parent its not that simple or that black and white.

Yes, I am an adult. I don't blame my parents or my childhood for the woman I am or the choices or mistakes I make. I realize that these are things I have to take responsibility for. This is my life...And yet....I cant seem to say no to these people. I wind up bending and even breaking to do things their way, even when their way twists my stomach up in knots.

So this year...after having to turn down plans with friends for the holidays that might have really been fun and made me happy in favor of other plans with my family, that I agreed to not because I wanted to so much, but because I didn't have the backbone to say no......I wound up spending the time alone anyway.

I am alone a lot since I moved to this city ...But when you go to school full time and work full time that rarely leaves time to do much of anything outside of sleeping....and while Im ok with being alone most of the time....frequently I still do feel lonely. But this was more than that....this felt like being hollow...empty inside.

The day after Christmas in an act of desperation...I even went to a place that I consider almost hell on earth...I went to the mall. I wasn't there to shop. I bought myself a coffee...sat on a bench and just watched people. The place was packed with after Christmas bargain shoppers and the roar of the all the voices was like white noise....it was nice to just drown out the thoughts that had been buzzing around in my head. For alittle while I didnt think about the guilt I was feeling about my family and my friends that I didn't and wouldn't see for the holidays.

I sat there and looked at the kids with the dreads down their back and wondered how long had it taken them to get them so long.... and the guy who had these really cool tattoos and I wondered what the story was behind them or was it just his art or the tiny girl who had purple streaks in her hair and who's clothes were sort of gothed out, I really liked her dress and watching her I realized I miss black nail polish..... then there were the moms and dads with kids of all ages or the people who were more preppy college types. I just watched them all and started wondering what these people were like in person and what their lives were like. I tried to imagine myself being friends with any of them...and I realized I probably could. That even the ones who were really unlike me on the outside might be the coolest most interesting ones to know. I wondered how it would feel to just be able to step away from my life and start a new one some place else.

But I am told that its not about your geographical location....its about finding a place inside you that you can live in and be happy. Maybe so...but still...what if?

Hello World

2009-01-25T16:27:00.006-05:00

Yes I know its been awhile. I'm sorry Ive neglected you. So how are you? Hows the family? Read any good books lately? Heard any music that has your heart pumping? What do you think about whats going on in the world right now?

In case you wondered, I'm doing fine. Still in school and on the deans list. Or I was until I hit a small academic pot hole called Math. It has been suggested that I might be mathematically challenged if you can believe that. But I'm not going to allow this to slow down my forward momentum...I feel fairly confident that given enough time and chocolate I will conquer this minor set back as well.

I did have a small epiphany of sorts...I just realized how now being mentally ready for school has made such a huge difference in the way I view the entire process. I know now that I made the right choice to wait. Had I started a couple of years ago, I might be farther along with my goals...But I don't think I would have gotten as much out of the experience as I am now.

I just recently had to purchase a new laptop. My old one, my favorite piece of technology and good friend to me, finally died a quick and silent death. Please observe a moment of silence now....May it rest in peace.

The new laptop is OK...but its new. I haven't quite gotten used to the foreign feeling of the key board..or the sounds it makes..and it has windows VISTA! I have to tell you, this was not a selling point in its favor. I do not care for this new version. In fact I will go as far as to say it BITES. However, I will concede that possibly the ill feelings I have for this Operating System are due to me being a creature of habit who enjoys the familiar. Not that I cant adapt to change..I can and I guess I will. But its not a change I would have taken willingly. So DAMN YOU Bill Gates! If its not broke stop trying to fix it.

On a national note...Gas prices have decreased along with interest rates...which would be a wonderful thing by themselves. Unfortunately in this case its merely a sign that our economy is sick and circling the bowl. Which in turn makes for a weaker dollar and a weaker nation....SO that sound you hear..that gurgle...that's the sound of our nation choking. And I'm not sure what it will take to breath life back into to it.

Yes I know...Its time for a change. Isn't that the mantra of the day? Well maybe it is time for changes to be made. Perhaps its time to do some house cleaning and get rid of the old school way of conducting business. And it seems as though the the vast majority seem to think since we have been free thinking and open enough as a nation to finally elect the first black American into the highest office this country can offer that we are all on the right track to make those changes. I'm not so sure.

I have many concerns about our new leader and I wont deny I didn't care for him as a candidate for president. I will concede that he has a charismatic way of speaking that draws people in...I'm just not quite convinced he is who he has portrayed himself to be. I have concerns that he like most others before him have spun a public persona that was intended to win the support of the public and get him into the oval office. Which worked...so what happens now?

I am not like so many others who would like to see him crash and burn. I don't want this because ultimately I know if he fails...then we as a country will fail too. And I want our country to recover and thrive. But I worry that to many see him as the political equivalent of the messiah...someone who will walk on water and turn the water into wine. I am concerned that we are putting to much emphasis on the fact he is a black man. As if this is going to change what he can do for us as a nation. I am concerned that this fact alone is a double edge sword. On one hand there will be those who put him under a microscope to dissect his every move in minute detail...and wait to pounce on each mistake. And then there will be those who think he can do no wrong and will make allowances and excuses for any bad behavior or wrong choice.

I am not blind to the historical significance of it all. But I am not swayed by the color of the mans skin either. Show me you can do the job. Show me you are a man of character. Then Ill support you all the way. But I have to be honest..so far you haven't shown me much in either of those departments. But I will wait and see like everyone else and hope for the best.

His choice of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State didn't do much to sway me in his favor. He tapped a woman who not only has the most minimal experience and expertise internationally.....But also a woman who claimed she was met with sniper fire during her trip to Bosnia....when in fact the only thing she was greeted with was a small child with a flower. Her retelling of that story repetitively during her campaigning shows me she is not an honest individual. Not that I ever thought she was. But do we want someone like that as our Secretary of State?

I have to also wonder if this promotion was in anyway a response to Ms Clinton bringing her support and those voters that would have followed her to the Obama side of ticket? Washington has always been a city of favors done and favors given. We will see.

Dating, Sex and Singleness

2008-08-23T21:44:00.010-04:00

I have no reason to complain...and this isn't really a complaint....more just thoughts written down.

Here I am almost 22. After a little struggle and much procrastination, Ive figured out a plan for my life. Well maybe not my entire life, but at least this part of it.

This year Ive moved from the parents house to a place of my own in a new city. Ive begun a new job...(one only meant to pay the bills and put a little cash in my pockets while in school) and was promoted soon after I began. Which while the job itself and the promotion isn't a huge deal....it will put a few more dollars in my weekly paychecks and that's always a good thing. I began going to a new University. I'm still in the early stages of my chosen program, but so far I'm making straight A's. Ive gotten a new puppy a few months ago...who at this moment is completely house broken and as it turns out is pretty smart. Everyone who meets him seems to fall in love with him, and that's sort of cool. Ive got some really great roommates we get along very well...and a small circle of close friends near and far that I'm grateful for. The parents have backed off a great deal, letting me stand on my own...but still remain supportive. That all in itself is a nice change.

So all in all...I'm moving in what could be considered a positive forward motion right? So why do I still feel so restless?

Ive never felt the need to follow the crowd, not being one of those type people who have to do it because everyone of my friends are doing it. But I have to admit when I look around and see people all around me in serious relationships, it makes me feel a little envious.

Ive never had a problem being single. Ive always been OK with being on my own and never felt the need to have to be dating someone continuously. Ive never felt the need to have an escort each time I go out. And its not even that I'm in envy of a certain situation or individual couple. I guess its just that, I am reminded of what it felt like to have someone significant in my life. To have that feeling of closeness and connection with another person. I think that's what I'm missing.

But since I'm not dating and haven't been for well over a year or so....it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where I'm going wrong does it? Girl wants someone in her life, so girl needs to date in order to find that someone who fits that life. Seems so simple and its generally how its done I'm told. The thing is I don't feel like the situations or people out there make me feel like I want to take that step.

A long distance friend of mine and I were talking and he made the statement that he couldn't understand why I wasn't being pursued or asked out. He asked if there was something wrong with American guys? No...there isn't I guess...I suppose they are probably like guys anywhere. And I told him that it wasn't a case of not being asked...it was more one of me not accepting those invitations. So the fact that I am in this situation at all is of my own making. I know this...and again I'm not complaining.

But I do wonder if maybe I'm just backwards in my thinking. Maybe its not my situation, but my expectations of what I want that are off base. I used to think that if I were patient and waited, it would just happen on its own. But now I'm honestly not so sure. What if I'm wrong?

Ive always believed you cant go out and replace someone you were in love with. It doesn't work that way. You cant fill a void left by one person by trying to recreate that feeling with another. (or at least I cant) And a lot of times it feels as though people want to hurry to quickly into making a serious relationship out of an early infatuation. They barely know someone before they are professing their love and talking of a future. How can you say the words "I love you" to someone you barely know? Most of the time you haven't had enough time to find out if you can even like them long term let alone love them. Isn't love something you discover about them as time goes on and you see who they are?

Not to mention, Do I really want a guy who tells each and every girl he dates hes in love with her? How then can I be sure that if and when he says it to me it is different or that I am different to him than all the others that came before me? And if you say those words to everyone you date doesn't it lessen their importance and significance? It seems as if it would almost desensitise the real value of what that all is supposed to mean.

Then there is sex. Not something I'm opposed to. But not something I feel I want to do with each guy I go on a date with either. Although that does seem to be the way its done now. Its seen as just sex, and isn't supposed to be more or mean more than that....The thing is....if I don't care enough about you to be able to say I love you to you, then how can I share the rest of myself with you? Maybe it boils down to not thinking it out that far"? Maybe I'm not supposed to be thinking of what the consequences or where it goes after...just of enjoying the moment? Is it all just live and let live?

And I have to wonder....if I abandon my previous thinking...and I just follow the new tide...will I really find what it is I really want. Which is something real, that feeling...that connection that one person who knows me inside and out.

One day several months ago the same friend who had asked me about dating and I were having one of those really great talks about anything and everything...And out of the blue he gave me a really great compliment....He said "You know Jen, you really are an exceptional girl, really very genuine". Knowing him, I'm sure he didn't mean anything significant by saying this...it was just a simple observation during the course of one conversation. But to me it meant a lot. Because in a world where it sometimes feels more important as to what I am...he maybe every so briefly saw who I am.

And who knows....if he could see something....maybe someone else will take the time to as well.

License To Procreate

2008-08-10T19:38:00.004-04:00

I posted last about a 47 year old father who thought it would be a good idea to provide his 15 year old son with some heavy duty prescription drugs, because he felt he needed to teach his son how to "party right" His son later died of accidental overdose.

The suggestion was made that maybe we need to require someone to have a license to be able to become a parent? We are required to have licenses for a great many other things in life. Things like driving a car, getting married, practicing medicine, selling alcohol, carrying a gun....even cutting hair or owning a pet requires a license.

So when it comes to something as important as raising a child into a healthy adult should we need a license for that too?

I SAY NO!

I will be the first to say that stories like the one above, where parents are clearly not parenting. They make me angry, beyond angry. I think if you want to screw up your life as an adult. SO be it..go for it. You wont be alone, there will be plenty of other losers out there in the world who are also tossing their lives away just like you are to keep you company. At least until you are useless to them....because people like that are usually only there as long as the party lasts...after that they are vapor.

But when there is a kid involved. Then, its no longer OK. It doesn't matter what you want. It only matters whats best for your child. END OF STORY.

But does this mean that a license to be a parent is the answer?

NO, I don't think it is.

First of all, its not the job of the government to guide us as parents nor should they dictate to us whether we can become parents. And if we do give them that sort of control, then what? Do they then also tell us what type of discipline we can administer as parents? Do they get to tell us what programs our children can view, what movies and music, what time they have to be in bed at night, what type of foods they can or cant eat? OK maybe that sounds a bit extreme. But the point its its not a governments job to raise our kids. Its OUR job and we need to start taking it more seriously.

Lets go one step further.....who is going to make sure this license system is enforced? Do we have parent police then? Do we stop new parents at the hospital doors and ask....let me see your license before you can take your child home? Do we deny patient care for pregnant women who cant prove they have the proper paper work?

Then we also have to ask...HOW DO WE MONITOR SEXUAL ACTIVITY? Because bottom line..that's what we are talking about here. We have to have a way to keep people from reproducing before they are able to be licensed to do so. Is that really the way we want this to go?

It was said that children are treated as property.....No children aren't property. But to consider giving ANYONE but the parent the right to determine what is or isn't best for their child isn't a good idea either. Government isn't the answer for every ill we suffer in society.....We shouldn't be making more laws or rules we dont have the means to enforce.

It all comes down to a question of adult responsibility doesn't it? For those parents who cant be bothered to pay attention to where your kids are or what they are doing.....who think its better to be your kids pal, or party buddy....... Put down the beer in your hand get off your lazy butts and realize that you are the one who is supposed to be setting the example for your kids. Its time to raise the bar instead of sitting in one, its time to start being adults....to stop being the big spoiled, irresponsible, self centered children in adults clothing.

Grow the hell up, your kids actually need you.

Better to be Raised by Wolves

2008-08-03T14:46:00.011-04:00

I honestly believe some people would have been better off being raised by wolves. This is a good example of such a situation.

A 47 year old father and I use the term "father" loosely...since it only applies to the mans biology and not his parenting skills....A 47 year old father gave his 15 year old son some powerful prescription drugs because he wanted to show the boy how to "party right".

This genius who was arrested on Friday is now being charged with third degree murder in the death of his son who died of an accidental overdose in June. According to witnesses the "father" had showed his son how to crush up and snort pills like oxycodone and the heroin substitute methadone.

What an incredible father-son bonding moment that must have been. How proud he must be knowing he was able to show his 15 year old son how to party like a rock star right before he died.

The father who had originally told police he kept those medications locked up so no one could get to them was caught on tape later telling another story to his sons friends....where he said he admittedly gave the drugs to his son to teach him how to party.

I realize that there are certain criteria that they follow to determine the degree of murder a person is charged with....But I say this guy is being cut to much slack. I think third degree murder is too good for him. IN FACT....this is one of those situations I say we forgo the trial formality completely and just strap him in a chair and throw the switch. In fact in this particular case Id volunteer to do it.

Maybe that might sound harsh to some...But this is the way I see it. You come into this world not of your own making. Your PARENTS choices are what bring you into being. At the moment of birth you are still given no choices of your own...You are still completely dependant on your parents for your care and your total survival. It is they you count on for food, shelter and protection from the outside world. But when a parent betrays that by abusing the child, verbally, sexually, physically or morally...then at that point the parent is no better than the monsters that they are supposed to be keeping at bay.

I realize that some people might have had less than idyllic childhoods....BUT there does come a point in time where you have to become an adult, making adult choices and no longer blame your parents poor choices for the person you have chosen to be......However at 15 you still don't yet have all the skills it takes to make those choices.

This man doesn't deserve mercy. I have none for him. And if there is a hell I hope he rots in it.

The Separation Of Church And Sex

2008-07-28T20:10:00.012-04:00

I admit its been a while since Ive been to church. So its quite possible things have changed a bit since my last visit. I was raised mostly by Southern Baptists who as a rule frown on any type of activity that might be considered fun. Which pretty much rules out everything except for the occasional fried chicken dinner.

I do know that while I was going on a regular basis, I don't recall the subject of sex ever being discussed. Unless maybe it was in reference to one of the "Thou Shalt Nots"...or the random bible story. So imagine my surprise when I read an article about several churches across the country openly speaking to their congregants about sex. Not just speaking to them.....but encouraging open discussion about topics such as oral sex, full body massage and the joys of role play.

(These people obviously aren't Southern Baptists)

The clergy who are involved in opening up these discussions state that having a strong united faith as a couple isn't enough. That a good sexual connection is just as important to the health and strength of the marriage. So they are encouraging their congregations to not just have sex, but to have lots of it.

(Do I hear an amen on this one?)

These same church's further promote this type of open discussion by holding seminars about these topics, using biblical dialogue such as Genesis 2:24 which says "A man shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be of one flesh" to illustrate this thinking. With names for their seminars like The 30 Day Sex Challenge " or "The 40 Nights of Grrreat Sex" couples were given daily planners, where a typical week would be as follows:

"Sun: Worship together"

"Mon: Give your wife a full body massage"

"Tues: Quickie in any room besides the bedroom"

"Wed: Pleasure your partner"

"Thurs: Read 1 Corinthians 7 --How can I please you more?" ........... and so on and so on.

Now I'm not sure what to think about this new open thinking happening in church. I do agree that a couple needs to be on the same page with a lot of issues such as...money, faith, family and of course sex. And YES I completely agree that a strong and healthy intimate relationship makes a couple closer and maybe better able to relate to each other about the day to day issues.

But I'm not sure Id feel comfortable speaking to my minister about the most personal intimate details of my life....The thought of that talk just creeps me out. Of course that could be the Southern Baptist "anything fun is sinful" coming out in me. *grin*

Having said that, I have to say that had there been a few of these sorts of talks in church when I was going...it would have made all those hours of sitting on those hard wooden pews a little more bearable......

Throw in a little chocolate with that...and you wouldn't have been able to pry me out of church with a crowbar.

Can I get an Amen?

*smile*

Environmentally Incorrect

2008-07-07T17:01:00.005-04:00

"So kill the polar bears and nuke the penguins? That's your plan Jen"?

NOOOOO...don't be silly... of course not. I have no issues with the polar bears...But I think you give me far too much credit for having the kind of power it takes to "NUKE" something......If I were going to nuke the penguins, I would have done so when that annoying movie Happy Feet came out. Unless.... when you say "nuke" you are referring to act of microwaving. Then who knows, maybe with the right dipping sauce and side dishes.......I bet they'd taste yummy, just like chicken.

Maybe I am a little environmentally incorrect. So what...get over it! It doesn't mean that I don't care about the world around me. I do understand we only have one planet..and our survival is dependant on the planets survival. I can understand the balance created by the food chain...and I realize that if we knock the stool out from under ourselves by destroying those smaller links in the chain...then we, those who are at the top of that same food chain will be the ones left twisting in the wind.

I was raised in a small rural farming community. Ive seen many examples through out my life of what we get from this planet and what it means to be responsible for it. Growing up most of my friends were country kids who worked on family farms for summer jobs...Picking or planting peanuts, watermelon and tobacco. I know some of our local farmers have even been honored on a national level for using farming practices that are not only land friendly but provide habitat to local wild life. My grand parents have always had a huge vegetable garden and put up (canned) everything they grow. I have been lucky to be able to experience and see first hand what it means to conserve and value what you get from the land.

So YES I get it. I understand that conservation is not just a question of what we WANT to do but what we NEED to do.

Having said that, I also know growing up the way I have, in a small rural community where the economy can be sometimes rather slow, that most of us don't have unlimited resources. That most families live paycheck to paycheck. While being environmentally conscious is obviously desirable..its not always economically practical. And economics is the biggest motivator of change. Like it or not..that is the way it is.

We as people might feel a tug at our hearts when we see those polar bears...or the rain forests being burned...But those are only images for most people and day to day are out of sight out of mind. The things that get to us on a daily basis are those things we are forced to deal with because they are a part of our lives, such as the rising cost at the gas pumps. When you are already living a life where every dollar is spoken for...that can leave you with little to no room left to move.

So even though our social conscience might be telling us that being environmentally friendly is the best way to go, We still have to ask ourselves is it economically realistic? How many people can really afford Hybrid cars? Yes they are better for the environment...but out of the eight or so manufactures that currently have a hybrid available....only two are under $20,000. dollars. That means most are out of the price range of average families. And what about those new "green" light bulbs....Sure they will cut down on the amount of energy required to use them, thus maybe saving a little money long term. But the cost to upgrade to these new bulbs isn't done cheaply. Bulbs cost an average of $30 each, multiply that by say a 6 to 10 light fixtures or lamps per home. In my home alone I counted 9 which equaled a cost of $ 270. That might not seem like much to some, but when times are tight..which they are for a great many people....things such as light bulbs that aren't a necessity can be done without.

Which brings me to another point....when those same bulbs burn out...and they eventually do. You cant just dispose of them like other bulbs. They contain mercury...and have to be disposed of accordingly. To me it makes little sense to create something that is more energy efficient...and environmentally friendlier to use...and then make it out of materials that will eventually be toxic to dispose of?

I'm sure there are those who wont agree with me on this, but its seems to me like this is a simple math problem. A family only gets X number of dollars each month. Each of those dollars is allocated to certain basic needs.....food, clothing, mortgages or rent, utility bills, car payments, insurances, medical expenses....etc. Just the normal things that the average family has to deal with. When the cost of gas rises...its not just about what it costs to a family to drive. Doesn't it also increase the cost of food and clothing and many other products? Which could mean that same family going without some of the basics let alone being able to afford any of the extras that they want.

So maybe it seems environmentally incorrect of me to focus less on the land and animals who inhabit this planet with us and more on the economic and political side of what it means to rid ourselves of our addiction to fossil fuels. But I feel if you want people to care enough to take action and make real significant changes quickly....then it has to be about the things they deal with and relate to in their day to day lives.

Breaking The Ties That Bind US

2008-06-24T19:08:00.004-04:00

I will be the first to admit I am a slave to fossil fuels. I drive therefore I must endure that rising cost of gas. Obviously no one enjoys paying more at the gas pumps, I know I certainly don't. But is the answer to this problem more drilling?

It has been suggested that we now re think our stand on future oil wells in Alaska and off shore in the Gulf of Mexico. The reasoning behind this of course is that it will give some relief to the American consumer at the gas pump, But will it really?

I SAY NO! This isn't about jumping on the Al Gore green is clean band wagon. Its about economics and politics. We as a nation have become entirely too dependant on resources that we can only obtain in quantity from other countries. Countries that have governments who for the most part don't care for us as a nation or who's own government is unstable or in constant turmoil. And yet.....here we are continuing to pay the ever rising price to purchase the fuel we need from them. Does this make any sense to anyone?

Yes I admit we do need this fuel to function, but being at the mercy of the current suppliers to fill those needs isn't in our best interests long term. And isn't that what we should be looking at here the long term bigger picture?

Fossil fuels while plentiful in other parts of the world are not so in this country. And this is not a renewable resource...so once its gone its gone for good. The limited supplies still to be found in the United States are not enough to sustain our country's needs long term. And by the time we harvested this fuel, refined it and were actually able to make it available to the public the amount of help it would provide us economically would be extremely minimal at best. Amounting to only a few cents at the gas pumps.

Is a few penny's really worth possible harm to our environment? Again...this isn't about green is clean, tree hugging, kiss the polar bears thinking. But this is the place we live. If we screw it up we don't get a second chance...and where else would we go?

The fact is we want to become more independent as a country, then we need to break our need for fossil fuel. If we want to continue to have a clean living environment, we need to break our need for fossil fuel. If we want to reduce the costs and help our economy WE NEED TO BREAK OUR NEED OF FOSSIL FUELS. Does anyone see a pattern here?

Continued drilling in this country will only amount to providing a small band aid on much bigger issue. And its not even a band aid that will stop the bleeding. We need to look past the immediate wants and needs and look for a more long term solution to this problem.

We as a nation have some of the best minds in the world. We have a society and and a way of life that is rivaled by none. You can not tell me that a country as advanced and as great as this one can not come up with a better plan than that of Oil to fill the energy needs of our people. I'm sorry but I just don't buy it and neither should you.

So what as a voter, as consumer and as citizen of this country can we do about this. To be honest I don't know. It seems that as long as those in power want us to continue with the status quo...there is little we can do but ride it out. But for those who's concerns are more financially motivated and for those reasons alone do not wish to lose their grasp on Oil...I say this: There is money to be made in alternative energy sources for those willing to step outside the box and pioneer it.

As a nation and as a people it makes sense politically and economically to break these ties that bind us. Isn't it time that someone stepped up to the plate and said ENOUGH?

A Thong Gone Wrong...

2008-06-22T00:46:00.008-04:00

I have no problem with a woman wanting to feel sexy. In fact if you have the body for it.....and your comfortable with yourself.....wear whatever you like as far as under clothing goes. But please....please for the love of all that's holy......If you don't understand how to operate them...please leave them to those that do.

For those of you who might have missed it....Victoria's Secret is being sued by a 52 year old women who claims while putting on her thong...a metal piece from the underwear popped off hitting her in the eye causing damage to her cornea.

I realize that some intimate apparel out there can be a bit tricky to put on. There are hooks straps and zippers...etc. Sometimes knowing what goes where is a challenge. But I cant see how anyone can be confused on how to wear a thong. Especially the one she had issue with. The material in it is no bigger than a postage stamp...and the rest of it is only string. Its doesn't take a rocket scientist to put it on.

Besides if you have to stretch your thong so tightly that it becomes a sling shot, making the little rhinestone decorations deadly projectiles......You might want to rethink your underwear choices.

In a country where we now have to label everything because if we don't we get sued...I wonder how Victoria's going to handle this one....The warning label alone will be larger than the underwear its suppose to represent.

"WARNING....THIS UNDERWEAR MIGHT BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. So either keep your eyes closed or your big butt out of it".

While I'm sure its not the first time some of the Victoria's Secret underwear has caused vision issues.....Those were usually not associated with the person wearing the underwear. And in most of those cases you rarely hear about anyone complaining. However in this case...it seems to me more like its an owner/operator issue than a manufactures one.

I understand that today 50 is considered the new 40 and women are behaving and feeling younger. But this woman was older than my mom...who while I love her dearly, the thought of her wearing a thong is enough to send me to therapy for a very long time.

So Miss (whatever your name was).....do yourself a favor, go out and buy some sensible underwear...the right size......something without any sort of decorations that might at some point pop off,impaling you and cause some permanent damage. AND PLEASE stop blaming Victoria Secret for your screw up.

REMEMBER money is no substitute for love.......and after all the press your getting, I kind of doubt your going to be getting much of either.

Do Not Follow Blindly

2008-06-18T15:10:00.013-04:00

All I ask is that we do not behave like sheep. That we see the entire picture and then act accordingly. But we cannot do that if we don't have all the facts and cant see things from all sides. I make no secret of my dislike for Barack Obama as a candidate for the office of president. I don't want this man as our leader. I don't trust him. I think he has hidden agendas which do not and will not serve the American people.

And contrary to what his long time friend and former spiritual advisor Reverend Jeremiah Wright would like you to believe....My dislike for the man does not stem from the color of his skin or his religious preferences or that of his families. My dislike is based on the simple fact that the man is not what hes selling the American public.

From the outside he seems like a little slice of politically packaged heaven. He is educated...(a Harvard grad) Which means hes intelligent. Enough so that hes cleverly and charismatically wooed a large number of potential voters. Hes young, and well dressed, has a beautiful wife and children...which makes him look like a hip yet traditional version of the American dream. Hes well spoken which has definitely been a plus in his ability to hypnotize everyone who listens to him.

But all that is a shell game. Its not who this man is. Its who he wants you to see. He is like a magician who directs your eye in one way...while moving his hands in another. But just as with all magicians.....there is no real magic to his tricks...Its all slight of hand. And if you know the secrets...the trick is exposed.

I do not believe a man is just one isolated incident. He is the sum total of all his experiences. He is who he associates himself with. He is who he listens to for council. How he conducts himself past present and future. So lets look at other aspects of Mr Obama the man and possible future President of the United States.

This is Grandmother, Sarah Hussein Onyango Obama. Proudly pointing to an "Obama 08" bumper sticker.

Obama's Uncle shown here with Obamas grandmother who has been a prisoner in his own home, trapped by post election violence that has left more than 600 Kenyans dead.....said "If Barack Obama were elected, he would improve relations between Africa and America because he had his roots in Africa".

Malik Obama, older brother of Barack , holds an undated picture of Barak, left, and himself, middle, and an unidentified friend in his shop in eastern Kenya. By Karel Prinsloo, AP

Barack here showing his support for Luo Raila Odinga (Opposition Leader in Kenya who signed a "Shariah pact" with Muslims and claims to be Obama's cousin) He is married to Ida Odinga, they have four children - two sons and two daughters. His oldest son, Fidel, is named after Fidel Castro.

Barack's father, hard-drinker, raised Muslim.....Was married three times, also attended Harvard and then returned to Kenya. Obama claims he was an atheist, but was given a Muslim burial at Baracks family's request.

A young Barack shown here with mother Stanley Ann Dunham. In his own autobiography Obama writes, "How and when the marriage occurred remains a bit murky, a bill of particulars that I have never quite had the courage to explore". Fair enough...No ones family tree is without a few shaky branches. (His father was still married to his first wife Kezia in Kenya at the time.)

Obamas Father and Mother together during his fathers only visit to Hawaii while Obama lived there. Obama with his father on the same visit to Hawaii

In this photo Baracks mothers second husband Lolo Soetoro (Indonesian Muslim), their daughter Maya, and Barack.

Abandoned by his father and shipped off by his mother to his grand parents, Barry Soetero becomes Barack Hussein Obama. Obama would describe his grandparents as "white folk". ( His words not mine.) I would have described them as a decent man and woman who didn't abandon their grandson.

Here Barack stands behind Kezia (stepmother) in a Kenyan family shot. Including brother Abongo 'Roy' Obama who is a Luo activist and a militant Muslim, who argues that "the black man must liberate himself from the poisoning influences of European culture"

Obama wrote in Dreams From My Father: "Abongo's new lifestyle has left him lean and clear-eyed, and at the wedding, he looked so dignified in his black African gown with white trim and matching cap,that some of our guests mistook him for my father".

This is Obama's visit to Africa '06. There are no transcripts of the speeches he gave on this trip while campaigning for Odinga. But I do have to wonder what this man in this photo is about? Is this the same man who now wants to disassociate himself with inflammatory political statements? It appears that it wasn't that long ago that he was making similar statements of his own.

Then there is Obamas former Reverend Jeremiah Wright. It has been said that The corporate media and the racists have attempted to use the black church against the leading presidential candidate.

Oh really? It seems to me that the damage done there was inflicted by Wright himself. It was Wrights statements in his sermons that caused the firestorm that came back negatively to the candidate. No one created or fabricated that chain of events. No matter how much I'm sure the Obama camp would like it to be that way. Reverend Wrights well publicized quote:"Not 'God bless America,' 'God damn America," "God damn America for treating its citizens as less than human." should be in my opinion in the front of every ones mind.

WHY should this matter? Obama disassociated himself with it didn't he? And later with the Reverend for saying it. It should matter because no matter if hes publicly saying at this moment that he doesn't agree with the Reverends comments....He still sat at the mans knee for the past 20 years as a member of his church, and as a family friend. By Obamas own admission one of Reverend Wrights speeches "The audacity of Hope" is what prompted him to seek office. The man was a huge influence in his life. You cant be that close and be that significant to a person and not subscribe to his views.

Wright who appeared on the TV Show Bill Moyers Journal spoke about the positive side of his negative press. He said : "In response to the sound bytes, in response to the snippets, in Philadelphia Senator Obama made a very powerful speech in terms of our need as a nation to address the whole issue of race. That's something good that's already starting. That because of you guys playing these sound bytes now whats getting ready to happen as something very positive, and something very powerful that God can take what you meant to try and hurt somebody to help a nation to come to grips with the truth......To help a nation come to grips with mis educaton .....To help a nation to come to grips with things we don't like to talk about"....

Are you serious? You would like us all to believe that those comments you made about Damning our country and the negative media attention that followed are now a positive thing? That you Reverend are directly or indirectly responsible for this precieved positive attention? Who exactly do you feel your statements are educating? Who are they directed toward? Because I have to tell you speaking as a citizen of this country you speak of....I don't feel like this is about ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL. It seems to me that the only person who is making this about race is YOU. You and others like you who have lived in this country for generations, who have reaped the benefits of it, but would still like to be seen as the victims of its past.

I am so tired of people like you Mr Wright. Those like you who refuse to move forward. Let me put this thought out there..... If as Americans you have been so ill used and mistreated then why is Mr Obama being taken seriously as a candidate for the highest office this country has to offer? How has he been able to become a US Senator? How was he able to attend one of the most respected Ivy League Schools in our country, Harvard?

From examination of Mr Obamas family and childhood....He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth. So tell me, how could a man who's father wasn't there, who's mother sent him to live with grandparents go on to become a potential candidate for President of the United States? Could it be that he took advantage of the things this country had to offer him? The same country he now wants to lead? The very same country his Reverend and friend Damns?

Mr Obama recently relinquished his membership to the Church he has attended for the past two decades....He did so because the negative press that came from his associate with its speakers was hurting him politically. So my question..... Is Mr Obama really against this type of thinking? Or is he only against it at the moment because it will have an negative effect on his chances to become President? AND...if we elect him, will we then begin to see the same sort of statements coming out of the white house that he is trying so hard to distance himself from now? Will we see men like Jeremiah Wright becoming his closest advisors? Are these the type of people you want to have your Presidents ear?

If as I suspect his actions are a political ploy to maximize his votes for the Presidency. Then he is the equivalent of a snake oil salesman. One who will tell the American people anything they want to hear to make the sale and when he has what he wants (the oval office) You find that the thing you thought you were buying doesnt exist.

We ALL need to ask more questions. We need to ask ourselves what sort of man we want to lead us? What sort of man we want to represent us gobally. This shouldnt be about party politics...It should be about OUR future as country.

Observations Of Semi-Adulthood

2008-06-16T02:10:00.001-04:00

Just like probably every other person in the world I sat and listened to the brain numbing lectures the family gave me about life in "the real world". I heard the "life isn't fair and that the real adult world was full of responsibilities and sacrifices. So enjoy it while you can...because this time wont last forever".

Yeah.... Yeah..... Yeah....I think I actually have that whole speech stitched on a pillow somewhere.

But now that I'm sort of here......standing in what could be considered semi adult hood....I admit it.....You were right Mom. The real world sucks sometimes. Being an adult is not all its cracked up to be. So I have to wonder is this really all there is? And if it is and this is what it means to be an adult......why does anyone want this job? It reeks!

Here are some of the changes Ive noticed...

You have to work ALL the time. Now I'm not opposed to work. But you have to do it ALL THE TIME!!

I miss beach days.

When you finally become legal drinking age.....the thrill of being able to do it is pretty much gone. Although by then you sometimes need the buzz. (that doesn't sound like a potential problem does it?)

No matter how much money you save......Bills will come to take it all. Its never enough. No matter how much you plan there is always going to be that unexpected fuel pump that goes out in your car...or the pot hole that takes out your tires.

It doesn't seem to matter what your work schedule says...Because inevitably you will still be called each and every time you have a day off. So don't make plans.

The less money you make at a job, the harder you will have to work and the nastier the jobs will be that you are asked to do.

You don't have to be an ASS to be in a position of power or authority. But if you have any of that in you, it will most definitely rise to the surface.

The social drama you thought you would leave behind when you left high school, continues to exist in the work place. Because age rarely changes those types of individuals.

Being forgiving or easy going is seen as a weakness. And its better not to let others know of it.

Don't get me wrong....I don't want to go back. Its not all bad. I do like some of the freedoms, even if they do come with more than their share of responsibilities. And I honestly am looking forward to finishing school and finding a good job. I suppose I want the same things everyone else seems to want.... to travel, a decent car, a house of my own, maybe a little financial Independence, someone special to share all the good things with. (but considering the dating options Ive observed....I maybe taking applications for a qualified gold digger) *smile*

But I admit I'm a little bit apprehensive about what comes next. Because I'm told this will only get worse. There are other things that come alone as time and adulthood progress.....Such as Kids....Morgages....Summer camp....PTA meetings.....Braces....Mowing the lawn.....Life Insurance...Retirement plans....Bran cereal.

I REALLY MISS BEACH DAYS

Ron Paul for President?

2008-06-07T21:15:00.020-04:00

After my last post on the 2008 presidential contenders there were a few comments made about another option for the office of President, congressman Ron Paul.

Here in my area I see a lot of signs, bumper stickers, etc promoting Congressman Paul for President. But to be honest, I really knew very little about him. Who exactly is Ron Paul and would he make a good choice for president? So I decided to let my fingers do the walking and see what Mr Paul was about. Here's some of what I found out.

Before seeking a public office Mr Paul attended and graduated from Duke University School of Medicine. He served his country in the US Air Force as flight surgeon. In the late 60's he began his medical practice in Brazoria County Texas, where he specialized in obstetrics/gynecology and delivered over 4000 babies.

He became a congressman in the 70's thru the early 80's and served on the House Banking committee where he was an advocate for sound monetary policy and a very outspoken critic of the federal reserves inflationary measures. His firm views on limited government were not considered popular in Washington.

Through out his career he has been an unwavering advocate of pro-life and family value issues. He has also consistently voted to lower or abolish federal taxes and spending regulation. He believes in and has actively promoted the return of the government to the proper constitutional levels.

In 1984 he voluntarily gave up his house seat to return to the private sector to practice medicine, then returned to congress in 1997. He now serves on the House Committee on Financial Services and the House Committee on Foreign Affairs.

Through out his life and Congressional career Mr Paul has remained consistent in his beliefs and works tirelessly toward the reduction of government, a return to constitutional principals, lower taxes, free markets and a return to sound monetary policies. His consistent voting record proves this and has prompted some of his colleagues to state : "Ron Paul personifies the Founding Father's ideal of the citizen-statesman. He makes it clear that his principles will never be compromised, and they never are.” and “There are few people in public life who, through thick and thin, rain or shine, stick to their principles. Ron Paul is one of those few.”

That seems high praise from ones own peers wouldn't you say? So now I have to ask myself why isn't this man someone who's been taken more seriously as a presidential contender? But in asking that question I suppose I already know the answer..... Considering his above strong ideals and beliefs he doesn't seem like a man who would be controlled or swayed for party's sake. And in the real world if you want the backing of the larger parties you have to be willing to not only bend but kiss a little butt while you're down there.

The following is a brief overview of Congressman Paul's record while in office.
He has never voted to raise taxes.
He has never voted for an unbalanced budget.
He has never voted for a federal restriction on gun ownership.
He has never voted to raise congressional pay.
He has never taken a government-paid junket.
He has never voted to increase the power of the executive branch.
He voted against the Patriot Act.
He voted against regulating the Internet.
He voted against the Iraq war.
He does not participate in the lucrative congressional pension program.
He returns a portion of his annual congressional office budget to the U.S. treasury every year.
Congressman Paul introduces numerous pieces of substantive legislation each year, probably more than any single member of Congress.

I have to say what Ive learned about this man so far I really like him. Now I have to decide if my vote is better used to block Obama,who I'm absolutely sure I do not want to run our country or do I want to vote for a man who I can actually admire and believe in as president?

The Contenders

2008-05-31T23:20:00.019-04:00

Is anyone else finding the presidential campaigns as humorous as I am? Seriously....You just cant make this stuff up. Just ask Hillary, shes already tried.

Lets review whats happened so far.

In this corner we have Democratic contender Hillary "I misspoke" Clinton. Hillary has proven that if you live with someone with a selective memory condition for long enough, some of that does indeed rub off on you. Considering her husbands well known extra curricular activities, that's probably the only thing of his that's rubbed off on Hillary for a very long time.

Ahhhh but I digress....

In case you missed it...Hillary Clinton in an attempt to show the voting public she had international experience, recounted a story of the trip she and daughter Chelsea took to Bosnia 12 years ago. In that she stated that they were forced to run for cover to avoid hostile gun fire.

Hmmmmm really?

Well not according to the camera crews who were following her on this trip. Footage showed an entirely different version of the events.....Hillary's landing was not only a peaceful one but she was greeted on the tarmac by a small child. Of course I suppose the kid could have been packing heat......You never know.

And If the existing film coverage wasn't enough....she also seemed to forget or overlook the fact that she was traveling in the company of two well known passengers...singer Sheryl Crowe and comedian Sinbad. Both of whom seemed to be equally confused by Hillary's retelling of the events and said they didn't recall anything like that happening.

You would think after witnessing first hand how well Bills poor memory skills worked for him politically, Hillary would have learned from his example. Lets face it...it was a whole lot easier for Bill to accidentally "misspeak" about the random intern kept behind the closed doors of the oval office than it was for Hillary about her trip to Bosnia that was followed by camera crews.

Later when she was questioned about the inaccuracy of her statements...Hillary claimed she was suffering from sleep deprivation and had just "misspoken". That explanation would have been easier to swallow if it hadn't been shown that she had repeated the exact same story publicly on other occasions as well. It was obviously easier for her to recall the details of her fabrication than it was the real facts of the trip.

To be fair I realize this all happened twelve years ago, and time does tend to make memories a bit fuzzy. And Hillary's not a spring chicken any longer which might even contribute to that fuzziness. But I think that running to avoid sniper fire is something that a person doesn't easily forget. I would think that it would be a pretty significant event in a persons life, one you would be able to recall clearly. Perhaps the problem stemmed from the fact that it didn't happen?

So I have to wonder, Hillary what were you thinking? Didn't it occur to you that this one was going to come back and bite you in your politically correct pant suit? And just for the record, you didn't "misspeak". To say that implies you just confused a few of the facts. What you did was fabricate a complete set of events that NEVER occurred. I may not have all the social or worldly experience that you have, but even I understand what this is. You can call it whatever you like, but here in the south...we call that LYING!

As a citizen of this country I have to ask why I would I want you running our country? A woman who cant even tell the truth about a simple and insignificant trip she took? This is just another reflection of your character Hillary. And if you have to lie to get the job, lying while in office doing the job wouldn't be such a stretch, would it?

Then we have contender number two, Mr Barack Obama. Mr Obama's controversy came in the form of his long time minister Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Wrights statements and sermons have been referred to as controversial and divisive.

Two examples used to illustrate this was his statement from a 2003 sermon in which he condemned America for racism and the unfair treatment of its black citizens. His quote: "Not 'God bless America,' 'God damn America,'" he said. "God damn America for treating its citizens as less than human." The second statement that stirred emotions was when he said that US policy makers were in the sway of the Klu Klux Klan.....he refereed to it as the US of KKK A.

Wrights sermons are filled with many strong words and statements of black empowerment. But at a time when the first black man is running for the office of president...they are far to inflammatory to be associated with. Which is why when the media grabbed onto this and ran with it, it wasn't long before presidential hopeful Obama disassociated himself with the reverends statements.

Obama who said he didn't agree with the statements made by Wright. But that he had known the Reverend a long time...and felt the man to be like a member of his own family.

Like a member of your family you say? And you weren't aware of the mans political beliefs before this? At this point the the problem I have with Obama is the same problem I have with Hillary. And that is his lack of honesty. If you have belonged to an organization for 20 years. You adopt its leader to guide you spiritually. You allow him to participate in some of the most important events of your life, marriage, baptisms etc. You see this man as an extended member of your family......then how can you act appalled when the very same mans politics and beliefs are exposed? If you have had such a close association with this individual then his beliefs shouldn't come as any surprise to you. Because logic says if you are that close...Your beliefs are probably very close to the same as that of your spiritual mentors.

I believe what did surprise you Mr Obama...is that your reverend/extended families remarks became news worthy and were seen by the public as inflammatory and negative. Which in turn drew negative attention to you by association. With a presidential nomination so close...the last thing you needed was that sort of controversy. So you tossed your reverend under the bus to save yourself.

Not a bad political move I suppose. But it doesn't say much about your character. You appear to be the typical wolf in politicians clothing Mr Obama. You are well spoken, educated and packaged in just the right way. But under the surface you aren't what you appear to be.

I don't have to agree with every belief of the man or woman who is chosen to lead our nation. But what I do want is to know that person who has been chosen is of good character. That they are trustworthy.

Which brings us to the other side of the fence...Republican contender John McCain. I wont say that I agree with all Mr McCain's policies or thinking. But what I do like is that he seems to make no apologies for what he thinks or feels. Whether that thinking is seen as popular by the voting public or not. In fact the only thing that the other side has been able to do to stir up what could be considered remotely controversial is McCain's views on prisoner interrogation.

President Bushes accepted methods for extracting information from detainees has been widely criticised. McCain while needing the Presidents political support, does not agree with the all the methods that have been used in the past. McCain who himself was at one time a prisoner of war perhaps sees this issue from a vastly different point of view than the average person.

McCain seems to be a straight shooter. He isn't embroiled in any of the he said she said drama that seem to be at the heart of the Obama- Clinton campaigns. His views on the war in Iraq and his milder less aggressive plans to eliminate green house admissions has him under criticism by some.

But McCain seems to be OK with that. While I'm sure like the other two candidates he's in this to win. He doesn't seem to have the desire to remake himself to fit in for popularity's sake. Like him, hate him...what you see seems to be what you get.

Since the game of politics seems to be just one big dance.....two steps forward.....one step back and a whole lot of spin....Does John McCain have what it takes to sway the vote? To be honest I'm not sure. But considering the alternatives (Obama / Clinton)

I'm praying he does.

Treading Water

2008-05-07T19:34:00.005-04:00

My friend Ryan and I get into these discussions about relationships and dating. I find his age discriminatory preferences on dating a bit annoying....but he knows this and seems to be OK with the fact I don't completely agree with him. Recently when replying to one of his emails I made the statement that despite my age...I knew what I wanted and I was willing to wait to find it. Because I think there are worse things than being alone....such as being with the wrong person.

His reply was that he liked my point...But, he wondered if I would hold to that point of view if I reach 30 and still hadn't found someone to be with in my life? He also wondered if women lowered their standards as they aged...when their biological clocks were working against them.

I thought about this a lot Ryan. I don't think its that women lower their standards ...maybe its more their expectations when it comes to finding a partner. But I don't believe it happens just when they approach 30. I think it begins for most at a much earlier age. I think women around the age of 23 start seeing most of their friends marching happily down the isle one after the other like little ducklings...They then begin to have children. The pressure to conform...from their own families and from society in general is pretty hard to ignore.

I have to admit I sometimes feel it too. I get tired of the questions or the opinions of others as to who I should date or how strange it is that I don't. So would I change my views if I reach 30 and I still find myself alone? Id like to think I wouldn't. Id like to think that Ive made my choices because I want a healthy lasting relationship. Id like to think Id wait to find the right thing...the right person no matter what. But in all honesty...I don't really know and probably wont until I get there.

I watched a movie recently, in it the father is talking to his daughter about what real love is. I cant recall the quote word for word...but basically he said that when its real love....he wont care if you are fat or thin....if you are having a bad hair day, or breaking out....if your old or young....because with the right person...even when you are having your worst day possible....He will still think the sun shines out of your butt.

OK maybe that's not the most poetic description of real love....but its true. He wont want to change you....he will accept you flaws and all and still think your amazing. I think that's worth waiting for.

Current Events.......part one

2008-04-26T18:44:00.010-04:00

South Carolina is suggesting a Bill that will make it mandatory for a woman considering abortion to view an ultrasound of her fetus before she makes the choice to abort. Opponents of this Bill say that it is just a tool to intimidate women who have already made an agonizing choice.

First let me say that I believe a person should have the right to decide what is best for themselves and their bodies. I believe this to be true no matter if that person is male or female...20 years old or 80 years old. An individual should not only have the right, but the responsibility to make choices for themselves in regards to their health, any medical treatments or lack there of.

Having said that, I don't personally believe in the act of abortion. I don't feel that its a good choice or solution to the issue of an unwanted pregnancy. But denying a woman's right to make these choices for herself isn't the answer either. I think rather than trying to legally prevent the act...it is better to educate, and provide all possible information allowing a woman to make the most informed choice possible.

Which is why I think the South Carolina Bill is a good idea. I will concede that counseling and literature provided to those women who are contemplating abortion is a good idea. But its not enough. I think its time we stopped referring to babies as fetuses. Doing so to me makes them sound less like a person.

I am of the belief that the moment the sperm and egg collide...a human is created. The size of that human or the state of development is irrelevant. I believe that allowing someone to see the person they have created...to see that this "thing" they have inside their bodies...isn't just tissue and cells. It has arms and legs....and a heart that beats. It is a person.

Will this make an already agonizing decision even more difficult....YES it will. And it should. This is a choice that will affect the rest of your life. It will be something you carry with you long after the moment is over. Something you will never forget. Nor should you.

Yes I believe a woman should have control over her own body. I believe she has control when she decides to have sex. I believe she has control when she chooses a method of birth control. I believe she has a choice when she becomes pregnant.

Its not for me to judge the actions of another....And whether I agree with it or not...I think a woman also has the choice should she decide to end her pregnancy. I just believe that before she makes this choice she needs to see first hand exactly what she is ending.

ALL Women Do It?

2008-03-30T19:03:00.004-04:00

I know this probably wont sound very nice. But I am sometimes really disappointed and even disgusted with my gender. I wont go as far as to say this feeling I have is with ALL women. If I were to do that, I would be contributing to the very thinking that currently has me frustrated. But I can say that a large majority of those females I have been exposed to really tick me off!

You...those of you I'm speaking to are making me look bad. And I resent it. Because of your bad behavior in relationships...I'm being lumped into this category right along with you because I share the same sex. Its frustrating when you try really hard to live your life in a certain way....and yet when others look at you and when I say others I mean the other 50% of the population that is not female....When others look at you and all they see is another "female".

I'm not going to give guys a free pass on bad behavior. I have personal experience with those individuals who are proof positive men can behave badly. I have a good many guy friends. Some of them I will admit are dogs. They know they are..I know they are. It is what it is. I don't condone their bad behavior in the way they treat women. I just accept who and what they are at face value.

After all I'm not their Mother or their Minister...and its not my job to judge them or fix them. If they want my opinion on what it is they are doing....then they will get it. They wont like it, but they will indeed get it. Which is probably why they don't ask.

Then there are those who are the nice guys. What could be considered decent datable guys.....except for one thing. They have had the misfortune to be involved with one of the above for mentioned "women". Who at some point in the relationship managed to ruin there belief in the idea that there could be a nice girl out there. These female wolves in nice girls clothing have managed to hurt their pride....hurt their feelings and break their hearts. And because of this prior embarrassment and pain they have suffered they no longer wish to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. They have adopted the eat or be eaten attitude. Do unto others before they can do unto you.

Its hard to watch...because it seems such a waste. But its even harder when you are a single female who would really like to meet a nice decent guy. Who would like to be given the benefit of the doubt or just a chance for someone to get to know who you really are. But instead..you are met with a lot of preconceived ideas of what you must be......just because of the simple fact you are female.

The most frustrating part of it all is that I cant even defend it. The truth is on some level I not only understand how these guys feel, I agree with them. I think a lot of these women are in fact high maintenance and material. They are self centered......they are cheats and untrustworthy...they are promiscuous in their personal behaviors. Some are just plain evil. I know they are. I am a wittiness to it. I see it all the time.... all around me. So how can I defend that?

The answer is I cant. So what happens when you say "But, that's them....I'm not like that"? Well what happens is that you are looked at as if you are trying too hard to sell yourself. It looks and sounds false and unbelievable. I mean isn't that what they all say? I'm innocent...

So here I am...not perfect by any means. I make mistakes all the time. But I think I'm a good person. I don't cheat....I have values that I live by. I try and conduct myself in a way that I can respect. Because that's where it starts isn't it? You have to have respect for yourself if you want others to have any respect for you....... right?

But in order for that to happen... You have to have someone with an open mind who is willing and wants to see who you really are as a person. Someone who will take that time and give you that chance...... Because lets face it...anyone can pretend to be something they aren't for a short time, which is part of the above problem. But over the long haul...usually the truth of who and what you are is revealed. But how do you tell a guy..."Hey look you don't have to believe me..but if you stick around long enough Ill show you who I am..I can prove it".

The truth is again you cant...because they really don't want to hear it....and they don't believe it. They have heard it all before. They are jaded.

If your wondering whats gotten me verbally venting about this subject. Its been bothering me for a while now. But last weekend I was having a heart to heart talk with a male friend. He and I have only just become close in this past year. I also honestly believe that we have spent enough time talking in depth and become close enough that he knows who I am. I also know him and I know he is a bit of a cynic with most things involving people and their motives. But still...here we are having one of our talks and he makes the statement that he thinks that ALL women put out what they think a guy wants to hear in order to attract him and then when they have "gotten him" They get comfortable in their situation and revert to their true selves.

I admit that statement irritated me...frustrated me...and disappointed me. Which knowing him was probably his intent when saying it. But still...If one of my friends...a guy who clearly already thinks I'm a great girl and very datable by his own admission.....can still think that.....then what hope do I have?

Even when I asked him "why would I want to give a guy a false sense of who I am"? Why would I want to pretend to enjoy activities that I don't like? Or books or movies I don't really care for just to get him interested in me? Isn't the whole point to find someone who is compatible with who you really are. Someone who fits in with your life? If you pretend to be something your not just to attract someone.....then doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of trying to find the right one?

His reply was.... ALL women do it.

AHHHHGGGHHHH.....I give up!

Choose Wisely

2008-02-10T20:52:00.000-05:00

As a country we are currently hip deep in the pre-election campaign of "he said, she saids". We as voters are individually challenged to sort the fact from the fiction and determine who is best suited to run our country for the next 4 years.

Right now, I find myself getting annoyed with the respective candidates speeches and the negative spins associated with them. And after a while it all starts to sound like white noise. But when it gets too much, I have to remind myself why we vote to begin with and why we currently have the system we have. Because despite all of its imperfections, we still find ourselves living in one of the best countries in the world. And during those times when I forget this fact or take it for granted... all I have to do is talk to a few of my friends who live in other parts of the world to remind me of just how lucky I am to be where I am.

For example, if you were living in South Africa right now...your power company ESKOM would be telling you that they are no longer able to cater for your power needs, nor the needs of the rest of the current population. To make matters worse, ESKOM would then refuse to take responsiblity for this problem- despite being the sole energy supplier for the entire Republic of South Africa. Rather, they will suggest that there wouldnt be an issue to begin with, if people were more conservative with their power usage....and then try to spin the idea that the "booming" South African economy is somehow to be blamed (despite ESKOM cutting power to the goldmines and undermining the very same economy they refer to).

Unfortunately... ESKOM forgets that it was told in 1997 that South Africa was headed for this very serious problem. Not only that..but it was also predicted that if things were not corrected by the year 2007 they would be in crisis. And guess what? It seems that the predictions were correct... because as things stand right now, the people of South Africa are experiencing something called "rolling blackouts". This means that at pretty much any given time during the day their power will be shut off for up to three hours at at a time... and theres not a thing they can do about it

So I naturally have to wonder what the American response would be if they were told the very same thing? Can you even imagine a power company for one of our States telling us we would have to do without power for up to three hours a day, every day? This would pretty much mean no traffic lights. No power for hospitals. No power for schools. No power for grocery stores... and of course plenty of opportunity for crime.

Which brings me to my next point. As a nation we are not without crime, but over all this country is still a relatively safe place to live. Especially when compared to South Africa, which is currently averaging about 55 deaths a day. But dont be fooled- these deaths are not due to accident or illness. These are deaths due to violent crimes such as murder, rape, car jacking or robbery. A sum total that equates to around 20,000 fatalities a year. Which, when you consider the size of South Africa and its population... is disturbing to say the least. Its even more so when you realize that in 2006 the deaths due to crime in South Africa and the deaths due to the war in Iraq were almost equal in number.

So yes, we may not like all the candidates before us in this election. I will even admit that as a rule, third party candidates do not fair as well when it actually comes to winning an election. But in this country if you have a strong enough platform on which you campaign, you can be taken seriously as a potential candidate for the highest office in our government. Our history proves this.

But if you lived in South Africa...thats not neccessarily so. Why? Because democracy there is still in its infancy, so the candidate who is the leader of the dominant political group is pretty much guaranteed to be the next in line for the Presidency, with very little political opposition to stand in his way. Sounds good for the dominant political party, but it is actually a very bad thing for everyone else. Because for South Africa, it means that Jacob Zuma who in December 2007 was elected to lead the African National Congress (the former freedom fighting movement and current ruling party in South Africa) will succeed State President Thabo Mbeki, with very little to stand in his way and prevent him from doing so.

For those of you that don't know, this is the very same Jacob Zuma that before even stepping into Office has already been brought up on charges of rape.

This is the very same Jacob Zuma that admitted to having sex with a house guest- but denied raping the alleged victim whom he knew to be HIV postive at the time. This is the very same Jacob Zuma who was the head of the South African AIDS Council at the time of the alleged rape. The same Jacob Zuma that would later admit to having unprotected sex, and then attempt to justify this by claiming the shower he took after intercourse lessened the likelihood of contracting the deadly disease.

I personally had no idea that a hot shower was enough to prevent the spread of Aids. Apparently Mr Zuma knows something about this we don't.

But it gets better. Mr Zuma is a Zulu. And apparently in Zulu culture, leaving a woman sexually arroused is the equivalent to rape. Zuma stated that he knew the young woman in question wanted sex because she came to his house wearing a skirt and then said goodnight wearing nothing but a "kanga" (a traditional south african full length wrap) . He then claimed in court that "he had to" have unprotected sex the alleged victim due to cultural obligations and duties.

Lucky for South Africa, this fantastic political candidate was aquitted of all charges and was free to sing a song called Lethu Mshini Wami (bring me my machine gun) to the crowd outside.... at least until it was announced that he would be and is currently being investigated for the massive US$5.5 billion arms deal corruption scandal.

Hardly ideal Presidential candidate material is it?

Compared to Jacob Zuma some of our candidates (past and present- heres looking at YOU Bill) are probably looking pretty good right now. And at least we have a more realistic and relative choice. In fact we have so many choices that sometimes its hard to know which choice is the right one for our country.

But admittedly, we are not perfect. And no, our system isnt perfect either. But can you look out into the world and find one that works better? Another one that offers you the same freedoms of choice that ours does? That allows you to have the standard of living we have come to take for granted and enjoy? I dont think so.

So YES, the choices we make when we step into that booth do count. They dont just count for us....they have a ripple effect that can be felt in other places in the world.

Your vote, your decision, your choice is important...

SO CHOOSE WISELY.

Feeling Smarter Already

2008-02-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

The following was an email I recieved from a friend. It made me laugh and I thought you might enjoy it as well. Im feeling smarter already...how about you?

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not Live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, Then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, Which is why I would not live forever,'

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids All over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love To be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and Death and stuff.'

--Mariah Carey

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very Important part of your life.'

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part Of my body'

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the Lowest crime rates in the country'

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

'I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through Our papers. We are the president.'

-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of Subpoenaed documents.

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death By a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's The impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

--Al Gore, Vice President

And

'We are ready for an un foreseen event that May or may not occur.'

-- Al Gore, VP

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'

-- Dan Quayle

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much Clean air do we need ?'

--Lee Iacocca

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude Certain types of people.'

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'

--Bill Clinton, President

'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come From overseas.'

--Keppel Enderbery 'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that You passed away. May God bless you. You may Reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack In at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their Heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when They wake up dead, there'll be a record.'

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Thinking Out loud

2008-01-29T18:47:00.000-05:00

I sometimes feel like life is flying by me at zero to sixty and I'm told that the older I get the more it will feel that way. I hope that if I do make it to a ripe old age I will be a lot smarter than I am right now. Logic says Id have to be, wouldn't you think?

Ive been feeling like this square peg of a person trying to fit into a round world. A girl who doesn't want causal sex. A girl who cant fall in love over night but needs a great deal of time to say those words to another person. A girl who wants to see the best in people and continue to believe in them even when they let her down. A girl who takes her time making friends, but those who stick around long enough to become close...she values above everything. .

I used to think these were good qualities...But I don't think many people view them as qualities any more. I think they see them more as weaknesses. A fact that I am constantly being reminded of lately.

I realize I cant worry about what others think. Being true to myself means living my life to my standards and my rules. But no one is an island.... You cant go through life with out interacting with others. And interaction means getting your heart broken at least once or having your faith or trust in others tested.

I am just weary of being tested all the time. I wish things could be straight forward. I wish you didn't have to read between imaginary lines. I wish you didn't always have to be on guard and wonder if someone had a hidden agenda. I wish I could believe in people the way I used to. I wish I could have that feeling I had when I first started coming here to the deep end of the pool. Because it made me feel hopeful like anything was possible. But unfortunately, wishing doesn't make it so and I'm just tired of getting knocked on my butt every time I do.

Ive been swimming in the deep end of the pool for almost three years now. It was a gift that was given to me by someone who was important in my life. And even though a lot has changed since the first time I came here......It still makes me feel better anytime I come here and I write. Even if all it is just me thinking out loud.

Worriers Rejoice

2008-01-19T03:00:00.000-05:00

I heard on the news that scientists have discovered a "worry gene". Yes that's right they did an actual study and think they have determined that there could be a gene that may make you a worrier.

They also noted that there isn't any cure for this genetic issue...But that there are things you can do to help promote a more worry free life. (laughing)

I know there are some out there who find the discovery of this gene fascinating. But speaking as a person who is not only an accomplished over thinker, but has also on occasion excelled at worry...I didn't need a scientist to find this gene or to tell me of its existence. I also feel that the knowledge of its existence only gives the real worrier one more thing to worry about. My feelings on this were confirmed even further when I heard the suggestions they gave to help if you should happen to have this gene.

Here's what they suggest...If you find yourself prone to worry...You should do things to take your mind off of it....Yes that's right. That was their advise. Keep busy. Focus on other things to keep you from worry.

Well now geee why didn't I think of that? When you put it scientifically like that it seems so simple. I cant see why I didn't notice it before. Now armed with this helpful information that's one less thing I now have to worry about. So thank you.

I admit I'm curious though....I wonder who it was sitting around the lab one day that said "Hmmmm ...Lets see if we can get ungodly amounts of money and use it for research. We will find the existence of genetic traits that will provide no significant benefit to mankind...ok ya want to" ?

Id also like to know where you have to sign up for this job? Do you have to have some sort of special degree? Do you have to know someone...be someones cousins brother twice removed? I ask this not purely out of simple curiosity. I am after all in college now and its never to late to change my major.

I Promise

2008-01-10T19:14:00.000-05:00

When you go to college its not just about the parties you get invited to or the possibility of better employment through higher education. Its also about being exposed to new ideas and new people. So being the compulsive over thinker I am I admit I'm sort of like a kid in a candy store. I'm now in a place where they not only want you to ponder other ideas and philosophies but they encourage it!

I'm not sure they realized what they were getting into when they opened up that door to me..but its too late now...I'm already thinking.

I enjoy the questions about morality and values the most. Because while you may think those issues would be clear cut, they aren't always. A lot of times the perspective or position a person is in when facing those issues determine their level of values or moral thinking. I think by examining these other points of view it has allowed me to look at my own set of values. I have recently had to think about what is my own word of honor worth.

For example....Lets say you give your word to a friend or a romantic interest. You promise to keep their secrets and confidences because at the moment when the promise is made you're very close to that person. At that moment in time, you cant imagine that relationship ever changing. But life isn't that simple...and the fact is..relationships end...people change and sometimes friends let you down. So you have to ask yourself...are the promises you made to this person solely based on the circumstances or the relationship you were in at the time you made them?...Or are they based on your values as an individual and your word of honor as a person?

I'm not going to try and judge this for anyone...I wont say there is an absolute right and wrong here. I can only say for myself I have to know that my word has meaning. It doesn't matter what the actions of others are. I have to be able to look at myself and know that I am honest and trustworthy. Because even if my word doesn't mean anything to anyone else. I want it to mean something to me.

Now before you start thinking I'm trying to sit myself on this noble higher plain. I have to be honest. I don't like being hurt or screwed over any more than the next guy, In fact I'm human and I suppose just like other humans I have my own share of screw you thoughts when it comes to individuals who have hurt me or let me down. But I guess when its all said and done...I have to remind myself that the way I behave or the actions I take reflect on the person I am. Not on the other individual. And its about who I want to be and how I want to feel about myself at the end of the day that counts.

I know that I have to make certain choices for myself. I don't want to be weighted down with hard feelings, bitter thoughts or self pity for things gone wrong. So for those of you who might be worried about the fact I know your secrets..and where the bodies are buried...figuratively speaking of course. Rest at ease. My promises are still good..and your secrets are still safe with me.

"So Its Like That"

2007-12-27T19:14:00.000-05:00

Im about to vent a little...so if you dont want to hear it...just step aside...

The dance that men and women do when it comes to dating and sex is as old as time...I know over the years the idea of whats acceptable and unacceptable as far as the dating /sexual pick up line has changed. In my opinion not always for the better.

But I would like to meet the guy who came up with the phrase "So its like that"? Who was this guy? And when did his fellow male peers decide this one was a keeper?

Since Ive been in college Ive been exposed to assorted social events. Inevitably anytime you are out and about where social adult beverages are being consumed you are more than likely subject to the random flirtation or pick up line from the opposite sex. This is to be expected. But Id like to know what brain child decided that the best way to guilt a woman who's probably already declined your most generous invitation of carnal pleasure into changing her mind about having sex was to say to her "So its like that"

"So its like that Jen" ??? Hell yes its like that dumb ass....

Do you really think that I'm afraid to let you know it is indeed "like that"? I have to wonder how many women were of such low self esteem and or socially afraid to let you know that it was "like that" for them as well? Because the thing about lines like these is they wouldn't be used or popular if somewhere some place it wasn't working for them. Speaking as a female...that all in itself is sort of sad when you think about it.

Just for the record...I'm not quite sure what exactly"that" is...Or why it being "like that" is such a bad thing. But if you have nothing better to offer me than some lame attempt to make me feel guilt by using this line on me.....Save yourself the effort and time. Because friends and neighbors..for this girl It most certainly is "like that"...and If and when that changes...The guy in question wont have to ask me if "its like that" to find that out.

The First Two Weeks

2007-09-12T19:08:00.000-04:00

I have just completed my first two weeks of college! Yes friends and neighbors that's right..I am matriculating my little southern butt off. And I have to tell you that I LOVE IT!

Yes I know its only been a couple of weeks..But so far I am really enjoying the entire experience. I also think that while a lot of people might not have understood my reluctance to start college right after graduation..I think because I waited I am now really prepared and ready for what comes next. Unlike a few of my new classmates who seem to be dragging into class each day....unprepared and unenthusiastic about being there. I on the other hand have kicked into over achiever mode..and have found myself doing assignments early just to stay ahead of things. If you want me to be honest..there was at time not so long ago that I would have hated the kid like me in class. But what can I say..I'm happy to be there and it shows.

So would you like to know what I have discovered in my first two weeks of higher learning...

First ~

Ladies drink free! Yes I know....I was shocked too!! But apparently this is not only common but something well advertised on college campuses. I myself received at least a dozen flyer's on my very first day. Each one inviting me to club openings and organizations recruiting new members....all emphasizing the fact that ladies drink free.

I later discovered that this wasn't because as a female I am any better than my male counter parts. Apparently this is just a very calculated ploy to get young men to come these events. You see, young men seem to look for chances to meet young women...And since men usually spend far more money on alcohol than women do and semi intoxicated women are much friendlier to be around...(go figure) They encourage young women to attend these social events by letting them obtain their adult beverages for free. Very clever.

Second~

I have discovered..that I have a need to be agreed with. Yes I know this one was another shocker for me. I had this revelation when completing an assignment for my college studies class. I being the eager freshman that I am, put a great deal of thought into my opinions used for this paper. I sat and chose my words to support my arguments carefully....I skillfully wrote my paper and was very pleased with the way it turned out. As it so happens, my professor liked it too because I received an A+ for my efforts. You would think that I would be happy wouldn't you? Not so...

In the margin of my paper my professor had written a paragraph or so telling me that while my paper was well written...he didn't agree with my opinions. That there were many out there who were of the same mind as I was and would agree with my thinking....but he was not one of them.

WHAT!

What does he mean he doesn't agree with me? How could he not after reading what could only be considered one of my best researched and well written works. Does this man understand what this means? Does he even know who hes dealing with? I think not!

I would like to say that I have since gotten over this....but the truth is I have not. I have also noticed that I and about four other students regularly get comments in the margins of our papers. In fact I will go as far as to say that it happens with pretty much every assignment given. I had thought that maybe I was being singled out at first. Possibly this professor didn't care for me for some unknown reason. I quickly crossed that off my list..since as you well know by now..I'm extremely sweet. So not liking me wasn't it. Besides that..I continue to make A's on all my assignments.

So what is up with all the comments? Is he just one of those individuals who is never completely satisfied? Could he be the type who just feels the need to get in the last word? Why have they given this man a red pen?

These questions are just a few of the many I hope to have answered in the next few months. I have high hopes to have this professor straightened out completely before its all over. You know me..its only a matter of time..they all see the light eventually.

Did I mention that I love college? *smile*

Dont Drink The Water

2007-06-09T14:52:00.001-04:00

I have been sitting here in relative safety watching from a distance as one after another of my friends and peers becomes engaged / married or learns they are expecting a child. Now these aren't things that are really all that unexpected. I mean that is part of life...people do eventually get married..they do start families. Its the normal course of things isn't it?

However lately....it seems as though that trend, at least with my peer group, has picked up speed. It seems as though a huge number of people that I personally associate with have decided to fall on their swords and make those sort of big life altering changes.

I'm not sure whats prompted all this activity. I had considered the possibilities of the full moon. Or maybe the time of the year, sort of a spring fever. Maybe its an age thing. Do you hit a certain point in development and your body automatically tells you its time to mate and reproduce?

Now please don't misunderstand me....I'm not putting down their choices. I just realize that at this point in my life its not for me. I do admittedly at some point want to marry. I suppose I would even like to have the chance to screw up a child of my own some day. But I just realize that right now, there are things personally that I need to accomplish before I can be part of a married couple.

I think one of the strongest things about a married couple is their individuality. Each person needs to be a whole person when entering the couple relationship. I don't think you should enter a relationship expecting the other person to sustain you. While love, commitment, compatibility, values, goals are important factors to making a successful couple. Its important that each person is also able to be independent of each other too.

I see a lot of my friends making this fatal mistake over and over again. They become a couple and then expect the girlfriend or boyfriend to give up everything they were before the relationship and morph into this attached at the hip, can not breath their own air new person. Who cant be happy unless they are in the couple environment. I have never understood why they would even want to do this.

Personally, I want to bring something with me when I enter a relationship. I want to have something to contribute and offer. I want to be able to help build the life I will share with the guy who decides to put up with me. He will have to be able accept my flaws as well as my strengths. The same way I will accept his. I don't want a guy I have to change to make him fit me as part of a couple. I want to like him and respect him long before I fall in love with him or I agree to marry him.

Because lets face it...if you cant respect and admire the other persons values, goals and thinking as an individual...Do you really think that becoming a couple will change any of these things?? Big mistake if you do.

I realize nothing is written in stone. If the right person asked me....who knows what I would do. But I think before I strap on the white dress and march down the isle. I think Ill get my education out of the way first. I want to be more of the person I need to be before taking on the challenges of a married person.

Until then I wont worry about whats caused this exodus of my friends to the next steps in life.....I will just sit back and watch the parade of peers taking the plunge. I will even smile and waive and wish them well as they pass by. As for me, I will continue to focus on the task ahead of me.....getting my education.

But just in case, to be on the safe side....I wont be drinking the water here either.

The Destination or The Journey?

2007-05-20T07:21:00.000-04:00

Which is more significant to a persons life...the destination or the journey? I think maybe sometimes we become so focused on reaching our ultimate goal that we forget to learn from the people and steps we have to take along the way. When finally reaching the end of the road to our goal... sometimes we discover that the place we looked to for our success doesn't bring us the satisfaction or happiness we thought we would find there.

I have had to think a lot about what I want out of my life lately. I am at a place that I am making a lot of choices. I wont try and make it sound as though my choices are any more difficult or different than the average persons. They aren't. In fact I suppose maybe to someone else they probably seem pretty insignificant. Day to day I think probably most of us have a more narrow view of the world and tend to focus on the things that affect us personally as most the important. That's pretty human.

But even though I am just beginning, I know that this isn't a dress rehearsal. This..today is life. My life. And each day is one day that is gone and I wont get back again. I am realizing that its not as important where I end up so much, as it is that I become a better person along the way. That I take something from the people I meet and the things I experience and make myself better for having done so.

I cant say that everything so far has turned out the way I wanted or hoped it would. But I will say that when I think about it..I'm lucky that I have had the chance to love the people Ive loved and lucky for those who have loved me back. (no matter what a pain in the ass I am at times) I am lucky to have a family who cares for me. Even the mistakes I have made and the disappointments have their place in the person I am now becoming. I know I have a choice. Do I become stronger from the falls I take or do I let them keep me down?

Ultimately I know the only thing I have control over in this world is me. Realizing that brings a sort of peace. It doesn't mean I stop trying. In fact just the opposite..I plan to go out into the world and kick butt.

I just want to make sure I also go out and live, love and fully experience life while I do. In doing so..no matter where I end up...It will have all been worth it.

Need Directions?...Google It

2007-05-17T14:55:00.000-04:00

I had someone send this to me the other day and when I actually did it I had to laugh. I hope maybe it will bring one to you as well. Follow the directions.....

Go to Google.com
Click on Maps
Click on Get Directions
Type in From: New York New York
Type in To: Paris France
Then read line #24

Those Google people dont miss a thing do they? LOL

Ready To Matriculate

2007-05-08T16:49:00.000-04:00

You can lead a blond to knowledge but you cant make her think.

Yes..I know that was really bad. But still appropriate in this case. Its taken me some time to get to this point. I have no problem with going to college. In fact I think if you want to go and you have the chance to go....you should take advantage of it. But that doesn't mean its for everyone.

I just don't think you should go just so you are able to say you went. Or because others "strongly suggest" that you go. I think those are all the wrong reasons. You go because you have a desire to learn something. Because you think the experience will improve your life in someway.

I have watched a lot of my peers get on the college bound train...only to drop out later realising it wasn't for them. Or float aimlessly through it, not really getting anything from it....except for the knowledge of how to play beer pong or other assorted drinking games.

Not that I'm putting down the socialization part of the college experience, I'm not. I have a great many friends doing the whole matriculation thing now and loving it. I have spent enough time with them at their college apartments or on campus to know that I would probably fit in with the social aspect of it and enjoy it.

But there is more to it than that..or at least their should be. I guess its just taken me this long to decide that the time was right for me. So my friends I have officially submitted my application...and am working on the next steps toward my goal. And for the first time in a long while I am actually excited. I really feel like this is the right thing for me.

I feel hopeful, confident and ready to do this.

Change

2007-05-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

Anyone who's read this blog before or who knows me, knows I love poker. I love everything about it. I love sitting at a table with a few friends laughing and swapping a few lies. I love drinking an ice cold beer or some other beverage and munching on some salty snack food. I love sitting there looking like the young, blond, 5 feet 2 inches kid and innocently staring down all those big old guys and bluffing them out of their hard earned cash. YES I LOVE POKER.

I haven't played poker in a while or done a lot of the old things I used to enjoy. I have been letting things going on in my life take all my focus and keep me tied up in knots. To the point I think I had almost forgotten what it was like to be the old me. And you know what? I missed the old me. I missed her a lot!

This finally clicked once and for all in my brain when I had a long talk with a really good friend of mine. He is one of those kind of people that never cuts me any slack. He tells me exactly the way it is no matter if I want to hear it or not. Which is exactly what he did last night. Which is exactly what I needed to hear.

It was sort of weird. Because he didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know. But when I heard him saying it, I finally saw it the way it was. By stressing and obsessing the way I have been I was changing who I am. I also realized I didn't like the person that I became while doing that.

After that talk..I felt better for the first time in a while. I felt like I had a new perspective on things. I felt my confidence coming back to me. I felt like I should look forward to the things a head of me.

Later that night when I got the invitation to go out and play poker with a few friends, I went. It wasn't a big game...just five of us. I walked in the door and told them all up front I only had $3 dollars in my pocket. Yeah I know, $3 dollars doesnt sound like someone who's really prepared to play poker. To be honest I have been pretty broke lately too...which has also added to my poor frame of mind. But I figured Id play a few hands with my friends and then sit and socialize once the money was gone.

They were playing a quarters game of Texas Hold um. So even my three measly dollars didn't seem to phase them. They told me to pull up a chair and anti up. I admit...the first few hands I barely broke even. Then the next few, I didn't do well at all and lost everything I had, including the $3 dollars I had showed up with.

This however didn't get me out of the game. My friends decided they would spot me about $10 dollars of quarters so that I could continue to play on. I was having a good time and I figured I had a little money in my secret stash at home that I had been saving for something else. So I agreed.

By the end of the night, the pile of silver sitting in front of me was considerable. It was down to three of us. One of the guys feeling like luck was moving in his direction decides he wants to up the stakes. He increases the anti. When it comes around the table to me...I sat there with my patented undecided look on my face...."Gee I don't know...aah well OK...I guess Ill stay and see what the cards do".

The pot keeps growing...My friend who felt luck was going to be his friend is now getting excited. He thinks hes got this one all tied up. Hes going to clean the table of this pot and then call it a night.

When it finally comes down to the last cards...hes got two pair. Don't get me wrong it wasn't a bad hand....But the last time I checked...two pair doesn't beat a straight. Which is what I was holding.

I laid my straight down on the table in front of him....and watched his face as I pulled ALL that money to my side of the table. He said "Damn it Jennifer, I thought you didn't have anything". I just smiled and said "Yes I know". His brother in law who was sitting on the other side of me is now dying laughing. I'm just sitting there grinning.

By the end of the evening.. they let me cash in all my silver for paper money. After paying back the $10 I was spotted earlier in the evening and then subtracting the original $3 I showed up with. I was coming home with an extra $60 dollars of someone elses money in my pocket.

This morning I woke up feeling hopeful....like maybe things are going to change for me. I feel like I'm going to make them change by moving forward. No it wasn't the poker game that did it. But the game did remind me of the old me...I missed her. I'm glad shes coming back.

Majority Rules

2007-05-02T17:26:00.000-04:00

Maybe my thinking is naive or idealistic. But it is what I believe

I don't think any system of government is perfect. I believe that most have their flaws that need to be worked out and adjusted as time goes on and the country and its people evolve and grow. But I also believe in this country it is a mistake to look away from the basic beliefs and principals that our country was founded on.

History tells us that our founding fathers were not perfect men. In fact on a personal level many were far from it. But there is one thing you can say about them that holds true today. They had a vision. They had the courage and fortitude to implement that vision. They sat down and drafted a document that was the foundation for this country and it remains so today. Considering how long we have been in business you have to admit they were on to something.

The country was founded with basic Christian principles. But it allowed for the freedom to have other beliefs and worship. Even though the vast majority of its citizens all held the same beliefs.

It was founded on the idea that everyone had a right to speak. Yes most were of the same political and social thinking....But it allowed for that free dialogue that gave people a chance to voice new ideas, concerns and even make changes without fear of retribution.

I suppose anyone reading this right now is thinking...YES...and your point?

My point is...this is what the country is all about. Its what it has been about since its conception. So why do we keep allowing others to try and make us into a people of politically correct accommodation?

Those of other faiths...we welcome you regardless if your beliefs differ from ours. We are glad to let you share in the freedom of worship that our country provides. But understand the majority of its people are of the christian faith. You can not expect or ask an entire nation to change its values to accommodate you. Here majority rules. If you feel this is an unfair practice. You may attempt to change it with a vote. That is our way too.

Those of you who live in fear of those who possess guns. The founding fathers gave us the privilege and right to bear arms. Yes that privilege has been abused by some with tragic consequences. But in this country the majority of our citizens are decent and law abiding. You can not punish the innocent in a hope of stopping a few that will be guilty. Here again majority rules.

Every country needs to grow and change. But it is wrong to try and change what isn't broken for the majority of its citizens because of a few. Here in our country, each vote counts. Each individual can still speak out and together the sum total of voices equal majority rules.

Do not think to make our choices for us. The majority still want the freedom to do that for ourselves.

Theres Always Plan B

2007-04-28T16:07:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wondered how much you as in individual matter in this world? I have. Especially lately.

I was watching a commercial on TV...Don't ask me what they were selling...I couldn't tell you. It was some sort of insurance I think. I suppose in that regard the commercial failed miserably as a commercial since I cant recall the company it was for. But it did catch my eye for another reason. It was one of those pay it forward type ideas.

It showed an individual who stops for no other reason than just because they can..and helped another person. It was a simple thing...not a cure for cancer or the answers to hunger or world peace. Just a simple act of kindness from one person to another. That act was then observed unknowingly by a third individual who stopped, paused and thought about what he had just seen. The commercial goes on with this ripple effect...The third individual does a small act of kindness that gets passed on because its affects another person and so on.

So this gets me thinking. I wonder how my life effects those around me. Do I have any impact on those people I come in contact with on a daily basis? What about those who I only touch for the briefest of moments?

Id like to think that maybe I could be the kind of person one day that could be something positive in another persons life. I doubt I will ever be anyone who does anything so profound as finding a cure for a disease or the answers to any real world problems. But Id like to think that one day I can become a good enough person that my actions...even the small ones would be a good influence on others around me.

There seem to be all kinds of successes in this world. There are the creators of the world...and the things we have in it. The ones who have great influence over economy, people, politics. There are those who do great humanitarian acts, find cures for disease and work on a global level to cure the world of its ills. Then there are those who appear successful just by the simple act of being in the public eye repeatedly. I don't know if fame is a true success.. I suppose that depends on the stick you measure it by.

I don't see myself as ever falling into any of the above categories. I'm not sure I would want to. But I think that there are more basic ways of being a success. And even though those might not be noticed or measured..they are every bit as important in the big scheme of things. I may not be that kind of person yet. But I could be. I mean I still have a lot of choices a head of me don't I?

My Great Grandmother used to say take life with a grain of salt....My great Uncle would say add a slice of lime and a shot of tequila to that. *smile*

But someone recently gave me some pretty simple but none the less good advise....He told me to stop beating up on myself, don't over analyse and do what I needed to do for me. He could be right. Who knows, maybe everything else might start to fall into place.

If not..there is always plan B...... that slice of lime and that shot of tequila...

No Apologies

2007-04-27T17:11:00.000-04:00

We live in the 21st Century. I would like to believe that in this day and time NO ONE thinks slavery was a good idea. Which is why I believe it doesn't exist any longer. It was abolished.

Abolish- To do away with; to repeal; to obliterate.

Which in the most simple terms means its gone...Its not coming back. So I have to say it bothers me that something that was clearly thought to be a bad idea and done away with a very long time ago is still an issue.

Could someone please explain to me why legislators from states such as Alabama, Virginia, Maryland and North Carolina are all writing legislation to officially express regret and apologise for their states involvement in slavery? Are they serious?

I am a 20 year old living in the south. I wasn't around during the time of slavery. I never personally kept a slave. Nor did I promote those who did. I have never profited in anyway from slave labor. In fact....I can pretty much assure you that if there was any sort of slave labor around our home while I was growing up...I WAS IT.

So to me the idea that ANYONE now owes an apology at this point for something that happened two hundred or so years ago is totally ridiculous. Not only that, but I am completely tired of hearing how every bad thing that happens is directly related to the raw deal their ancestors got.

If you are a person living in this country for several generations now.....No matter how you got here or where your ancestors came from there is one thing for certain.....YOU ARE AN AMERICAN!!

You are an American with all the freedoms and privileges given to you by our constitution and laws of this country. Just like every other American. You are not the only group that has been wronged in our nations history or has had its share of struggles.

If you feel that being denied this apology is about a of lack of respect for you. I would like offer a thought.....If you desire respect...look closer to home. I heard someone say that "We can not expect others to respect us if we first don't show respect for ourselves". I think that's pretty true and good advise no matter what race, religion or gender you are.

There is a trend to promote music, movies and a culture that demeans women, race, religion and a respect for the law. This is done for no other reason than for monetary profit. Today we have more respect for the dollar than we have for people. And it doesn't seem to matter how much we have to degrade ourselves, our standards and values to achieve it.

An apology is not your problem here....You have much bigger concerns than that. You're culture is deteriorating right before your eyes. And you are allowing it.

However if you still want an apology for slavery and feel you can get it from someone who actually committed this crime...then I say go for it. But I have a feeling that most who participated in this act are long since gone.

So I have to ask..Wouldn't the time be better spent looking at how to make the future better rather than looking for someone to take blame for the past?

Innocent Until Proven Guilty...

2007-04-22T11:13:00.000-04:00

Innocent until proven guilty has left the building. Or at least its on its way out because of a lot of different circumstances in our country. I realize that with the tragic events that have occurred at places such as Virginia Tech and Columbine people want the powers that be to do something...anything to make them feel safer and protected while in public places.

But can this really be done? I have to ask myself are the freedoms we give up really a good trade for the false feeling of security we will get for them? How many metal detectors do we walk through? How many forms and background checks do we go through before we are deemed safe and law abiding?

Do all these new laws and restrictions really keep us safer? Because in my way of thinking the only people who really follow these rules are the ones who are law abiding to begin with. Criminals and crazies usually step outside the box when it comes to things like this.

We have adopted a VERY unhealthy attitude toward the politically correct. We are so worried that we are going to offend some group that we are giving up many of our own rights to prevent this from happening. As we bend over backwards, we are saying by our actions that we are unable to determine who is criminal and crazy...And if we do suspect, our own fear of political incorrectness makes us unwilling to step up and point them out. Therefore for safety's sake we will have to restrict everyone.

Some will say that all these new restrictions are an acceptable trade off to know that they are safer when flying or going to school or entering a building.. etc. But I think its a slippery slope we need to think over carefully before signing off on it.

Maybe its old school thinking on my part. It just seems it could be a dangerous trade off, because to me freedoms aren't usually lost in big pieces at a time..They are eroded away little by little. So slowly and so subtly that we don't even notice, so we tell ourselves that its just normal.

If we are innocent until proven guilty shouldn't we be allowed to live as if we are?

Please check out exmi's blog post Unusual Allies to see what set me off today.

Virginia Tech

2007-04-18T16:29:00.000-04:00

Normally I don't blog about things like this. But just like a lot of other people in our country, I'm watching the students, faculty and families of Virginia Tech try and cope with the tragic events that occurred on Monday of this week.

Anytime you hear about something like this...Its hard not to be stunned and horrified by it. But I will be honest with you.....In the past, even though I may think to myself that its awful and I truly feel sorry for the people involved. I also to some degree detach from it. Its something that has happened in another place to strangers and doesn't affect me personally.

I am not trying to excuse my behavior on this...But lets face it, we are bombarded with stories of murder, death, starvation, abuse and a thousand other similar occurrences every single day in the news we read, the radio we listen to and the TV we watch. How many of us take each victim or story to heart?

But this time, for me at least its different. I have been watching these people. I have seen their fear...watched them grieve, seen their confusion and frustration that this has happened at all...let alone happened to them.

This one bothers me....because when I look at their faces...I see my friends. I see myself. I am the same age as most of these people who died. I live in a small community who is to some degree close knit. I see them and think of my home...my friends and my family. This one bothers me a lot.

I see the photos of the man who did this. He looked so normal. Just another average 23 year old student. If I had passed him on the street would I have noticed anything about him that made me pause? While there is a lot of speculation and things coming to light right now as to why he choose to do this to these innocent people and then to himself.. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of dark place you would have to be in to actually do it?

I admire these people of Virginia Tech. I have watched them tell their stories and not once have I heard anyone speak in anger. If anyone has a reason to feel anger right now...it would be those whose loss was so great. But what I do get from them is immense sadness, disbelief and a camaraderie of people pulling together to support each other in a time of need. I see that thing in them that gives you hope that human beings are still indeed worth something.

To the students and families of Blacksburg Virginia and Virginia Tech my heart goes out to you. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Feeling Invisable

2007-04-15T11:59:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning around 5:30 to the sound of pouring rain. Normally I love the sound of a storm. Especially when I can lay in bed and listen to it outside. Its the perfect time to think and day dream. But this morning I don't want to have to think anymore and my day dreams are pretty much history.

Ive been feeling sort of invisible lately. As if I'm viewed but not seen...heard but not listened to. It seems that everyone in the world....especially those closest to me (family and friends) seem to have an opinion about what I need to be doing with my life and how I should be doing it.

After the initial irritation I feel subsides...I try and remember that this is coming from a good place. That these people truly do care for me and care what happens to me. They mean well and they're advise and opinions have good intentions behind them. But I have to wonder, how they can know what I need and want when I don't even know myself.

Some of my friends think I need a love life to solve my problems. Trust me..been there tried that. I cant make one work. Besides...to me you're heart isn't interchangeable.....You either really love someone or you don't....You cant just swap one person for another. Or I cant. NOR DO I WANT TO.

My family thinks that I need to have focus...goals...a plan. I need to get serious and stop day dreaming. To take on more adult responsibilities...yada yada yada....I know the drill. And I wont say that they are completely wrong about some of this....But let me figure it out....Stop trying to do it for me. I keep trying to explain, I'm not them. I'm not the same person. I have to do it my way.

If I have heard it once I have heard it a ga-zillion times..."Ive been where you are. I already know the mistakes a head of you...You need to listen to me. I'm trying to help you".

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! STOP ALREADY!

I know you have seen things I haven't. I also know you may have more life experience than I do. But geezzzzzzzz cut me some slack here. I not stupid. Have some faith in the way you raised me. I just need to work this out on my own. I want to work it out on my own. I want to make my own plan and my own mistakes whatever they might be. I will take responsibility if I screw it up. I'm not making excuses for those Ive made already. Just give me some breathing room. Please.

I keep thinking if I bide my time...some new object of obsession will get their attention and my life will fade from their thoughts. I admit I'm not good at being pushed...I tend to dig in and go the opposite direction when it happens. If those who kept pushing me really thought about it they would know this.

I suppose if the truth be told...I know them too..and I know that the same way they are pushing my buttons...I'm in turn pushing theirs. Its pretty childish and dis functional sounding when you lay it out like that. But in families I guess we all know each others weak spots.

Do You Need 911...If so how badly?

2007-04-13T06:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was listening to the local news...They had a story about a man who had called 911 because his 37 year old girl friend was choking. On the recorded phone call you can clearly hear this man obviously frantic. He has no idea what to do for this woman. OK..I understand not everyone knows the Heimlich Maneuver ...And even someone who might know of it..at the point during an emergency might not have a clear enough head to actually attempt to use it.

Lets face it....not everyone remains calm cool and collected in those type of situations. Which is why some of us are cut out to be rescue help, while others are the rescued. However....you would think that when you call emergency assistance you would at least get someone on the other end of the phone who could assist you. Someone with the minimal and basic first aide instruction.

I know these people are mostly there to assess and send out medical help. But this 911 operator didn't know the Heimlich either. And while they were polite on the phone...polite is the last of my concerns if I am calling you because someone I care about is dying in front of me.

To make matters even worse in my eyes...The supervisor of this 911 operator who did in fact know the proper way to assist someone who was choking...refused to get on the line and assist the caller. In fact, could be heard in the background of the call almost making fun of the way the call was going.

REALLY?

It took 11 minutes for an ambulance to arrive...and by the time they got there the mans girlfriend was dead.

Maybe its just me but if you have the need to call 911...You do so because you have an emergency that your skills or knowledge cant solve or handle on your own. You are calling for help...assistance. Not to speak to someone who is nothing more than a glorified telemarketer.

I realise there are probably some legal ramifications I'm not aware of if you provide someone with verbal medical assistance and they screw it up. I will be honest with you..if there are and what they would be... I couldn't begin to tell you. But considering you cant breath air anymore with out fear of being sued, nothing would surprise me.

I will say this...If this were me.....I would much rather be in trouble for attempting to help save someones life...Than to remain legally safe while I sit back and let them die.

Maybe its fortunate I'm not a 911 operator.

Working With A Bad Attitude

2007-04-10T10:43:00.000-04:00

The key to understanding how to dig a hole for yourself is knowing when to stop digging. When you hit rock bottom..that's when its time to stop. I think that's pretty good advise. I however have never been one to take good advise. I am stubborn.

Being stubborn isn't my only problem at this moment...toss in a little apathy...a dash of procrastination....apply extreme pressure and you have successfully created one bad attitude. And not that I'm trying to brag here...But this is really the finest bad attitude I have ever managed to create and sustain for this long of a period of time. You always know when you have really achieved optimum success with your bad attitude...because you aren't just making yourself miserable any longer you are also managing to make others around you unhappy as well. So as far as bad behavior goes this will probably be a crowning achievement in my somewhat inexperienced life time.

There was a time not so long ago that I would have looked around and blamed everyone else for my situation. When you are a kid...its always the other guys fault. But I'm too old to be able to play that card anymore.

So I have decided to make my bad attitude work for me. I'm sick of being pushed...I am too stubborn to quit....even if others have given up on me. I am going to succeed and do it my way, if only to prove to everyone who's been riding me that I can. Yes...this will still accomplish some of the same goals. But in doing it my way will have the added bonus of pissing them off at the same time.

Is this childish thinking on my part? Yes probably....but did I mention I'm working with a bad attitude here?

Sink Or Swim

2007-03-30T18:05:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid I used to think becoming an adult would be the greatest thing in the world...Nobody telling you what to do..No bed times..You get to eat whatever you want..You can drive and go where you want whenever you want. You have money so you can buy whatever you want. Yeah it all sounded pretty appealing back then.

I also remember on the vast number of occasions that my mom was up on her soap box giving what seemed to be another of her infinite lectures and advise as to what I needed to be doing or about my responsibilities in this world...She used to cap it off by saying: "Enjoy this time while you can...because when you get to be an adult everything changes". Well honestly at the time, I would have given my right arm to be an adult just so I could make her stop lecturing me.

But guess what? Here I am at 20 years old...Old enough in some peoples eyes to be seen as an adult. So do you want to know what I have discovered? Being an adult is a BITCH!

Yes that's right...it sucks. Maybe not all the time...but lets face it nothing sucks all the time. And those lectures I thought I wouldn't get any more once I hit this magical age. Well I still get them.....and do you know why? Because apparently there is this catch 22 that says once your someones kid you are someones kid for life. So they always worry about you and want whats best for you and give you their opinions about pretty much everything you do. So it doesn't matter how old you are...if they think you are screwing up they will tell you about it.

The thing is...lately I have been under the gun here at home. Because my family...(re: MOM) isn't happy with my choices, lack of ambition or motivation. This topic of discussion about my life and future has pretty much dominated my waking hours in my household for the past several weeks. While I will tell you very honestly that I have been hating life at my house...not at all to thrilled with my family to put it nicely....And right now I would rather take a beating than to admit this to my mom....she has a point.

I have been treading water. I have been procrastinating. Although this is not new behavior for me...I am a gifted procrastinator....I used to be their club president and if you look in the dictionary under procrastination I believe you will see my photo. I am the poster child for it.

Yet...I have to ask myself why am I doing this? I realize that I am..even if I don't choose to admit it to my critics at this moment. No one wants an I told you so. But I have had to think hard about why. The answer I came up with is fear. Fear of failing...fear of moving forward...fear of being disappointed or of rejection. Fear of a lot of things. But the bottom line is...my choices...or should I say lack of choices has been based on fear. Not something I'm really proud to have to admit...or even say out loud.

I have also come to realize part of being the adult isn't always getting to do the things you want to do. I have observed two parents while growing up. One did pretty much whatever they wanted to do. If there was a choice to be made...they picked the thing that made them happy over pretty much all else. The other...rarely if ever picked the thing they wanted to do....They tried to do the responsible thing. They tried to put their priorities where they felt they needed to be whether that met their wants and needs or not.

Neither of these parents lived the dream...I dont see the parent who picked their desires over their obligations or priorites any happier than the one who sacraficed for theirs. However I do respect one more than the other and if I had to call one for help...I know with out a doubt which one it would be.

But is this all there is? Just obligations and responsibilities and prioritising life?

PS : To the person who's been there for me no matter what. I owe you an apology. I involved you into the drama that is my life of late...and then got offended because you spoke your mind.

I felt at the time that you were being unfair in what you said to me...selfish even. That you were knowingly going to make things worse by speaking out. And that you're loyalty should have been with me and making things easier for me.

But the truth is...maybe it was me who was the selfish one. I provided you with the information....I asked you the question point blank and then I got angry when you were not only just being you..but being honest as well. That was unfair and wrong. I suppose if I don't want to know the answers to my questions..then I need to not ask them.

K F But No C

2007-02-17T17:02:00.000-05:00

This is a true story.

Last weekend the girls and I decided we were in desperate need of some food. But not just any food. We were in the mood for that Southern Baptist staple. That's right......Fried Chicken.

It was only 9 o'clock at night, so we decided to head to the one place that we were sure to find the object of our desire. KFC. That would be- Kentucky Fried Chicken for those of you that have lived a sheltered life up until now.

Upon reaching the worlds most famous source of that secret recipe, golden battered and deep fried poultry goodness, we headed straight to the drive through window. Once there, I would like to say we were warmly greeted by a representative of KFC...but it would be more accurate to say we were confronted by a pink haired young woman who's name badge identified her as Shenikwa. One of KFC's finest, I'm sure. It was there that she delivered the saddest news this Southern girl will ever hear... and I quote..

" Uh Huh Girl, We Ain't Got No Chicken ".

HUH?

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DID YOU KNOW?

More than a billion of the Colonels "finger lickin' good" dinners are served annually in more than 80 countries and territories around the world..... Just apparently not where I live.
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My friend Z and I look at each other in disbelief, simultaneously thinking "Is she serious"?

I mean c'mon now...the sign says Kentucky Fried CHICKEN. Its in their name...they put it on their sign...ITS WHAT THEY DO... Isn't it?

Apparently Shenikwa could see the puzzled and confused looks on our faces....... So she turned to her fellow employee at the counter for confirmation of her previous statement.

"Yolanda..we got any more chicken"?

To which Yolanda replies...

"No girl...and we ain't making no more..we only gots an hour till we close".

WHAT????!!!!!

What does she mean only an hour?

-----------------------------------------------
DID YOU KNOW?

The Colonel believed that properly fried chicken should take at least 45 minutes. That was up until the discovery of the pressure cooker which reduced times considerably....... Just apparently not where I live.
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I admit we were temporarily stunned by this news...but decided not to let this minor setback prevent us from fulfilling our quest of finding some delicious golden fried crispy goodness.

However..after a futile search all over town that consisted of two more grocery stores and one Walmart deli...we had come to the sad conclusion that there was absolutely no fried chicken to be had in the entire city limits.

This revelation was disturbing on a number of levels. First of all as I pointed out already.... I live in the South and in what is considered the bible belt. Not trying to sound stereotypical here...But we are a fried chicken society. It is a staple...a mainstay of southerners and baptists alike. So how could a small southern town be completely out of chicken on the most important chicken eating night of the week....Sunday. Was this just poor planning on someones part? Possibly to much demand and not enough supply?

This may seem like a trivial thing to most of you...But in my family...and maybe in the south in general..Fried Chicken can be directly related to salvation itself. Half of the individuals in my family alone would have never found the lord if it wasn't for those Sunday fried chicken dinners at the church. While I don't think there are any direct quotes in the bible concerning the value of fried chicken and salvation going hand in hand...I can say that I personally have had what could be considered a religious experience eating when it.

That is until last Sunday..Black Sunday...The day of K F but NO C.

Just not where I live...

I Will Decide

2007-01-27T16:45:00.000-05:00

The topic of the last post was about the proposed legislation in California to make it illegal to spank a child under the age of two years old. If this law were passed it would make California the first state in the nation that regulated how a parent could discipline their children.

The comments I received from this post were really interesting to me. Although they seemed to center more on the value of spanking as a form of discipline rather than whether government should be allowed to dictate how a parent can and should discipline their children. So that brought other questions to my mind.

Such as...Is it the role of government to tell a parent how to raise their child? If we say its ok for them to tell us we cannot spank as a form of discipline then what other rules will this bring about? Will they also tell us where we can educate them, what they wear, what they are allowed to watch on TV and for how long? What about music and dating? Will these things also be deemed necessary to be regulated? And if we consent to all of these things... can we still say we are raising our own children? Or at this point are we allowing government to do it for us? And if we do this....what type of society will we become?

If we are going to take that step down the slippery slope....then what of the abortion issue?

I personally feel that once a sperm and egg are introduced and unite..that we are now dealing with a person. I don't care if at that point the person is just a mass of cells dividing amongst themselves. At that moment, when those two things meet, genetically speaking we are now on the course to creating a full fledged walking, talking, thinking human being.

You see, the problem I have with giving things a name......such as fetus for example, is that it seems to minimize its importance in the big scheme of things. But if you look at it as though it is just another descriptive name in a long list of names during the different stages of development.....such as Infant....Toddler....Child...Teen...Adult. Then you have to realize that you can call it whatever you like, but the end result is still the same. Its still a human.

Just as a caterpillar left alone becomes a butterfly......a tadpole becomes a frog......those few small cells dividing and dividing again, have everything it takes to one day walk...talk....think...and love.

Having said this....Do I want my government delving into this part of my life? Do I want them to have control and say so over my body? Do I want them to be able to tell me how to raise this child if I have one?

HELL NO I DO NOT!

I have a real problem when a government thinks they know what's the best thing for me even better than I do myself. I do not want others to do my thinking for me. I do not want others thinking they are smarter than I am and therefore NEED to do my thinking for me. I suppose the only way I can prevent such a thing from happening to me.....is to indeed think for myself and vote. And by doing so making sure that no one ever has a chance to pass laws that will take away my right to decided what kind of society we have.

I don't like everything in the world around me. I think there are a lot of things that could be said have gone straight to hell. But as bad as we seem to think things are, I do not want ANYONE taking away my rights to speak and think and live freely.

They say that when you loose things like freedoms that you never lose them all at once. That evil is not something that comes and falls on you like a wall. It is the small, insignificant day to day things that we give up because we are too lazy to do them for ourselves. Like parenting our children.

Maybe I am to idealistic in my thinking....but if you think so...maybe you need to be too.

Spank Me...

2007-01-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

First of all the title got you curious didn't it? *laughing*

Secondly.... where was this woman when I was a kid?

A California legislator has announced that she hasn't written it yet...BUT she intends to.....soon....very very soon.....[are you on the edge of your seat?] She intends to write a bill that proposes limits on spanking.

She wants California to be the first state in the nation to pass a law making it illegal for parents to spank their children. If the law passes it will make spanking any children under the age of 3 a misdemeanor. With penaties that could include child rearing classes or up to one year of jail time.

Jail time? Are they serious? Just the mention of the bill has sparked heated commentary from legislators as well as parents. One person suggested that they pass a bill making it ok for parents to smack other parents of undisciplined children. *laughing* I think I could actually support that one.

Since the suggestion of the Bill was mentioned publicly, the office of its sponsor has been "inundated" with calls. She stated that most of the calls concerning the bill were negative and against such legislation. She said she found this attitude puzzling because the bill only covers the states youngest most vulnerable children. She further stated that she has to question why our society holds so tightly to physical discipline among the very young. "We're very addicted to violence" she says.

Addicted to violence? And you think the way to curb that addiction is to stop spanking our kids? Really now?

My mom got spanked when she was a kid so far she seems to have managed to stay on this side of the law. Although she has on occasion wanted to put some of the young men I have dated in shallow holes in our back yard....But in all fairness to her...they were asses and she had a point. So does that even count?

I myself got spanked on occasion when I was a kid. My mom never beat me with anything. She used her flat palm of her hand on my soft tushy bottom. As a matter of fact, I think that during my entire childhood I might have received only 5 such spankings.

However..I would like to point out..that I wasn't a stupid child either. My mom was very good at teaching me the concept of "cause and effect". If I "caused" her a problem or embarrassment...the "effect" would be that I would wish I hadn't. I honestly believe that part of what kept me from doing more stupid things as a child was that healthy intimidation she instilled in me.

She made it clear to me early in my life that the word "NO" was not a negotiation tactic on her part. If she said No to me about something.....No is exactly what she meant. It didn't mean maybe...or keep asking until you wear me down. It meant "NO" and if you keep asking me "causing" me grief...the "effect" side of things would come into play.

She never wanted to hear the words..."But so and so's mom lets her do it". She made it quite clear that she was MY mom and SHE was the only person who's authority or opinions I needed to concern myself with. She never allowed me to use my friends for my excuses or alibis. Such as..I'm sorry mom...But Megan was driving I cant help it we were late. She didn't want to hear excuses.....She explained that I was responsible for my own activities and I was well aware of the rules I had to go by. If I knew my ride wasn't going to get me home on time..I had better call her and make other arrangements to get home. She gave me a curfew...and I was allowed to come home early....but late..even 5 minutes late wasn't an option.

If my plans changed when I was out in any way.....I had better give her a phone call with an update. I was never ever to make her worry about me or wonder where I was. These things were not negotiable. EVER!

My mom didn't have to spank me because I knew the rules. I knew the consequences for breaking the rules. And if I had a lapse in memory or judgment..she had this look she gave me that said very clearly "I'm this close to going terminator on you so knock it off". She never had to do it...I never tested it out..never wanted to. I had known the woman all my life and had no doubt it wasn't an empty threat.

Now just so we are clear....I don't think an infant understands or knows what spanking is. A very small child is all about its basic needs...food.....sleep....dry clothing...affection. But if by the age of two you haven't started teaching your child the word NO...then YOU ARE screwing up. I'm not advocating hitting a child with things...I'm not advocating hitting a child with fists or hitting a child in anger or in a manner that could be considered beating them. Lets use simple common sense here.

But I don't think its necessary to legislate to parents what type of discipline they feel is appropriate for their own children. If you think that violence is an issue in society...Then find a way to address violence. Do it in the music you listen to or the games you play or the movies you watch. If you think that people need to be taught how to behave with their kids...then make it a law they have to actually raise them and interact with them if you think you can.

Because I have to tell you...As strict as my mom was with me about some things....I have never had any doubt that she loved me. She told me all the time..she showed me often in many different ways. She has always been there for me, involved in every aspect of my life from the time I was very small up to now. I will admit there have been times when I would have liked to be adopted..she got on ALL my nerves. But I also know that if I need an honest answer or someone to help me up if I fall...day or night...my mom is the one I call.

More Brain Candy....

2007-01-06T18:30:00.000-05:00

I love reading the weird news. I realize that these articles aren't life changing. They usually don't deal with any real earth shattering issues. Lets face it most of the time its just brain candy. Stuff that you may read and laugh at while shaking your head and muttering under your breath....."What are they thinking"...

Grandma's Fruitcakes~
First there was the grandma who during this past holiday season was put into tears over being questioned about her fruitcakes. Apparently she takes her baking very seriously. So when the clerk at her local Post Office asked her what kind of explosives she had in her packages.... She was embarrassed and humiliated to the point of tears. She was apparently so distraught that upon leaving the post office she tripped and fell, breaking her glasses and chipping a tooth.

OH NO THE HORROR! This traumatic experience prompted Grandma to try and sue the USPS for emotional distress.

I have a grandma...I am as sympathetic as the next person to someone's tender feelings. BUT woman you need to get a grip. It was a question that the Post Office is now required to ask of EVERYONE concerning any packages being mailed through them. The clerk probably knowing what you were mailing asked it in humor..which is why it got a laugh from the other customers who were waiting in line behind you at the Post Office.

I doubt seriously that the clerk in question was trying to be offensive in anyway. Yes maybe he should have been a little more professional when he asked if you had a bomb in your fruitcakes. But if you tripped and fell on your way out the door perhaps you either need to adjust that prescription on those glasses you were wearing or look where you are going. Just a thought.

But to sue because of emotional distress?? PLEASE! In my opinion there was more than one fruitcake in this story.

Littering On The Highway~
Two teenage girls going down the highway......One of the young women (the passenger) decides it would be a good idea to remove her bra and hang it from the antenna of the car she was in. As you might guess the laws of physics kick in here.....Car travels at high rate of speed....Wind pressure on outside of car dislodges poorly attatched undergarment..... Causing said undergarment to go flying.

AWWWW I feel her pain...I loose more underwear that way. [NOT] Apparently the car behind them didn't fair to well when Victorias Secret decided to go flying away. The man driving said he swerved to miss the flying bra....and in doing so caused his vehicle to over turn and flip several times. Resulting in injuries to the driver and his passenger.

That's a very tragic story all right and definitely reckless on the part of the young lady who attempted to fly her bra like a flag.

So then why did the young woman only get charged with littering on the highway? She apparently caused an accident that resulted in injuries didn't she? Hmmmmmm

Could it be because according to the young ladies involved.....the men in question were apparently trying to pull up beside the girls car, encouraging them to flash their naked breasts at them while driving. OH MY! Imagine my surprise.

That's when they lost my sympathy...what about yours?

Court Says Topless Is Ok~
A court upheld a ruling that a woman could indeed protest topless if she wanted to. This ruling struck down a prior arrest of a women who repeatedly ignored laws about women going bare breasted in public.

There is a part of me likes this story...NOT because I'm all that crazy about seeing a woman topless in or out of public. But because its sort of a matter of fairness isn't it?

She protested topless in front of statues which were also topless. The ordinance in question bans public nudity. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But if your going to ban something because you feel its inappropriate......then it shouldn't be gender based. For that matter if your going to say that a topless real woman is considered indecent in public.....then shouldn't art depicting a topless woman also be indecent in public? Therefore the topless statues she protested in front of were illegal too. Right or wrong?

I do understand the differences that we as a society place on seeing a topless female vs a topless male. But technically...its the same thing. Its just become socially acceptable for a male to be topless where its taboo for women. I think it stems from that whole child bearing breast feeding thing that gets everyone so antsy...

I'm not in anyway trying to condone or promote women being allowed to do this publicly. In fact, I'm not saying they should or they shouldn't one way or the other. All I am doing is asking some questions here. If your going to have a law.....shouldn't it be a law that does not hinder one group over another? Shouldn't it be fair and represent both sexes equally.

Last time I checked the laws were supposed to be of the people for the people by the people. I think this means men as well as women......doesn't it?

I Wonder

2007-01-03T21:47:00.000-05:00

I wonder what kind of place the world would be...

If we lived in a world where instead of countries sending their people out to fight their wars, they made their respective leaders do it themselves- in the traditional sense. One on one... face to face... and with bare fists. I wonder- would the bullies of the world still win?

I wonder what kind of place the world would be...

If we lived in a world where a leader was willing to get his own hands dirty. Would that same leader be willing to go out and live in the same conditions that he asks and expects his troops to live in? And if he did... would he still choose to go to war and the fight for his cause when it was he that had to give up his family, his friends and the comforts of his home instead of his nameless, faceless troops? .

I wonder what kind of world we would have...

If we had to take a test before we could marry. What if it simply wasn't enough to just be in love? That we actually had to think about what our lives would be like, once we tied the proverbial knot. And what if we actually had to have a plan and have answers as to how we planned to conduct our lives as a married couple? Would people be so quick to do it then, if they knew they were being going to be graded on their responses?

What if we were made to actually parent our children? What would happen if in order to have a child we actually had to be able to prove that we would always be around to raise it? What if we didn't have the option of leaving that said child with nanny's,family, friends and/or day care more hours in the day than we could actually spend with it ourselves? What if we were forced to go to all the soccer games, help with the homework and each day spend a set amount of time interacting with them?

What then? Would we stop having as many children if we really had to choose between career and family? Would the world be a better place? If our children are the future of our countries and the future of our very planet- would we be better people if we actually had to learn from our children instead of the other way around?

I wonder what kind of world this would be...

IF ONE DAY, ALL OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

2007-01-01T18:28:00.000-05:00

WARNING: There is a predator on the loose that poses a serious threat to society.

THE BUNNY BOILER

The Bunny Boiler [bun-nee - boil r] (noun): Referring to a predatory, self-centered, self-absorbed and sometimes seemingly insane type of female. It can also be referred to by its lesser known name Femalious Carnivorous which is of Latin origin.

It has been my experience that the Bunny Boiler type of female is often very attractive. She will appear perfumed, polished and perfectly clothed. Her personality will be charming and flirtatious drawing not only the male of the species to her, but female as well. Although it should be noted that the attraction of male vs. females will be for opposite reasons.

Males will be attracted to her as a possible romantic-love interest..While the female will be drawn to her because of her strong yet intimidating personality. Females in her company will hope to also be seen as strong and even popular themselves through association. All in all the Bunny Boiler is an adept predator who can change her personality or appearance to blend in to her current surroundings to ensure optimal hunting success.

SIGNS TO LOOK FOR:

A woman who starts making wedding plans or naming your future children after only a few dates. A woman who is not only overly interested in your social status and how much money you make, but also the net worth of immediate family members, such as parents or grandparents as well. A woman who is so completely self-absorbed and self-centered to the point that she truly believes the world and its inhabitants were all put there for her exclusive amusement and servitude. (See reference: Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. )

NOTE: The Bunny Boiler should not to be confused with the more commonly seen "Damsel in Distress". The Damsel may display similar traits to the Bunny Boiler, but is overall non-threatening and relatively harmless.

From my own personal experiences with the Bunny Boiler type of female I have noticed another thing about their habits. They have the ability to cleverly disguise themselves as "girl" friends. I unfortunately had to find this out the hard way- after I realized they were much more interested in the guy I was currently dating rather than in my friendship.

Which brings me to my next tell-tale sign to look out for: Loyalty.

Most Bunny Boilers have no loyalty. They do not and cannot grasp the concept of loyalty to a friend. Nor can they be totally loyal to the men they date. This is largely due to the simple fact that most Bunny Boilers are very focused on their needs and wants above all else. Just so long as the people they surround themselves with fulfill the basic need of utter servitude and adoration of them.....the Bunny Boiler is content to keep them in her circle.

However, should the unsuspecting friend or love interest no longer provide this service to the said Bunny Boiler, she will be all too quick and happy to move on and simply replace them. This is because, to the Bunny Boiler, friends as well as love-interests are easily replaced and interchangeable.

I used to believe that Bunny Boilers were a product of their upbringing... that they were simply females who had been given everything they ever wanted all their lives. Who had been so pampered and spoiled to the point that as they grew up they maintained that "princess" type mentality- and expected and often demanded others to continue to see and treat them as such.

After getting the chance to observe the interaction between men and women in romantic relationships, I have come to the conclusion there are in actual fact two types of Bunny Boilers:

-those created by nature and

- those who were created by contact with the player/womanizer type of male. [the male equivalent of the Bunny Boiler]

I have observed that this type of Bunny Boiler thinking usually occurs in females that are either unwilling to stand up for themselves or who lack enough inner confidence to realize they are being treated poorly. As the romantic relationship ends these females are sometimes left twisted and turned inside out by men of this type.

So much so, it leaves the female in question completely disillusioned and often jaded when it comes to her next romantic interest. The end result is that the innocent suffer after the female adopts the classic "Do unto others before they are able to do unto you" attitude. Changing the once "nice girl" into the more preditory and selfish Bunny Boiler.

There does not seem to be any cure to the Bunny Boiler and her charms. There is no vaccine to make you immune to her. Those who choose to ignore all the signs and symptoms of a Bunny Boiler female and become involved with her anyway usually do so at their own peril. It is rare that an individual can get away unscathed after immediate contact.

She is the human equivalent to Tic-Tac-Toe...the only way to win.....is not to play her game.

Off The Chain And Over The Fence

2006-12-23T15:02:00.000-05:00

The US has come up with the best idea yet to solve the problem of keeping individuals from crossing this countries borders and illegally entering our country. For those of you who don't know about this truly revolutionary idea..Its a fence.

Yep that's right a chain link fence. A very long.....very tall chain link fence. The idea being that we are going to literally fence off our country from Mexico thus eliminating those pesky unauthorized visitors.

Now..correct me if I'm wrong here...But a lot of these "visitors" are crossing over the border in the dead of night. They are in some cases walking across desert in harsh and even life threatening conditions. They will evade border patrols, swim rivers, get stuffed into trunks of cars, the back of trucks, whatever means necessary to get themselves from Mexico to the US. These all sound like some pretty extreme risks to take wouldn't you say?

So excuse me for raising my eyebrows slightly when the concept of a chain link fence is thought to be the answer.

Hmmmmm could it be that maybe the powers that be are under the impression that those crossing over our borders from the south aren't able to climb over...dig under or simply cut a fence to get past it? Or maybe they are thinking because some of these people are poor..They are also too stupid to think of a way around a fence? If so, Id like to point out that poor does not equate with stupid.

While I realize that this fence is also suppose to have some high tech extras..such as cameras, sensors and even listening devices installed along it. I have to ask myself when I cant even get my cable or DSL to function properly all the time..Is this high tech fence really going to be without its own laundry list of technical difficulties? Plus..as we all know..each time we create some new high tech gizmo designed to make things fool proof..there is always some hacker out there trying to prove us wrong.

Along with the vast distance that needs to be covered already being a problem..... From what I read..there may not be enough funding to actually complete more than 700 miles of the fence already being built..... Definitly not enough to complete the entire job which is over 1900 miles.

Lastly and also somewhat ironically...The company that was hired to build this fence is now in a lot of hot water. Being fined some 15 million dollars for using illegal immigrants to build the same fence designed to keep them out.

Common..you gotta love the humor in that one...

The Christmas Letter

2006-12-06T20:15:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a very naughty little boy. So naughty in fact that his parents didn't know what to do with him. They had tried everything they could think of to get him to behave..but it was no use. (I personally think military school should have been an option..but that's just me)

When it came time for Christmas, just like other children his age he also had a long wish list of things he wanted to find under the tree on Christmas morning. But the one thing..the only thing that his heart really desired was a new bike.

However when asking his parents about the object of his desire..His parents said that he had been so naughty lately that they didn't think he would be getting a new bike. The boy not willing to be put off so easily had thought to side step his parents, skipping the middle man so to speak and go straight to the source and ask Santa Claus himself for the bike.

When telling his friend and occasional partner in crime Simon about his plan...Simons response wasn't very favorable. Simon, who had a little more knowledge of the way the world worked..Informed the boy that Santa was pretty much on board with anything the parents wanted. In fact..... Simon said that was the whole purpose of the naughty-nice list that was heard of in songs.

Simon then informed his friend that anyone found on Santa's Naughty list....probably couldn't get away with asking for a new bike. The boy was now feeling a bit discouraged. Then Simon gave him the one piece of information that gave the boy renewed hope.

Simon said that he had learned that Jesus was the reason we celebrated Christmas. That it was because Jesus was born on that day. Jesus as it turns out was also highly connected with the main guy God himself.....so therefore had a lot of pull. And...Jesus as luck would have it, was also professional forgiver. Sooo if anyone could talk Santa into getting the boy a new bike..it would be Jesus.

The boy decides to write his letter to Jesus asking him to ask Santa to bring him the bike. Knowing that Jesus wasn't one to be lied to or fooled. The boy realized that if he was going to get Jesus on his side he was going to have to make some promises.

So..he sat down and wrote his letter...

Dear Jesus,

I promise to be good for 1 whole month if you will please tell Santa Claus to bring me a bike.
Thank you and Amen.

He didn't know if the Amen was used for letters of this kind..but he felt like it couldn't hurt to use some manners in this case. He stuffed the letter into an envelope and marched down stairs headed off to the mailbox.

But that's when it happened...he began thinking. A month of good behavior..thats a long time. It could even last weeks and weeks...Could he really do that? That was some hard time. So he sat down and took the letter out again..crossing off the word month..he replaced it with week. Then re-read his letter...

Dear Jesus,

I promise to be good for 1 whole week if you will please tell Santa Claus to bring me a bike.
Thank you and Amen.

He started to fold the letter back up and place it back in its envelope but started thinking again...A week..thats like 7 whole days of being good. Could he really even do that?

Thats when the second idea came to him...

He went to the mantle and took down his mothers statue of the Virgin Mary. He then wrapped it up in a towel..placed it in a shoe box and then took that box up to his room. Putting the shoe box to the very back of his closet. He then shut the door tightly and sat down to write his new letter.

Dear Jesus,

If you ever want to see your mother again....

Faking It

2006-11-30T19:09:00.000-05:00

I suppose its human to tell the occasional white lie here and there. Lets be honest..who hasn't bent the truth slightly when faced with either hurting someone's feelings or opting for the much easier.."No those don't make your butt look big at all" approach.

Shocking as it may seem...I will even admit there have been a few times in my life when I have faked illness to get out of school or work for that much needed mental health day. But this guy I just read about took the fake cough and sniffle skip day to a whole new level.

When going with his girl friend to her Doctors appointment...He decides to swipe a blank doctors note from the office to excuse himself from work for a few days. Seven days to be exact. Which in my opinion was a little excessive and probably the very thing that drew attention to him.

Now I'm in no way saying it was a good thing to swipe the note or fake the sick days. However, I would almost give him points for being creative enough to think up the note scheme for himself. If it were not for one thing.....

The Doctor his girlfriend was seeing was a gynecologist. I have to ask...what was he thinking? If youre going to go to the trouble of stealing a note..at least do it from a doctor you could have actually seen...Because unless I'm mistaken....one of the main requirements to be seen in this office is possession of a uterus. Which I'm guessing this guy more than likely didn't have.

His employers who were as you can imagine slightly suspicious of his note from a gynecologist decided to call him on it and take him to court. They wanted reimbursement for his sick pay. Understandable.

End result: A Judge in his infinite wisdom told the guy to pay back half of the sick leave he had been given, and to basically stop faking doctors notes and pretending to be pregnant.

I think that's good advise.

Moral of the story: There are some things in life you can fake...but having a uterus is not one of them.

Inhumane Or Genius? You decide...

2006-11-25T09:19:00.000-05:00

I got this in an email the other day about Sheriff Joe Arpaio. I had heard about this Sheriff before, seen interviews and commentary about him in the news. His views on prisons and care of prisoners had been very controversial. I personally think the man has his priorities in the right place.

However..Ill let you decided. These are the reasons that this sheriff of Maricopa County Arizona keeps being re-elected.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the "tent city jail" to save Arizona from spending tens of million of dollars on another expensive prison complex.
These tents were purchased from Army surplus and are the same type our military use on a daily basis.

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
As a law abiding citizen don't you also have to pay for your meals?

He banned smoking and porn magazines in the jails, and took away their weight lifting equipment and cut off all but "G-rated" movies. He says: "They're in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault innocent people when they leave."
Doesn't sound harsh or cruel to me.

He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city projects and save taxpayer's money.
Sounds to me like he's giving them a job that gives back to the community.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
We have to be fair to everyone don't we?

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney channel and the Weather channel. When asked why the weather channel he replied: "So these morons will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs."
Ok using the word "morons" is sort of harsh. Shame on you Sheriff Joe!

He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."
Sounds like wise advise and career counseling all in one.

He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why 95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.
Now this does sound slightly inhumane...But since I have never actually heard Mr Gingrich's lecture series..I have to withhold my opinion until I am better informed.

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record for June 2nd), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed- wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
He cant control the weather....can he?

Hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were chatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees. "This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace," said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. "It's inhumane."
No Mr Gonzales...its prison. Hell wont allow you to wear the pink boxer shorts, live in a tent or chat with your friends.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches,is not one bit sympathetic. "Criminals should be punished for their crimes -not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commitmore crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoythings many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves."
What a concept...criminals not being pampered while in jail. Possibly saving tax payer money in the process..Is the man insane???
FYI: They wear pink because for a time it became a fad to purchase clothing that had County Jail stamped on it. By makeing the clothing pink it made it less appealing to buy. Its hard to look like a badass in pink.

He told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents: "It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are livingin tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shutyour damned mouths!"
AMEN! If its good enough for the men and women who defend this nation..Its more than good enough for those who contribute nothing to it.

So tell me what do you think about this Sheriff? Would you vote for him?

I personally think this man is a genius. I would gladly vote for him. As a matter of fact. Put him in charge of our prison system on a national level and he will have my support.

You want a crime deterrent? Then follow this Sheriffs example and make the place you send someone who commits a crime an unappealing place to stay. Even if your not bright enough to keep yourself from the first visit to this type of prison...Id be willing to bet you wont be a repeat customer.

My thanks to Adrian who sent this to me. I do agree with it. Consider it passed on.

If He Did It?

2006-11-15T23:28:00.000-05:00

OJ Simpson is back in the news again. This time we aren't sitting there glued to our TV's watching him on a football field. Or waiting to see if he will be convicted of his late wife Nichole Brown Simpsons murder. His glory days of football are long since over. And as we all know...the once famous, now infamous ex football player was found not guilty of killing his wife Nichole and her friend Ronald Goldman.

This time he's written a book. Purely fictional according to OJ.....The book is called If I Did It. Its a written account of how he would have killed his wife had he actually done so.

IS ANYONE ELSE BOTHERED BY THIS OR IS IT JUST ME?

There are so many reasons why this is so wrong, where do you even begin? First of all the victims families. Isn't it bad enough they lost their son and daughter? Then to add insult to injury they had to watch the man they thought committed the crime go free. And now this same man is writing a book describing how he would have murdered their child!!

Even if this man has no remorse or consideration for these families....I have to ask doesn't he care for his own children? He does after all have a son and daughter from his marriage to Nichole. Children who maybe the biggest victims in this crime. Children who lost their mother. Who had to endure the publicity of their fathers murder trial. Who now have to endure the publicity that will go along with this book their father has written about killing their mother.

This book, fiction or not...is wrong. We have laws that keep criminals from writing tell all books about their crimes and then making a profit on those books. But since OJ wasn't convicted of this crime he doesn't fall into this category.

Is this the his way of flaunting the fact he got away with this crime? Or is it just all about money or fame?

I guess we no longer have to ask the question Did OJ kill his wife. Now the only question will be....

HOW MUCH MONEY WILL HE GET PAID TO TELL US ABOUT IT?

Who's Your Daddy?

2006-11-10T10:44:00.000-05:00

During the recent elections there was quite a bit of candidate mud slinging going on. There is always a little of that during every election. But this time around in my view, there seemed to be a lot more than what could be considered normal.

But...not all the mud slinging of this years election went to waste. I actually managed to learn something. Yeah, I know it surprised me too. Just when you think the kids aren't looking....guess what....we are.

I don't always take all that "He said... She said" stuff that goes on too seriously. You know as well as I do there are always two sides to every story. How a story is spun to the public usually determines whether the person in question comes out looking like a hero or a villain. But I have learned that if you take the time to read and investigate a little bit...You can usually get enough of the pieces of the puzzle to determine what the real story is.

Which brings me to the 2006 compaign prior to the elections......This year they were talking about something they referred to as the Scarlet Letter Law. It was 106 pages of legislation concerning adoption. The law states that when a woman offers a child up for adoption, if the father of the child cannot be identified...the woman is then required to publish the details of every sexual encounter she has ever had that could have caused pregnancy.

Yep that's right....She has to name names if she has any, along with descriptions of the men to the local news paper where the sexual encounters occurred. The idea being, that if any would be father is out there, he could read this...possibly recognize himself....and come forward to claim his rights to the child if he so chooses.

What prompted this law to come about? That would be the several high profile cases of fathers appearing after the fact, contesting and attempting to reverse adoptions of their biological children. Those organizations that back the law, say that it ensures that fathers are not excluded from the adoption process.

David Wilson founder of Fathers Awareness of Rights and Custody Equality in Cocoa Beach, Fla. said "Allowing mothers to put their children up for adoption without notifying the father is just another attempt to take the father out of the picture".

Is it really?

Now, I would have to say that I acknowledge a fathers rights to parent. I will be the first to admit fathers provide a valuable contribution to their children's lives. But what is the reality of these pregnancies? Is this some woman trying to shut out her babies daddy? Or could this be a girl who maybe got herself into a situation and decided that abortion wasn't for her.

Because lets face facts here. If you really want to shut the guy out of the process...That's the way to do it once and for all. Some of the attorneys who handle these types of adoption cases regularly..... are saying that more and more of their clients are deciding to go with the abortion option rather than be put through the public humiliation of the current law.

Several adoption agencies through out the state have even reported a dramatic decline of adoptions taking place since the law was passed. To add insult to injury and making the entire process even more difficult...Some news papers are refusing to run the ads...others put them so far to the back of the news paper in small tiny print that they would be almost impossible to find unless you were looking for them. Which basically means the woman is still put through this indignity and the end result is that it was for nothing.

I do have to say that I am surprised at those groups that have stood up to oppose this law. It seems like when there is so little most groups can agree on lately...Anti-abortion and Pro-abortion groups alike think this law is a bad idea. Those two groups alone being in agreement should send up a red flag about this law..... Lets face it they don't agree on anything...EVER! Not to mention several of the clergy and religious organizations all believe this law is ill conceived.

Here's my take on this drama....First of all..I have to tell you...I wouldn't put myself in the anti-abortion camp. But I am a woman who feels that life begins at conception. I think once you shove that sperm and egg together...its a done deal. Having said that, I'm not here trying to debate or judge anyone who has a different point of view than my own. But I do think that there are a lot of people out there who would LOVE to parents. Some who would actually take the job seriously and do a good job raising another human being to become a normal healthy adult. This law in my opinion lessens the likely hood of that occurring. The fact a woman finds out she has become pregnant unexpectedly is traumatic enough, without heaping on public humiliation of her sexual behavior on top of that.

I will be the first to admit that there are those individuals out there male and female who need to give some serious thought to their sexual behavior. Lets face it..if you cant recall who the dad might be or even know his name..It maybe time to rethink your social life somewhat and possibly get a new hobby.

But in my eyes...If you find yourself pregnant and you realize that becoming a parent isn't a good idea for whatever reason. Then placing that child with a family that is ready.....is the most responsible and unselfish thing you can do. Its giving that child a chance for a good life and giving two people who want that child a chance to love it and raise it. Why would we want to put a law into place that would discourage women or anyone from doing that?

Another reason this law doesnt make sense is because in this country at the moment there are Safe Haven Laws in each state with the exception of two. That means if you have a baby...and do not want that baby. You can take it to a designated place...such as a church, hospital, fire station, police station etc...and hand the child to a responsible party and just say I don't want this baby. That's it...no questions asked. The safe haven concept was designed so that there would be an alternative to placing the child in a dumpster or leaving it in a bathroom stall. How many stories do we hear similar to those each and every day? They happen because the female giving birth is more afraid of someone finding out that she gave birth rather than the consequences of what she has done to her child after the fact. How tragic and sad is that?

I suppose I just don't get the thinking of some legislators or for that matter some of the general public. Each generation of children will be the future of this country. When are we going to start treating them as a priority. Making them precious and a valuable. Making sure that there are measures in place that make it easier for children to be put in safe and loving hands instead of being disposed of like so much garbage.

If you don't ever think about this aspect of your country....maybe its time you should. None of us are getting any younger. One day not only will these children be running things, but they will be the ones to decide what's to be done with YOU. How you treat them now may determine how valuable they view your life when you get to be too old to contribute any longer.

Think about it.

Believe In Something Or Fall For Anything

2006-11-04T08:59:00.000-05:00

After my last two posts on crime and criminals....It still has me thinking and a little mad. I think changing our laws and the way we prosecute law breakers is only a small part of the problem. Its like bailing water out of a ship that is destined to sink.

I'm thinking we need to look deeper and look at the things that have brought us here. We have taken political correctness to an unhealthy level. We are so afraid to offend some individual or group...that we are bending over backwards in the opposite direction to keep it from happening. In the process we are giving up some of our core beliefs and values by doing so. What's that quote?..."Evil exists when good men stand by and do nothing".

This country was founded on the principles of free speech and freedom from religious persecution. So that means that we cant just defend those that think like us. It means we have to defend those who's values and beliefs are repugnant to us as well. We have to defend the Devil himself...or at least his right to speak. But allowing someone to voice their opinions doesn't mean that we give them power over us or the right to speak for us and make decisions for us.

So I will ask you...How far are we going to be pushed before we say this is enough? It's time to put away our apathy. I'm not sure if I am considered a conservative or republican or whatever label you want to put on the things I think and believe. I will say this, I am tired of those who think "anything goes" running things. I am tired of them telling me I cant wish someone a Merry Christmas because it might offend those who don't believe in it. Or that I can't pray any place I damn well choose. Or that two consenting adults can't get married if they want to. I am tired of them not taking the time to raise their own children and teach them self respect and basic values. I am tired of being made to feel I am bad for having a faith or being an American.

I AM AN AMERICAN! That is not a dirty word...We are not all the devil as some would like to believe. I AM A CHRISTIAN! Again not a dirty word or a bad thing to be. I am glad I live in a country that you don't have to believe the way I believe to live here. In fact...there are many who don't, who would strongly disagree with my philosophies or beliefs.

You know what....MORE POWER TO YOU! Just don't ask me to bend over anymore and give up my beliefs to keep from hurting your tender little feelings. I'm tired of it. If you don't like the way I believe..or you don't like the fact that I'm an American....then all I can say to you is suck it up and deal with it. The same way I have to when I don't like something you say or do.

I may have to accept the right of those who make music that offends me....or movies and video games. I may have to accept that there are groups, political and religious who have the right to protest against me and or people like me. Trust me, I do accept it. And to be honest I'm even ok with it. Have a different point of view....GREAT! But screw off if you think you can stop me from having mine! If I have to accept it..so do YOU.

When are we going to embrace old fashioned values like Honesty....Fidelity...Loyalty...Hard work. These aren't dirty words either.

When are we going to say that we need to have faith again? To be proud we believe in something. Saying a prayer isn't a bad thing, no matter who you are praying to. It isn't going to bring down the fall of our government or society. If that happens it wont be from our faith...but our lack of it.

When are we going to say we need to parent our own kids and stop letting daycare, video games and rap singers do it for us? Do you think that kids just turn bad? That they take random sexual partners, do drugs or join gangs because they like the cool clothes and the firearms?? They are looking for something. They want to feel like they belong. They want to feel that sense of family...If YOU don't give it to them someone else will. If you don't want to parent...Its simple....DON'T HAVE KIDS.

If two consenting adults want to marry and have a long term committed monogamous relationship....I don't care what gender they are. Let them do it. Is it more important to condemn them because they don't love the same way you do? Or embrace the fact that they want to live law abiding, honest hardworking lives? Would it be so terrible that they may actually provide a postitive contribution to their community and society even though they aren't like YOU?

Just because someone looks like you doesn't make them right or better. When are we going to realize this and stop judging everyone on whether they look like us, live like us or think like us. Its not about what they say, but rather about what they do. To me, actions speak much louder than words ever could.

It comes down to deciding on what kind of country we want. What kind of people we want to be. What kind of society we want to live in and then making a stand. I am tired of feeling pushed. I am tired of feeling as though I cant do anything about this.

They say if you don't stand for something...YOU will fall for anything. Well I'm making my stand. Here's my line in the sand:

I'm 20, I'm an American and I'm a Christian. I am hard working, honest, monogamous, loyal and female and I'm done taking crap!

PS: MERRY CHRISTMAS

Poor Choices

2006-10-29T18:18:00.000-05:00

This past week I have thought about how I feel about crime and the way we punish and even dispose of those individuals who commit crimes in this country. I had to ask myself if I was objective when looking at this problem. The answer I've come up with is NO, I am not.

A few months ago I was a witness to a premeditated violent crime. I was three feet away from a friend who was stabbed in the back with a steak knife taken from a restaurant that we had just been inside of. It only took moments....but at that moment.....time just slowed down to a crawl. Right now even as I think about it, things continue to move in slow motion.

The knife penetrated my friends back three different times...Once only millimeters away from his spinal cord. Another, just a shallow blow. The third punctured his lung.

I remember hearing screaming.....Was that my voice? I recall thinking my friend is being killed. I remember the flash of metal of the knife blade in the lights of the parking lot. I remember the faces of other friends as they pulled the attacker off of my friend, relieving him of his knife. I remember seeing my friend laying there bleeding.....his blood all over the hood of the car. I remember being the one to have to call his Mom. Waking her from a sound sleep to tell her that her son had been stabbed and was being life flighted to a hospital 60 miles away. I remember the sound of her voice..the fear in it.

But this isn't about me or what I felt or remember. It is about knowing that the guy who stabbed my friend had been arrested before. In fact 3 times prior to the attack. All three times during an 8 month period prior to the stabbing of my friend. That he had been arrested for drugs and assault. That on each occasion he had been arrested and then released on bond. Which is why he was out walking freely the night he decided to stick a steak knife in my friend.

The simple fact that this man in question, the attacker...was at home with his family before my friend even was able to leave the hospital from his injuries was offensive to me. The fact that this man shows no remorse or guilt for what he's done.

Proof of that is the way he walked into a store while my friend standing at the counter paying for his purchases...He walked up behind my friend, getting as close as he can get with out touching him and stands there. Almost as if daring my friend, his former victim to say something...to react in some way. That is not a man who has remorse or feels guilt over what he's done. That is a man who's saying "I'm walking around free what are you going to do about it"? Knowing all to well that there is nothing that we can do to him or about him. He's laughing at us. At this system.

So am I objective about crime and punishment?? The answer would be..... NO I AM NOT.

I believe that most of the people in our prison system right now deserve to be there. I also believe that most were given multiple chances to straighten out before being locked up for good. So no, I have no sympathy for those behind bars. Its not a question that they may have made bad choices. Of course they did....they are in prison. Maybe there are even those individuals who have remorse for what they have done.

But you know what? Most of us go out into this world every single day and we make a choice to abide the law and not to commit a crime. We may want things, but we don't just take them if they aren't ours. We have people who make us angry and we make a choice not to pick up a weapon as a response to that anger.

So forgive me if I don't feel all touchy feely over someone else's poor choices. Or the need to give each individual a "do over card" because they made a that poor choice. I don't give a damn about your poor choices. YOU were more than likely taught the difference between right and wrong just as I was. YOU probably knew before you did whatever it was, that it wasn't the right thing to do. YOU knew, but you did it anyway. You got behind the wheel of that car after drinking....You took drugs or sold them...You took something that didn't belong to you.....You hurt another person because you didn't like them or were angry. What ever your reason for what you did...YOU DID IT. You made the choice to screw up your life. Deal with the consequences of it.

I have made my share of mistakes in my life. Luckily for me..none of them have been bad enough to land me in jail. But having said that, even I have some family members on my all too colorful family tree that have first hand knowledge of a jail cell...I have one family member that's even spent time in prison. Did I like it that this happened to them? No. Did each of them do something to deserve being in jail? YES THEY DID. They broke the law. I knew it..they knew it. Did I have sympathy for them being in jail..NOPE.

YES I felt disappointed that they made a poor choice. That the were stupid enough to get themselves arrested. I suppose there was even a part of me that wished that they had actually used the few brain cells God had given them and weren't out doing bone headed things. Things that not only hurt them...but their families as well. But the bottom line is...they didn't think..they did it..and they deserved to be where they were.

There is NO such thing as a victimless crime. Because as a tax payer as a citizen..each time someone makes one of those "poor choices". I pay for it. I pay for it by having a prison built in my back yard. I pay for it with my taxes, that house, feed, entertain and even educate that prisoner. I pay for it by having to lock up everything I own so that no one takes it from me. I will pay for it by not being able to let my future children play outside by themselves in their own neighborhood. That those same children cant go to school with out walking past a metal detector. That they cant wear backpacks any longer, just in case someone wants to bring a gun to class. I pay for it when I cant even go out to have breakfast at night with a group of friends without one of them ending up in the hospital.

Do you want to know the truth? I'm tired of paying for it!!! When are the people who make good choices going to matter more than the ones who don't?

WHEN ARE THE VICTIMS GOING TO MATTER MORE THAN THE CRIMINALS?

Law And Order

2006-10-25T09:39:00.000-04:00

I read the short article the other day about the 59 year old inmate who refused the offer to be let out of jail. This was a German man who had been convicted of murder in 1972 and has spent the last 34 years in jail. He was sentenced to life imprisonment...and apparently is taking that job seriously. This is the second time he's been given the chance to walk out of prison and he's declined.

I cant speak about the German prison system. I know very little about how they do things there. But it has brought up some issues I do have with the way that we do things in this country. And I'm pretty sure some of my views wont be too popular..but bear with me anyway.

First, I live in the south...and around here prisons pop up faster than weeds in a vegetable garden. I live in a very rural and some what economically depressed area. And judging by the number of prisons springing up lately, I guess somebody thinks that not only do we have the room for prisons..but that they would be of great benefit to the economy here! I think NOT.

Right now we seem to be building prisons fast and furiously. All the time we hear complaints about how we have prison over crowding..and have a need for even more prisons. I cant help asking myself: "WHY?"

Is it because we just have a society now that is now more corrupt and therefore more people who are breaking the law? Or is it that when we can catch a criminal..and sentence him, but we cant seem to follow through with punisment?

Are our laws and the punishments for breaking those laws insuffient to detour crime?

So I wanna know....Just how many men do we have at present sitting on death row in this country? And how many years have they been in this holding pattern of waiting for their sentence to be carried out? How long do we continue to let someone appeal and appeal before we say enough is enough?

YES, I realize that nobody wants to run the risk of convicting an innocent person. I also will admit our system is flawed and occasionally I'm sure that's exactly what happens. But I would also be willing to bet that the vast majority of people currently taking up residence in our prisons probably belong there. And yes, I will even go one step further and say that most sentenced to death..probably deserve that too.

I'm not here trying to debate the morality or validity of capital punishment. But I do think that if you create a law that says if you commit this crime, are convicted.. and this is your punishment...then that punishment should be carried out. Otherwise, whats the point?

So do we change the laws?....Change our system of how these laws are enforced? Truthfully, I don't know. But I DO know that its not enough to talk the talk...YOU have to be willing to stand up and then take action too.

If you cant...then remove the law or step aside and let others step up who can.

FORMULA ONE ADDICTION

2006-10-19T22:29:00.000-04:00

Are you one of those people that think Formula One (F1) is BORING?

I am a new fan to Formula One (F1) racing......And truthfully I guess if you had asked me that question this time last year.....I might have agreed with you. I admit I'm still learning my way around this amazing sport..... So I cant tell you all the stats and figures that a long time fan could. What I can tell you is that I love it! I never really saw myself as someone who would get into this kind of thing.......Now I'm totally hooked.

This coming weekends race should send this addiction into overdrive for a number of reasons. Mainly because its the last race of the season..That means every driver will be going all out to win it, making the unpredictability of it all really amazing to watch.

Plus...Its the last race for the former seven time FIA F1 World Champion Michael Schumacher...who will be hanging up his helmet and retiring from F1 for good after this ultimate race. That sports fans will all by itself make this race historic.

Oh and just for the record....... We are cheering for Ferrari (Schumachers team) to win this race and most importantly, the title. Admittedly that's not going to be easy to do, virtually impossible even. After an engine failure last week cost him the race and his championship lead. BUT.... the past has proven that it is never a good idea to write off the legendary multi world champion.

He may need a miracle. Well... it just so happens that I believe in miracles. If anyone can pull this off- its Michael.

SO HAPPY RACING SPORTS FANS!!

(Hope you liked the video) : )

Special Thanks and love to Adrian, for his help with writing, editing and video for this post. And for introducing me to F1.

The Sounds Of The Dark

2006-10-16T20:41:00.000-04:00

I am a firm believer in the boogie man. I will never be the girl who is home alone in the house..hears the noise and then goes to investigate. I have watched one to many movies and know what happens when you do that.

Ok, well there was that one time a year or so ago that I had to tupperwear that bat that got in our house..but that was the ONLY time.

I don't dangle my feet over the edge of the bed at night. AND I don't go walking off in the dark all by myself. Which is why this weekend when we were all hanging out around a bon fire and I decided I needed to go out to the car...I took my friend Heather with me. The fire was in the back yard.....which of course is where most of the people were. The cars were parked in the front...no people...lots of dark.

Everything was going well...Heather and I were talking. We got out almost to the car...when I heard the noise. Now it wasn't just a rustle of the wind noise..it wasn't the scurry noise of some small furry woodland creature....This was the noise of a serial killer...it was the boogieman..it was loud.

I don't have to hear a noise twice so I can try and identify it. Its was a noise..It wasn't normal..that's all I need to know. I took off. Now just for the record..I am not the big athlete..But when I heard that noise this girl looked like a track star. I screamed...I ran..and I didn't look back. I just assumed Heather was behind me.

I kept running until I got back up to the fire where the rest of my friends were...The crowd sees me zipping past them like a rocket..and of course were curious as to why I was moving at the speed of light. Someone says.....Jen what's wrong? I said.... I heard a noise! That produced a few chuckles and some grins from around the fire. But I didn't care. Then they said....Jen where's Heather? What? She's not behind me? This is the first time I notice I'm alone and there is NO Heather....A minute or so later..here comes Heather up to the fire, winded from running.

Geezz Jen you just left me...I said.. What? I thought you were behind me! She said behind you?..I barely saw you...You heard the noise and you were gone.

OK (hangs head) This was true..I did kick it into the every man for himself mode.

She said.... Besides I cant run in these boots....AHUH..That was Heathers downfall right there..She had on her new boots...She had naively substituted fashion for safety. Rookie mistake..And not one you will see this girl making.

There are some very important lessons to be learned from all of this. First.....The importance of good footwear....And secondly...I don't have to be the fastest runner to survive the serial killers..I just have to be faster than my friend Heather.

Oh Deer

2006-10-14T21:26:00.000-04:00

I have always liked having guys for friends....The way their minds work is completely fascinating to me. They are at times a mystery, very often a puzzle and usually a source of amusement....The way they can take their thought processes on this meandering bunny trail going from point A to point B and make it seem SO reasonable and logical is completely mind boggling.

Here is an example of what I mean...

The other day I'm talking on a the phone with a friend of mine. He says "Oh Jen, did I tell you about the deer"? No I say......We haven't spoken in a while..what deer? Well, he was out walking the dog in the pasture that's behind his apartment...There are woods that border the pasture and quite frequently he will see coyote out there at dusk. His dog suddenly stops marking things briefly to perk up......All of the hair on her neck and back was standing up..and she makes a noise.....(she doesn't bark, EVER, don't ask its a long story) My friend looks up and there standing about 12 or 13 feet away is a male deer. No horns yet..just buttons. They all just stand there staring at each other...

Ok let me cut to the chase..I know you are all dying to hear about the majesty and spender of this nature story unfolding.....but that's not what this is about. So let me fast forward this story.

The deer sticks around even after he sees my friend and his dog.. After the dog is tied up.....my friend is actually able to approach the deer close enough that the deer actually starts licking his hand!!!!

Now most of you are going "Awwww"......Yeah I know, I was too. Until he says.."You know I was thinking, if Id only had my bowie knife....I could have been eating deer for a month or so".

That snapped me right back to reality...I said..." WHAT"!!!?? You have got to be kidding me.

He said.... What?..I love venison. But yeah..I guess that would have been wrong huh? He says...Then I was thinking, I wonder how I can get a rope around its neck so I can take it home with me.

Again my mouth is hanging open....... WHAT???!!!! I'm shaking my head....You didn't?

He said... Nooo, I think the apartment management would have frowned on that.

NOOO....YAH THINK? (laughing)

Now just let me state for the record. This guy is an intelligent guy. He's well read..well traveled....educated..he has common sense. He was raised right, with two caring involved parents. So there is only one explanation for this type of thought process...He's a guy. Plain and simple.

Now, I don't think my friend would have actually taken that deer home with him to his apartment......aaannnnddd.......I don't believe that he would have gutted him for the meat either...Although now that I think about it....

I don't really know...do I?

Because, after all he IS a guy.....

AND I LIKE BAMBI.

Money Cant Buy Happiness..

2006-10-07T09:04:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to think that maybe I was born with a birth defect. I was born without ambition. Yesss....(hangs head) I think I truly lack any.

I have watched friends and family for years scramble and jockey themselves into the best position for colleges and job opportunities. All for one thing, so that they can improve their current status in life. Either with the presence of the dollar in their bank accounts or by the prestige that comes with the job title. But I have never felt the fever. I'm not sure why.

I know I'm lucky, I have never been truly poor. At least I don't think we have. If we were, my parents hid it from me well. I know that my mom always made sure that I had whatever I needed. Do you think there in lies the problem? Maybe I wasn't taught ambition?

Don't misunderstand me...I have no problem with work. Whether I get paid for it or not...I'm no stranger to it. My family and relatives come from farmers and blue collar working class...Especially the generation of my grandparents, who believe its a mortal sin not to indulge in the fine art of manual labor. Its just not something I get all giddy and day dream about.

Its not that I don't want to earn a decent living someday. I realize that money is not just a luxury its a necessity. You have to have it to pay for the basic wants and needs in life. I guess I would like to be comfortable and not have to struggle to make ends meet. But I have never sat down and thought to myself...GEEE I cant wait till I'm pulling down 6 figures and I can by that 6 bedroom house with the pool and the three car garage.

I can remember one afternoon at one of our larger family gatherings....The family was all sitting around that huge table in the dining room. I was listening to my cousin speak of her aspirations for college and future employment. She wanted to attend college at these schools because they were top ranking in the country........Then move to this graduate school....From there she felt she could leap frog her way and land a job from one of these top ranking corporations. Making eventually X number of dollars.

During this recital of her future goals and aspirations....The parents and the grandparents were nodding approvingly and smiling. Saying how that was a good plan. Then they look at me. Sooo Jen what are you're plans?

I hate that question. Because I hadn't made my own personal map to the buried treasure, ie; The American Dream. I probably should have just thrown out my standard answers that I had learned to recite every time someone asked me this question. Lets face it..this had been going on for over a year at that point. I learned quickly that if I told the truth and said I really don't know what I want to do. Then I got the "Oh that's so sad" look or the even worse.."You're going to be a loser for the rest of your life" look.

I was thinking in that moment...that I don't care right now what I do. I'm not ready to make plans or pick something for the sake of saying I have. I think then is when it clicked in my brain that I didn't have this drive or whatever it is you want to call it to conquer the world. Or at least my little corner of it. That's when I made the critical mistake of trying to be funny...I told them I was currently employed as a non-profit slacker. There wasn't much money in it..But the hours were great.

Big mistake..Apparently this group didn't subscribe to my "I will figure it out when I do" theory. They felt I needed a plan and proceeded to tell me so. That is when it began...the talk about goals and my future. Its then that comes the we are going to now give you ideas as to what you should do portion of our talk. One of the Great Aunts told me she would be glad to hook me up as an Avon representative if I wanted. That she did quite well with hers and that is something that would still allow me to set my own schedule. Someone else said that they knew of the daughter of a friend of the family who was now working at the bank in town..and had gone from being a teller all the way up to the loans department. She apparently was doing quite well for herself.

But before I could even reply......Great Grandma who felt the only thing a person truly needed in life was a good relationship with their lord and maker... Spoke up and said...Money is the root of all evil. It wont buy you happiness. That is something you need to look to the lord for.

That's when Great Uncle Mack (my personal hero and role model for the non-profit slacker and semi wild child I am today) finally spoke up and put in his words of wisdom........

"Money may not be able to by you happiness...But it sure lets you enjoy miserable on a nicer side of town".

Cant argue with that logic.

Hello....My Name Is NOT Marvin!

2006-09-30T11:23:00.000-04:00

I have a confession.......My name is NOT Marvin. I am NOT a 68 year old pedophile stalking the internet trying to lure you in. Are you shocked? Yeah I was too, but its true! I'm NOT sitting here at my computer in my beer stained wife beater and jockey shorts looking for kiddy porn sites. I am NOT now, nor will I EVER be online trying to seduce young men into meeting me...with the intention having my way with them.

Ok well maybe ONE young man...but that's another story all together. *smile*

So .....WHY is it then that this is the first reaction my friends get when telling others about meeting me online? I can understand the need for caution. Meeting someone on the web can have certain pitfalls. I'm not denying the obvious concerns anytime you meet someone online.

But computers are a fact of life. Everyone from your Grandma to small children are using them and surfing the internet. They have become as common as the mircrowave or TV. It stands to reason that with all the limitless places a person can now travel via the internet...that you also automatically open yourself up to a larger group of people you can now interact with. So maybe its time we started to change our thinking about what is normal a little.

Anytime you meet someone new its a risk. This is true no matter if you meet them online or on the sidewalk of your hometown. If you think its safer meeting people because they may live next door, then you obviously don't watch the news. Or you've never checked out the local sex offender websites. Because if you did, I think you would be extremely surprised as to who some of your neighbors are.

I will concede that the world can be a very scary place. Because of technology we have all gone from being in this very small pond of people we DO know.....to a very large ocean of people we COULD know. Are there more predators in this deep water? Yes probably so. But Id be willing to bet that there are also far more people just like YOU and ME that are just decent, semi-normal people, who live healthy normal lives.

If the question is can someone deceive you when meeting them online? Then the answer is yes they can. More easily than in person? Maybe so. But isn't it also true that you can and probably have been deceived in the past by people you actually knew face to face too?

I think its all about using common sense. You have to take the time to get to know someone, no matter how or where you meet them...You have to be willing to ask the all important questions. You have to be willing to listen for the answers to those questions. And when I say listen...I mean really listen not just hearing what you want to hear.

The internet has opened up the world and its people to you. For me that means learning that other people in the world are a lot more like me than they are different from me. The world is a much smaller place than I had ever imagined. To me that's a comforting thought..not one that scares me.

I have met some really great people on the internet. People who I can say without a doubt I consider to be my friends. People that I have yet to meet face to face and maybe never will. Does that make them any less of a friend?...NO not to me it doesn't. Because its not always about meeting someone face to face in order to become friends with them.

Its time to stop making the HOW we meet people more important than the PEOPLE we meet themselves.

That's Going To Leave A Mark

2006-09-24T09:42:00.000-04:00

My friend came to me with a problem. Normally Id be able to give her an opinion...I am usually loaded with those. Dr Jen is always on duty. But this time..I don't know what to say. That all by itself bothers me. Not just because I cant help a friend who's asked...but because I don't have a clear answer.

Sam..is trying to decided if she can trust the man she loves. He's away at school right now. Not to far away only a few hours by car...but far enough. It seems that her guy has developed this friendship with a girl there at school. This by itself isn't unusual. Matt is a very friendly easy going kind of guy. He makes friends easily and has always had equal female and male friendships.

Matt has told Sam about the girl...and explained that they just have things in common and like hanging out..She also has a lot of classes in the same areas on campus there for it puts them in the same place at the same time quite often. It should be said that Matts not a liar. He's never been a cheat. He's the kind of guy whose word means something. Having said that...though..I cant ignore Sam's fears over this..because even though the evidence is circumstantial...it all points in the wrong direction.

The girl in question..is very friendly...and calls or texts frequently. She stops by Matts apartment to hang out with him and his roommate. They all share mutual friends. She buys and gives him gifts out of kindness. She does small little tasks for him..choirs as a favor.

Ok I understand where Sam is getting worried about this girl...Here where I come from we have a name for girls like that. They are called GIRL FRIENDS. But even so I am reluctant to condemn Matt on this purely circumstantial evidence alone. Although...the last thing in this puzzle bothers me alittle more......Matt had given Sam access to his passwords...They had traded those a long time ago..He had hers..she his. Until Matt changed his..with no explanation..and no warning. He only did it to one of his accounts...One he hardly ever used. Sam thinks its because Matts emails and conversations with this girl took place on this Messenger and this account and he didn't want Sam seeing it.

Maybe so....I do see Sams point and why she's worried. Matt is a good guy but he's human..and humans screw up. That whole thing about absence making the heart grow fonder...doesn't really play out long term in most cases. So Sam worrying about Matt finding someone nice to spend his time with isn't so far fetched.

I just don't know what to tell her. Normally Id say open your eyes. Look at all the red flags! You may not have any real proof...but it has feathers...webbed feet..likes the water...and quacks...It looks like we have a duck here.

Yet still...I have been dropped on my butt way to many times by the people I choose to give my trust to. Sometimes when that happens to you often enough it tends to leave a mark. A mark that no amount of optimism or looking for that silver lining can quite erase. So right now I don't know if I can trust my judgment or my instincts.

I realize let downs are a part of life.....I know I am not unique to this problem my friend Sam is proof of that. Its just that I have always told myself that I wouldn't let the bad behavior of other people change me. If they screw me over..I'm not going to let that change who I am or how I conduct myself and my life.

The thing I've started to see though, is that when those changes happen, it's not like being hit by lightening. The changes aren't immediate or automatic. Its something more like the tide eroding a beach. Its the small grains of sand that get washed away from you each day....slowly...little by little. Until one day you just realize you are afraid of it happening again. You are wary and a little mistrustful of the next person who comes into your life.

So what's the answer? Do you just sleep with a nightlight on for the rest of your life so that no monsters can ever climb into your closet again? If so......how exhausting is that going to be, trying to shine a light on every corner of a new relationship trying to make sure nothing is being hidden from you in the shadows? You would have to examine and analyze each thing making sure you're blind heart isn't missing any of those all too important red flags you should be seeing.

Or do you just blindly.....hold your nose and jump into the deep water? Not knowing what's under you..or if you will be able swim, and then just hope for the best. Hmmmm, seems like that sort of thinking is what got me knocked on my butt to begin with.

So tell me, do I tell Sam to go on her hearts blind faith, ignoring the shadows in the room and just try and believe that there are no more monsters? I want to. Id like to. Not just for her sake but for myself too.

This time, I dont think I can offer advise to my friend. Because inside I just know that if I'm wrong again.....This time its going to leave a really big mark.

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover

2006-09-12T17:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Anonymous,

I have not been blogging long..alittle over a year at best. But one of the things I have loved about writing a blog is that it allows me to express myself. Whether that expression comes in the form of a family story, a commentary on a current event, or maybe just venting about things in my life that I feel strongly about.

I have never minded if someone had a different view point than my own. In fact I am a very opinionated individual. So it would be very surprising to me if out of all the people who read my blog, each and every one of them agreed with me totally 100% of the time. I have never minded someone expressing their point of view on my blog, whether those points of view coincided with mine or not.

I can take criticism as well as the next person. In fact if it's done in a civil way I appreciate another person's view and their honesty in expressing it.

However...this is where I have a problem with your approach. First of all, you appear as Anonymous. So for whatever reason you have chosen to keep your name, age, gender and any other details of who you are a secret. Ok...that is your prerogative.

But from now on when you comment to me...Please do so on the subject I have written about. If you don't agree with my point of view its ok to say so. But do not judge the validity of what I have said on the basis that I am 20 years old, a female; or, as you put it, "too inexperienced to spout such opinions".

I realize you don't really know me...If you read my blog further you might get to know me better. But this is something I'd like to know about me. I do not smoke...or take drugs...I do drink but only in moderation...I do not have multiple sex partners...In fact, I do not have any at all at this point in my life. Having said that, I do not feel the need to go out and experience any of these things first hand to be able to comment on the fact that I feel they aren't right for me. Or, for that matter, pretty much anyone else participating in them. Nor do I think age will change my thinking.

Yes its just my opinion...and only mine. I speak now and will continue to speak in the future only for myself. If you have a problem with what I've said..because you disagree with my thinking that's fine. But don't dismiss what I have said because you think I am too young or inexperienced to have such thoughts or opinions.

You should judge a book by its contents...not by the age of its cover.

Homesick For Places I Have Never Been

2006-09-11T19:49:00.000-04:00

I have never made any secret of the fact that I'm a dreamer. This past year I have been extremely restless. I feel like there is something missing. But I have no idea exactly what it is. That all by itself leaves me feeling anxious and a little frustrated. Its like having something you want to say on the tip of your tongue and not being able to think of what it is. Does that make any sense?

Today I was looking at photos again and I started day dreaming. I was thinking of all the places I want to go. Of the people I miss and want to see. I've been having these long detailed day dreams where I am actually getting on a plane and starting my life over in a new place.

Maybe its a question of the grass always looking greener on the other side of the fence. Or maybe because I'm so restless that to me even the small things would seem like an adventure right now. When I start these day dreams, I can picture everything about them. I can imagine where I'm going, what I will be doing...who I will be with. I can see it all so clearly, just as if it were happening.

Some might say that day dreams and reality are two different things. That reality is never as good as the fantasy you imagine. Maybe this is true.

All I know is that lately when I think of those people and places and things that I day dream about..It makes me feel as if I were homesick.

But how can you be homesick for places you have never been?

What No Pictures?

2006-09-09T07:22:00.000-04:00

Except for this last Monday being a holiday.....This week has pretty much sucked. Its been raining almost all week long. Normally I like rainy days. I suppose with my mood being what it was though, the rain just seemed to make it worse. Besides it wasn't one of those crisp cold rains that smell good. It was the hot humid dreary type of rain. The kind that makes the air feel like its thick and sticks to you.

I managed to make it through the week pretty much unscathed and now here I am. Its Saturday morning. I have consumed the required two cups of coffee.....

I have already received several text messages from the UK.
(Happy face)

A few emails and some new pictures.
(Bigger happy face)

ANDDD.....Its no longer raining. Or at least not at the moment. Things maybe looking up.
(Almost ready for the happy dance...but not quite)

I have stalked all my regulars blogs and done all my required reading and commenting for today.....By the way you people need to get on the ball and post...I'm dying here!

Now...Its time for my project of the day. I'm still not sure I should attempt this. Because I hate to screw it up and then be with out a computer.....On the other hand I am sort of a compulsive geek....And this is just too tempting for me on a day like today, when the house is quiet and I am left to my own devices.

Soooo I am going to go get out my old computer tower, and do a techno version of Hannibal Lector....And cannibalize it. I'm going to rip out the memory cards....And the two hard drives and anything else that looks interesting and see if I can reinstall them into my current system.

The old computer got zapped by lightening a year or so ago....When it happened I never really tried to find out how much of it was still functioning. It wouldn't turn on...and that's pretty much where I stopped looking. If it just took out my mother board...Then the other things might actually have some use...If it fried the whole enchilada...Well then its going to be a waste of time. But I wont know that until I open the bad boy up.

And before you say it...I am the one who installed the extra hard drive and memory cards in the old computer...So its not like I don't have some clue as to what I'm doing. Still, it has been a while since I have done any of that sort of thing...

Now if I can only remember how to change the the old hard drives from master to slave.....Hmmmmmm I guess I'm actually going to have to read some instructions. NOOOOOO please not that!

I basically come from the Sesame Street school of computer learning...... Where we the self taught, if given plenty of pictures, can disassemble and reassemble anything.

But if I actually have to read the instructions....

Ohhh dear lord help us all.

Does The Label Really Matter?

2006-09-02T11:03:00.000-04:00

Feminism : The doctrine that maintains equality for the sexes; advocacy for women's rights.

If I go by the above definition I have to ask myself am I a feminist? I cant honestly say that I feel men and women are completely equal. I think there are some pretty big differences between us and to that I say GOOD!

I have never felt the desire to burn my bra or smoke a cigar. I have never wanted to be a man or man like. There's probably a few people out there right now breathing a sigh of relief over that statement.. I like being female and I like being feminine. While I can never claim to be the girlie girl type.... I do like to watch and play some sports. I like to fish and play poker...I also like being treated like a lady. I like a man to be polite to me. I like it when he speaks to me with respect. I like it if he wants to use manners and open my door or pull out a chair. Its called being polite. I like it...I appreciate it. Unfortunately I rarely see it and I don't expect it.

I see nothing wrong with a man being Chivalrous..I wish there were more chivalrous men in the world. I don't mean the Knight in Shining Armor type who wants to rescue me and fix all my problems. I can do that for myself.

Having said that...I do not want things to go back to the way they were when women were only one step above slavery. When we weren't able to vote..Or own property or allowed to do a lot of things that gave us equal footing in society. So in that way I suppose I am in favor of equality. But then as I see it..Those things are more human rights than a male/female issue.

I believe if you do a job..And you have the physical and the intellectual skill to perform that job, then you get paid for that job. The pay you receive should not be based on your gender or your race. It should be based on the job. Its simple....You work....You get paid.

I have never felt a woman is less if she chooses home and family over that of a career outside the home. The choice to stay home and raise a family is probably one of the hardest jobs any person can do. I say person because in this day and time a lot more men are making the choice to be stay at home dads while the wife works outside the home. I see nothing wrong with that..If it works I say go for it.

Besides that...I think if you're going to have children you should stick around to raise them. Its the biggest responsibility you are ever going to have. You are molding the next generation, who will one day be running things. So it would probably be a good idea to take the job seriously and not screw it up.

I believe that a person should strive to be independent and self reliant. I believe self reliance and independence brings freedom and a confidence in knowing you can take care of yourself. You then know that any choices you make are done so because you do have a choice, not because you have no options and cant survive any other way.

Do I want to share my life with someone someday? Yes I do. Do I hope he helps me solve problems? Yes I do. Just as I hope he will value me, my thoughts and my abilities enough that he wants me to help him as well. We will do it together.

Am I a feminist, a humanist...Or just feminine? If so how bad is that? Does the label really matter?

To All Knights In Shining Armor....

2006-08-29T19:50:00.000-04:00

To those of you thinking you might like to apply for the job of Knight in Shining Armor...

STOP! This message is for you.

First of all I have to ask you why would you even want this job? Do you realize exactly what it is you'll be doing?

You will be climbing up to the tower, and rescuing the Damsel that's in Distress. Maybe slaying the odd dragon for her too. Whatever the situation requires. All because you decided that you are her champion and that is what they do.

So when its all said and done...She gets all her problems taken care of, but what exactly do you get out of it? Is it the gratitude from the Damsel? I suppose that could be sort of nice. A little boost to the ego. However, long term I don't see that being enough to make it worth it for you. You realize too, that rescuing a Damsel in Distress is sort of like feeding a stray dog. Once you do it, you can never get rid of them. They are then your responsibility for life. YES LIFE... That's a long time to be constantly having to fix things and pulling someone else's butt out of trouble.

While I'm sure it feels all Nobel and good in the beginning....Is that really the life you want forever? You could ask yourself this.....How did she get up in that tower in need of rescuing to begin with? Could it be that her trouble was of her own making? Hmmm now there's a thought.

Lets even take that one step further..If she is up there because she screwed up and deserves to be.....Why do you want to get her down? Because when you go and rescue a Damsel in Distress the only thing your left with is a Distressed Damsel. In my way of thinking that's not a real prize worth the trouble of climbing a tower or slaying a dragon. I don't care how cute she is when she's got that needy, eye lash batting, pouty face. That stuff only takes you so far.... I say leave her butt up there..Let her find her own way down.

Maybe its time to find a girl with her feet firmly planted on the ground. One who knows what she wants and can handle her own problems for herself. One that might even be able to lend you some assistance should you ever be in need of some dragon slaying yourself. One who might be a partner when building a castle instead of another burden to carry.

Maybe its time to take off the Armor and stop trying fix things. Maybe its time to be a regular man and find a regular woman you can share your life with. One that you like as is, no modifications needed.

Castles can be fixer uppers.....The partners we choose should be no assembly required.

The Devil Wears Lip Gloss

2006-08-22T17:45:00.000-04:00

In case you had any doubts let me put them to rest. The Devil is very much alive here in the South and she wears lip gloss. When you first see her, you don't really notice anything notably different about her. In fact she could even be thought of as friendly and beautiful.

But make no mistake my friend, she is indeed a bunny boiler. Not just any ordinary bunny boiler. NOOO! She is what every other bunny boiler aspires to become. From her angelic batting of eye lashes, to her pouty glossed lips. She is perfumed, polished and perfectly clothed. No, she is not just any bunny boiler. She is their queen.

With her chameleon like personality, she adapts to her surroundings and to the people around her drawing them close to her. They feel they need to protect her, to do for her, to worship her. Because just as with every queen, she requires subjects or minion if you will. And as with every bunny boiler, she needs complete and total adoration from her friends and followers. As long as she is being adored and taken care of...You are one of the chosen. Should you stop fulfilling her constant need for attention, you will be cast aside and forgotten. If you're lucky.

If you should be unfortunate enough to fall in love with her. Just know there is no cure for her. No vaccine to make you immune to her self serving ways. So if you decide to become involved understand this...She is self centered, manipulative and at times vindictive. She is the human equivalent to tic tac toe....The only way to win is never to play the game.

If you see her coming your way do not be decieved into thinking she is just a harmless girl. If you refuse to listen to the warnings. Decide to ignore the lessons learned from the others that have come before you. Then do not be surprised when blinded by what you think is love turns out to be just another one of her manipulations and deceptions.

When you find yourself being run down, reduced to just another road kill. You dont have to ask who was driving the car that did you in. You will know.

If not, let me give you a hint....She was wearing lip gloss.

Predator Or Prey?

2006-08-20T12:40:00.000-04:00

I read in the news paper that recently a local 14 year old boy had been arrested. His charges were:

Soliciting to bring a 12 year old girl to town for the purposes of having sex with her.
Possession of child pornography
Transmitting child pornography over the internet.

With me so far?

Now the boy who thought he was speaking on the internet to a producer of pornographic films. He wasn't...He was in fact talking to an undercover police officer in the state of Pennsylvania.

The boy thought he was sending the 65 pornographic photos to this producer.

He also thought that he was negotiating with this said producer to be in one of his films. He had negotiated a price for his participation in the film and agreed that he would have sex with what he thought was the producers 12 year old niece. None of which was true obviously because this was really a undercover police officer.

The police officer..Who's job it is to monitor this type of behavior on the internet...Talking with the boy..At the time thought the boy was 20 years old. Because that's what the boy told him. He also knew there was no 12 year old girl because he had made that part up to go along with his cover story. He did receive the pornographic photographs from the boy...Who had in turn received them from an unknown source in England.

The undercover officer thinking that the boy is an adult and is using a home computer to contact him, contacts local law enforcement to set up a meet. To arrest what they thought to be 20 year old man at a local hotel. The boy thinking he was going to meet this producer and his niece and be filmed having sex with her shows up and promptly gets arrested.

Ok now here's where some of this all sort of bugs me....

First of all..Not to cut the kid any slack..He was completely in the wrong here. However..He is 14.. And not the brightest bulb on the tree for a number of reasons. Using a public library computer being just one of them...But he is still in fact a stupid kid. Does he really have the mental thinking at this point in his life to understand the consequences of his actions? Part of me thinks yes and part says no.

Secondly..He isn't randomly seeking out 12 year old girls to entice them into have sex with him. The fictitious young girl was offered to him via the undercover officer. Was it still wrong to accept the deal? YES OF COURSE IT WAS. But would he have done so if not prompted by the officer? I don't know..Maybe so.

The young kid in question also received his pornographic photos from another source..Out of the country. Where are these people? Who are they?

I guess while I find the kids behavior wrong on so many levels and I am in no way trying to defend it..Because lets face it, there is something wrong with his moral compass to consider entering into this deal at all.

But after hearing the details of what transpired. I have to ask myself is he predator or prey?

Welcome To My World

2006-08-19T08:26:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning at 5:30 am. I lay there in the dark trying to figure out why I couldn't sleep and why I was feeling so restless. About 7:30 or so when the parental units leave for work..I decided to get up...Pour myself an industrial size cup of coffee and check the email. Read a few blogs.

Ok that took all of about 5 minutes...Because lets face it hardly anyone blogs or even emails on the weekends...

I turned on the TV.....Dear lord what has happened to Saturday morning cartoons? Between those and the bad TV infomercial's...There is nothing going on there. Id would have even settle for reruns of American Chopper or the Biker Build Offs right now. But no such luck there.

I decide to opt for some music. Cranked up a little CCR...(Creedence Clearwater Revival) Which while I enjoyed it......it has just made me more restless for something to do. Or maybe that was the 3 cups of coffee I've had so far.

Normally Id be munching on some Special K Red Berries cereal about now......But this morning that's not sounding so great. So I decided to nuke the left over fettuccini. YES.. For breakfast. I've never personally understood why people get so ridged with what can and can not be consumed for a breakfast food. I can eat ice cream for breakfast and cereal for a night time snack. And occasionally do.

Id call a friend...But everyone I want to talk to right now, is to far away on the other side of the world and probably at work. Helping misguided Americans onto a trains. Lucky Americans.

I've been invited to do the regular weekend thing on the river or out at the lake. But the weather is looking sort of iffy right now. Maybe in a few hours that will improve.

Besides that, none of my local friends will be up this early. Most of them are never up at this time of the morning. Unless they just haven't gone to bed yet from the night before. Which is a definite possibility.

So here I sit ....Trying to blog. Completely bored out of my brain. And now after reading this....So are you.

Welcome to my world.

Not A Keeper

2006-08-17T06:51:00.000-04:00

To say that my Dad was a wild child is an understatement. From some of the stories I hear..The wild part didn't stop in his youth either. He's pretty much stayed that way all the way up to this present day. If anything has slowed him down at all....It is most likely age and maybe his health.

While I wont say I approve of all my Dads behavior..Some of it is pretty scandalous. Every now and then there is a story that is told that you cant help but chuckle over.

Before I was born when he and my mom were in the first years of marriage, to say that my dad enjoyed a party is putting it mildly. It wasn't unusual for him to leave the house for a loaf of bread and get "side tracked". My Mom would not see him again till the wee hours of the morning or the next day. This as you can probably imagine did not sit so well with my Mom.

Usually it was my Moms habit to make a lunch for my Dad each morning. He carried a small cooler with him everyday for that lunch, which conveniently doubled as a beer receptacle in the evening.

One evening.....Dad getting "side tracked" the way he did on occasion, decided that he and a buddy would go fishing. Tell some lies, drink a few cold ones. Normally Id say this was a pretty harmless activity. The thing is..Its a probably a good idea to inform the Mrs you wont be home anytime soon before she sits up all night worrying about your sorry butt.

Anyway......Dad rolls up in the early morning hours...Just before daylight...Mom is, as you can probably guess, livid. So she's not exactly in the frame of mind for packing him a tasty lunch. Dad barely having any sleep from the night before and having to get up in a few hours for work, decides not to pack one for himself. Instead opting for some additional sleep time.

When lunch time rolls around that day...Everyone's sitting around in a group in the grass. Popping open their lunch boxes and enjoying their mid day meal. My Dad opens his cooler....All that's in there is a half eaten bag of potato chips from the day before and some dead shiners (small silvery colored fish) that he had used for bait on the fishing excursion.

Sitting next to Dad was a laborer...That was notably pretty annoying to most everyone else on the crew. The guy was one of those know-it-alls...Who couldn't be told or taught anything. He continuously fabricated these elaborate stories of his exploits on and off the job site. I believe in an attempt to try and appear cooler in the eyes of the more seasoned men on the job.

Well my Dad being no stranger to a tall tale or two...Saw the laborer lean over and sneak a peek into his cooler.

The laborer making a face says "What is that"?

My Dad "Its lunch".

Laborer "You are going to eat that"?

My Dad "Heck yeah, these are great. Haven't you ever eaten sardines before"?

Laborer...Making a skeptical face.. "Yeah, I have".

My Dad "Well these are sort of like that only better".

At this point.....My Dad takes two potato chips out of his bag and one of the less slimy of the shiners out of the his cooler. Places said fish between the two potato chips and bites it in two.

The laborer...Completely grossed out that my Dad just did this, turns his head away. While doing so, my Dad spits the morsel into his napkin and then pops another potato chip in his mouth and pretends to continue chewing as though he's never eaten anything finer.

There are now a few half grins on the faces of some of the other men sitting around observing this fishing expedition....But no one laughs or says a word...They just watch.

The laborer....turns his head back to my Dad and sees my Dad happily chewing what he thinks is the shiner and chips. Now...He's got this look on his face as though...hmmmm maybe this guys for real. This is when my Dad gets ready to set the hook.....

My Dad says "Would you like to try one? I usually don't share them, because I don't get to have them that often. But Ill let you try one since you've never had one before".

Now normally a guy who is secure with himself and has nothing to prove would have said "Nah man..You enjoy those". And that would have been the end of it. But this guy, was so wrapped up in being the man and appearing cool in front of the other guys.....He just couldn't bring himself to back down and refuse my Dads offer.

My Dad lets him reach in the bag grab two potato chips. Then hands the laborer a shiner. The nastiest.....Most slimy shiner in the box. The laborer places the shiner between the two potato chips and bites down.

Dad said you could see imediately by the look on his face that he realized this is not something he wanted to do. At this point...any other guy would have just spit it out and taken the good natured teasing from the other men and that would have been the end of it. But not this guy. He sees all the other guys along with my Dad watching him.....He's committed himself now and realizes he cant loose face and has to actually chew and swallow.

My Dad said the more he chewed the more you could tell he was going to loose it. Sure enough....the guy jumps up.....runs off to the nearest bushes and begins gagging up the shiner and chips....coughing and spitting.

The other guys sitting around all start laughing and shaking their heads at the laborers stupidity. Knowing full good and well if the guy wasn't such a know-it-all butt kisser, that he would never have gotten himself into that spot to begin with.

The rest of that day...the story of what had happened at lunch with the shiner spread all over the job site....Later that day after work.....

One of the guys asked my Dad...." Hey John, You catch anything with those shiners"?

My Dad not missing a beat says "Yeah I caught a laborer...But I had to throw him back".

Fried Chicken Salvation

2006-08-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

Being someone who's grown up in a family of primarily Southern Baptists and a few scattered Nazarines.....I am no stranger to the inside of a church. However having said that, I will also tell you that I'm not one of their best customers either.

This is not to say that I don't have faith. Or that I don't believe in worship or in god. I do. I'm just not really good about getting in there on Sundays to hear the sermon.

I cant say that in my family I'm alone in this bad behavior. But I will say that the upper branches of our family tree frown down heavily on all those who choose to practice this as a rule.

This brings me to Great Uncle Mack. Uncle Mack is what could only be thought of as a sport model. The man has personality to burn. And from the whispers I've heard on occasion around our family reunions, a pretty colorful past back in the day.

Uncle Mack would be someone that the Great Aunts and the Grandmothers felt needed to be in church on a daily basis, for the rest of his days on this earth, just to make up for his misspent youth. Although they would never come right out and say that. In our family its one thing to look disapprovingly at ones relatives because of past indiscretions, its another to talk about it openly and call attention to them.

Its not that Uncle Mack didn't go to church and attend services. He did. But Uncle Mack was selective about his attendance. It usually coincided with a church social or some sort of covered dish dinner being held after church was over. Uncle Mack used to say, that was one time you could have six deserts on your plate and nobody thought any less of you for having them. As a matter of fact it was sort of an insult to those fine ladies of the church if you didn't at least sample all the baked goods on the table.

My Great Grandmother was always beside herself over Great Uncle Macks hit and miss attendance at services on Sunday. It didn't help matters at all to know that on the days he wasn't at church he was probably out at one of the family ponds trying to drown a worm. Fishing on Sunday is a BIG NO NO....

Once during one of our many family encounters, I heard my Great Grandmother start once again on the subject of Uncle Macks salvation. She proceeded to tell Uncle Mack he wasn't getting any younger and one of these days, probably sooner than later, he would be standing in front of his maker. Then what excuse would he have for not taking hold of salvation?

Uncle Mack said he wasn't opposed to salvation and he'd get around to it directly. But we knew that the only thing that got him in the front door on Sunday mornings were the get togethers and the food.

I once asked Uncle Mack while we were eating dinner at one of our family reunions.....We were both outside under the big oak tree munching on a Southern Baptist staple, fried chicken.

I said "Uncle Mack are you ever going to give in and just do what they want you to do"?

He said "Well girl....Its like this.....The way I see it.....I'm just one fried chicken dinner away from it now".

The Crossroads

2006-08-11T19:00:00.000-04:00

What would you do to get your hearts desire? I don't mean just your wants or simple cravings. I mean the thing you desire more than anything else in the world. The thing that you see as priceless to you.

I know I have on occasion asked myself that question. I think everyone has at one time said "I would give anything if only"....

There is a story in the south about blues guitarist Robert Johnson. The legend says that Johnson traded his soul to the devil at the crossroads of US Highway 61 and US Highway 49 in Clarksdale, Mississippi in exchange for the gift of being able to become a famous blues guitar player.

The legend says that if you go to the crossroads a little before midnight and begin to play the guitar, a large black man would come to you and retune your guitar and hand it back to you. At this point you are supposed to have traded your soul in exchange for your new musical abilities.

I dont think that I would go as far as to deal with the devil to acquire my hearts desire. But maybe that's because of the way I was raised...I am in the bible belt..Hip deep in Southern Baptist values. I was taught there is nothing in this world that is worth sacrificing your soul for. When your a little kid, fear of damnation is some pretty big stuff.

Or maybe there is nothing in this world that I have ever wanted badly enough to risk hell fire and brimstone for.

What about you? Is there something that you want so badly? Something you cant stop thinking about..that you want... you need.... you have to have... That one thing you would do anything for. And if so..How far do you go?

A lot of people compromise their principles on a daily basis for the simplest wants....What about the really big ones?

The devil comes in many forms children....